Planning a trip to the UK to see some soccer?

Motterman · 26 Jul 2004, 03:53 PM

Here's your:

AMERICAN TOURIST'S GUIDE TO THE UK

LANGUAGE
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
'goolies' in slang, so you should for instance say 'I'd love to come
to the pub but I haven't got any goolies.'

'Quid' is the modern word for What was once called a 'shilling' - the
equivalent of seventeen cents American.

If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a 'great tosser'
- he will be touched.

The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if
you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and
tossers when you walk down the street.

HABITS

Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union
with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain
continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two
or three hour siesta, which they call a 'wank.' As this is still a
fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to
oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic
pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise and
explain that you were having a wank - everyone will understand and
forgive you.

UNIVERSITIES

University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by
quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence
patrons expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and
a small knife for sharpening their quills. Observing these customs
will signal to the librarians that you are 'in the know'- one of the
inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted
anywhere in the library.

Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when
he/she brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to
the reign of Henry VI.

One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their
flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known
as 'cottaging'. Many of the boats (called 'yer-i-nals') are privately
owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the
public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are
interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the
public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to
protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of
Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals.
That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

FOOD

British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust
dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several
times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting
your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are
several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best
bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of
Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter
you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at
your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back
and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the
waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer
to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If
he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on
the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia-try an Ely
'84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal
comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair,
unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply
walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab
for you.

TRANSPORTATION

Public taxis are subsidised by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi
ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a
taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell 'I think not, you
charlatan!', then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the
driver disciplined. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though,
since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests.
Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy
gold-colored coins are 'pence'), and state your destination clearly to
the driver, e.g. 'Please take me to the British Library.' A driver
will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he
doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only
teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so
ignorant!). For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London
Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you
are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still
travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets
at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one
near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform,
though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe
bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London
in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved
impossible to exterminate. The announcement 'Mind the Gappe!' This is
a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling.
Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though,
and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise
excellent means of transportation.

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international
Jewish peace organisation - the 'shin' stands for 'shalom'). As savvy
travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority
treatment as you make your way through customs.
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