[srd....]

Peanuts in Ears.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
**********************************************************
Potato Pants

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"
**********************************************************
Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the"Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and Again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it Slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, And demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
**********************************************************
bad jokes

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
______________
A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
______________
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
______________
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
______________
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
______________
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
______________
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
______________
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
______________
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
______________
Answer phone message:
"If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
______________
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy."
______________
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
______________
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
______________
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
______________
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
______________
I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week and pulled a mussel.
______________
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
______________
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises," replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
______________
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
**********************************************************

[BridgeMonkee]

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
To look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!".

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
In the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
His friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by BridgeMonkee

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
To look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!".

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
In the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
His friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

These jokes are all so awful they're brilliant. Good stuff.

[srd....]

showering,a how to guide....

How to shower like a woman:

Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumic stone. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake bodywash. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband or Boyfriend along the way, cover any exposed areas.


How to shower like a man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife or girlfriend along the way, shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound. Look at manly physique in the mirror. Admire size of your knob and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Make farting noises (real or not) and laugh at how loud they are in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt leaving the hairs stuck on the soap. Shampoo hair. Make shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry-off. Fail to notice water on floor. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife or girlfriend, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise again. Throw wet towel on bed.
**********************************************************

[srd....]

F.A. Statement.

Due to Manchester United's tragic exit from all European Competitions this season,there is to be a minute's laughing at all Premiership games this weekend.

[yasik19]

good stuff y'all.

[johno]

Originally Posted by srd....

showering,a how to guide....

How to shower like a woman:

Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumic stone. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake bodywash. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband or Boyfriend along the way, cover any exposed areas.


How to shower like a man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife or girlfriend along the way, shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound. Look at manly physique in the mirror. Admire size of your knob and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Make farting noises (real or not) and laugh at how loud they are in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt leaving the hairs stuck on the soap. Shampoo hair. Make shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry-off. Fail to notice water on floor. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife or girlfriend, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise again. Throw wet towel on bed.
**********************************************************

fcuking brilliant... that's special... farting in the shower is a great tradition of mine.

[BridgeMonkee]

Pod cast - Ricky Gervais

http://www.guardian.co.uk/rickygervais

[srd....]

how tough it is being a man...?

Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it Too often, you're oversexed. if you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!


THEY WANT TO!!

[srd....]

Some totally useless facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh My God!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
to death.
(Creepy...I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about that pig??)