[Mateofelipe]

Galaxy to be renamed FCMJ/DB

The memorial service for pop megastar Michael Jackson, already much delayed by autopsies and the logistical concerns of AEG Live, the promoter of Michael Jackson's now-cancelled London concert series, has been re-scheduled from Tuesday, July 7, at the AEG-owned Staples Center, to Sunday, July 19, at halftime of the 7pm/10pm ET telecast of the LA Galaxy v. AC Milan at the AEG-owned Home Depot Center in suburban Los Angeles, in a match that pits the club that David Beckham is, for the moment, under contract to against the club that he was loaned to and played for during the first half of the MLS season.

Broadcasting rights for the game are owned by ESPN. In consideration for this bonanza, ESPN, owned by Disney, which paid a bag of peanuts and a trip to Disneyland for the children of MLS/SUM chief Don Garber for broadcasting rights, agrees to run spots from SUM, the marketing arm of MLS and owner of promotional rights of all things soccer in North America, including youth soccer in the Aleutian Islands, promoting MLS/SUM's "Summer of Soccer," as soon as anyone can explain to the ESPN ad department what the hell that means well enough to promote it to people who might actually care.

The halftime memorial service for Jackson will be followed by a Beat It-esque dramatization of the reported conflict between Landon Donovan and David Beckham, in which clashing gangs of dancers, clad in Stars and Stripes and Union Jack skinsuits, respectively, engage in choreographed battle. There is no confirmation to the rumor that Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson (the lengths that very talented man will go to to appear to be heterosexual - but that is the subject of another thread) will appear nude except for G-strings with the letters AEG and tasselled nipple covers in blue and white.

This half-time show will be repeated at every game in which the Galaxy appear for the rest of the season, home or away, causing halftime to last for forty-five minutes. Asked if disrupting the integrity of football competition for Beckham/Jackson hype is appropriate, MLS Commissioner Don Garber responded, "I appreciate your concerns, but as a whore, I am only responsive to the concerns of Johns, not my fellow whores, like Sep Blatter. That question is more appropriately addressed to Daddy Phil, " referring to Philip Anschutz, the 'A' in 'AEG,' and the billionaire general, all-around sugar daddy of American Soccer, whose blessings American soccer fans receive gratefully, if guiltily nostalgic for Bruce Murray and the NPSL.

In a related anouncement, AEG has anounced that the LA Galaxy will henceforth be known as FCMJ/DB. Galaxy players will henceforth be required to wear Members Only jackets in place of jerseys, and wear a glove on one of their hands while playing. They will also be required to appear nude with their wives and significant others in their underwear for ads or publicity shoots.

Henceforth, Generation Adidas developmental players will be required to buy all dinners on the road for Beckham and fifteen individuals he designates as members of his "posse."

Asked if all this hype does neither justice to the sport of soccer nor the memory of a brilliant pop musician, AEG executive Tim Leweike said, "We must do what the market will yield this very minute, no matter what disservice this does in the long term to the cultural or commercial value of the properties we hold. Jesus demands that we gain the whole world, and our souls be damned."

Bruce Arena, general manager and head coach of FCMJ/DB shrugged and commented, "I don't know nutin', I just woik heah."

[ElJefe]

Man, what a damn shame.

You did all that work and forgot to put anything funny in there.

[stonyloop]

Originally Posted by ElJefe

Man, what a damn shame.

You did all that work and forgot to put anything funny in there.

Word.

[TheUltra]

Tl;dnr