Soccer and English die en route to Silverbacks colonial endeavor San Juan, Puerto Rico May 28, 2007 Tonight the world’s most popular game died an ignominious death at the feet of the Atlanta Silverbacks and Puerto Rico Islanders. This United Soccer League first division game played in front of a handful of erstwhile fans at a baseball stadium in San Juan, saw more errant long balls in one half than the Vieques Island navy missile range sees in a year. When the ‘keepers and defenders weren’t kicking it as far as they could, the midfielders treated the ball as if it were about to explode, giving it to the other team at every opportunity. It was therefore a complete shock to everyone, including the ball, when Puerto Rico’s Liberian forward found himself behind the Atlanta defense in the 12th minute – nicely slotting home on a half-volley. Even though they had apparently tricked the visitors into a somnambulistic cha-cha, the Silverbacks were not to be monkeyed with, pounding their chests while racking up 6 first half corner kicks and as many shots. Perhaps the only thing more enervating than the opening stanzas of the game was the disinterested, ineloquent, tongue tripping, uninformed commentary. The catalogue of verbal gaffes and language mashing would exhaust my computer’s memory and confuse my word processor into early and unwanted retirement. This observer would greatly prefer a cinema verite version of the game to the metallic din generated by these rum-addled yahoos. In the 39th minute, sloppy defensive work gave the ball to Atlanta’s O’Brien on the left flank with ten yards of space. His deft cross was met with Hassim’s head, and the game breathed a sigh of relief as the ball nestled into the back of the net. The commentating crew interrupted whatever it was they were talking about to say, “Oh. There’s a goal by the Silverback.” The last minutes of the 1st half saw the corpse of the sport kick back to life with the inevitable long balls resulting in wasted opportunities at either end. Nothing created or creative, mind you, but there were goal scoring opportunities borne of error and frustrated imaginations. Perhaps the defenders were dizzy from heading watermelons falling from the sky. Whatever was said at halftime very likely was transmitted from this commentator telepathically. Both teams came out for the second half determined to play something more recognizable as the beautiful game. While not something to bring to the local pub for show and tell, there were flashes of entertainment, enough to sustain hope for the future (given a six pack, three Viagra and a nip and tuck). Within eight minutes of kickoff, the deadlock had been broken, Zapata taking advantage of Atlanta’s gross inability to clear their lines (perhaps the reason for the first half long ball). After sidestepping one, he hammered the ball into the bottom left corner past a helpless Quintero. No one is quite sure what happened next. It is certain that the Silverbacks kicked off. The ball was hoofed forward, as was its wont, and the opportunistic Hassim slithered betwixt and between to poke home the fastest ever equalizer in league (and perhaps world) history. As Gary Linker’s coaches were prone to comment, “they all count”, and no one will much remember how they go in, just so long as they do. In the 65th minute, the Islanders must have been ruing their choice to install palm trees for posts of their second half goal, as Herrerra made the most of ex-Metrostar Peter Villegas’ pass, coconutting it off of Quintero’s far post. It would be the last real opportunity for the Islanders to snatch something from their colonial overlords. Atlanta seemed content with their tans and their point, signaling their readiness to return to Hartsfield International by sending the ball ahead of them. Much to the surprise of everyone, the strategy paid full dividends as Puerto Rico’s inability to deal with defensive possession (let alone clearance) lead to a third Atlanta goal in the 88th minute. Commentary: “Oh. I can’t believe it. Atlanta goal.” Deadpan without irony just isn’t funny. It is a testament to the poverty of the commentary that they couldn’t even name the goal-scorer. So it was that the game ran out 3-2 in favor of Atlanta. An important 3 points for Atlanta away from home, putting them in first place on 11 points from 6 games, although Vancouver have a game in hand. Carlos Torres and Carlos Miranda, the Puerto Rico commentary team should have their tongues glued to the roofs of their mouths and be forced to communicate in Morse Code. Chris Gaffney geostadia@yahoo.com Durham, North Carolina
Still dont like this article is good review but, all the crap about colonialism and stuff, its just makes me unconformable as a PRican
Any practicular reason why you posted here in Soccer in the USA. I can see posting in the USL thread, but why is a match report here. Also, I'm guessing that you were watching the match online, but you never really state that. As for the game report, don't quit your day job. who, what, where and when