[Danners9]

Guy on Airplane: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie: What did you just say?
Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie: Pipe down Lois. (Slaps guy on head.) Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.



Peter: Don't worry Chris. Sometimes it's good not to fit in. (Flashback to Veitnam)
Peter (dressed in a clown suit): You guys are stupid. Their gonna be looking for army people.


Lois: Peter,why are we stopped?
Peter: Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...
Lois: Peter for God's sakes she's havin' a baby!
Peter: Oh that's right...and a kid's meal... and uh,I, I guess I'll have fries...if I have fries is anyone else gonna have any? Cuz,uh I don't wanna be the only one eatin' them... I'll feel like a fatty.



Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.



Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.



Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.



Stewie: Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.




TELEVISION ANNOUNCER: We now return to the Smurfs...
(on television screen)
Smurf #1: Hey, did you have a good time last night?
Smurf #2: Smurf-tacular!
Smurf #1: Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette.
Smurf #2: Oh man, as soon as we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me.
Smurf #1: Shut the Smurf up!
Smurf #2: Yeah!
Smurf #1: Right in the Smurfing parking lot?
Smurf #2: Smurf-Yeah!
Smurf #1: Oh! That is freaking Smurf!



Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a RANT here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antetum. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskalnakov filibuster dioxymonohydrostinate.
Peter: What the hell does RANT mean?



Peter: Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it.



Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?



That'll do for now

[tapper]

I personally like...

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't...nothing?

[metropolis2k]

One made me chuckle last night...

At some science fair, there's a bit about 'amazing electricity' which is just an old guy turning a lamp on and off.

"You don't find this amazing? When I first saw this at the world fair in 1904 I almost crapped my pants!"

[Lillywhite]

"You better watch who your calling a child Lois, because if I'm a child you know what that makes you? A Paedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and be lectured by a pervert !" - Peter Griffin

[tomas_brolin]

"Oh no, Lois. I know a man that bought a used car, and ten years later, BAM! Herpes." - peter

why did the dinosaurs die out?? - peter as a child
because you touch yourself at night.. -some museum guy

'it's peanut butter jelly time!" - brian

Congressman: There is no just cause for an invasion of Iraq.
Peter: Well that may be, but what were all forgetting is anyone that doesn't want to go to war is gay.
Congressman:I want to go to war.
Congressman:I want to go to war.
All of Congress:I want to go to war.
Dick Cheney:I was the first one who wanted to go to war.

(Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus.)
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian : Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian : Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.
Brian : You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.

[CelticOnFire]

Doctor: What were you thniking rolling around in the nuclear waste?
Adam West: Stupid? Yes, Idioic? Yes.

[The Double]

You can bitch, moan, yell at me, whatever. But the single greatest scene in Family Guy history is the "What a rip-off, this is just like the time I bought that Breakfast machine" scene.

[jimi hendrix]

i like the one where he says something like " if you do that again i'll do to you what i did to john lennon" then it shows what he did to lennon and he just introduces him to yoko ono. its funny

[Malkamus]

'help me beat my wife'

[Danners9]

Bob Dole! Bob Dole! Bob Dole.. Bob Dole... Bob Dole... Bob Dol... *thud*


What about the jokers?
They go both ways!
Hahahaha

Like a bi-sexual.

Thanks Ted, that was the joke.


Eisner - better get back to disneyland, we're ethnically cleansing the small-world ride.


Mr West! Some words for the viewers at home?
Toaster, aluminum, maple syrup.. no i'm keeping that one.