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Foose On The Loose

Bill Archer — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 17:53:51 GMT

I'll admit that I don't have a clue who Bob Foose is other than the Executive Director of the Major League Soccer Players "Union".

Probably a lawyer, but we shouldn't stereotype: they're not ALL blood-sucking, bottom-feeding boils on the ass of humanity. Or so I'm told.

I'm guessing mid-40's, wife and kids. Maybe a dog too. Springer spaniel or possibly a setter of some kind. Low handicap on the golf course, likes sailing and cigars. (I'm projecting now).

We do know that he was around for the last CBA negotiations in 2004, so the players obviously like him, and that's a positive.

If you can tell that I'm trying to find some nice things to say before I start in talking mean about him, well, you're obviously a regular reader, and God Bless you for that.

The thing is this: either a) Bob Foose is pretty stupid or b) Bob Foose thinks you and I are are pretty stupid.

As Exhibit A for this proposition, I give you Mr. Fooses' organization yesterday on the topic of Major League Soccer L.L.Cs' reluctance to toss out their business model just because he thinks they should:

"MLS is governed by the U.S. Soccer Federation, which in turn must answer to FIFA....By thumbing its nose at FIFA's regulations, MLS could jeopardize the U.S.' World Cup bid for 2018 and 2022, and could even jeopardize the U.S. national team's eligibility for next year's World Cup."

Now personally, I AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

...sorry, I really didn't mean toAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

...OK, it's OK, I've got it under controlAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....

Now, giving credit where credit is due, Bob may honestly think that MLS' current negotiating position actually jeopardizes USSFs' bid to host a World Cup, or that if MLS doesn't give in to his demands that the US team will be tossed out of the World Cup, but if he does then he's simply ignorant.

Perhaps "ill-informed" is a kinder way to put it, but that would necessitate believing that the guy knows literally nothing at all about how FIFA operates.

Sepp Blatter and the FIFA Executive Committee don't give one flying fart about what's going on with MLSPU, a position they made abundently clear when, in response to FIFPros' "DEMAND THAT FIFA FIND MLS IN VIOLATION OF THEIR REGULATIONS, charging that:

MLS ....ignores FIFA rules in several respects. For instance: there are players without a guaranteed contract, player contracts are routinely terminated by the league, MLS acts as a cartel, there is no freedom of movement for any MLS player, and virtually any player can be transferred to another club in the league without his consent.

FIFA COVERED THIER EARS AND HOLLERED "I CAN'T HEAR YOU" back at FIFPro:

"FIFA understands that this domestic issue is being resolved in accordance with U.S. labor laws and does not involve the U.S. Soccer Federation. FIFA will not] interfere in the process. We have been assured that FIFA's regulations have been and will be respected."

Notice that FIFA does not say that MLS IS in fact in compliance. Although that point is indeed arguable, it's also true that FIFA has known about it since Day One and has refused to interfere.

(If you want to know a good reason to like Chuck Blazer, and why MLS likes him so much, there you go. It pays to have friends in high places)

But of course what they gave us was "we have been assured that everything is just fine, and that's good enough for us".

Then, adding insult to Bobs' injury, Jack Warner and CONCACAF PROMISED THEIR FULL SUPPORT FOR THE US WORLD CUP BID (hat tip: Pablo Chicago).

(Just in passing, this announcement puts the lie to the theory we've been hearing around here for years that Sunil Gulati has no soul, since judging by CONCACAFs' decision quite obviously he just got done selling it to Jack Warner. Of course the amazing thing is that there would have been any question about CONCACAF supporting a CONCACAF bid. But since it's Jack we're talking about, it doesn't seem strange at all)

So on the one hand we have Bob Foose claiming that the US bid is in jeopardy because of MLS and on the other hand we have Jack Warner, Chuck Blazer, CONCACAF and FIFA itself saying the opposite.

Who to believe....who to believe...gosh, there's tough one.

Nothing personal Bob, and nice try by the way, but you're just not going to get very far with "The Sky is Falling". Back to the drawing board.

So either Foose honestly believes that tripe, which leaves his competence open to serious question, or else he knows it's baloney but thinks YOU AND I will believe it.

Of course, there have been several guys in the soccer blogosphere who have taken Bobs' Bone and are now running with it for all they're worth, but we'll consider the sources and move on.

If the "American soccer fans aren't all that bright" posit is in fact where Foose is aiming here, he really ought to spend a few hours on BigSoccer sometime.

Sure we've got our share of crackpots and conspiracy theorists (not excluding myself on occasion) but they're greatly outnumbered by intelligent, reasonable people who do, in fact, have a clue and aren't likely to accept that FIFA is going to turn it's back on the ludicrously lucrative payday a US World Cup would provide - or toss out a previously qualified World Cup finalist - because MLS is run a little differently.

Seriously: can you envision FIFA throwing the United States out of South Africa 2010 over this? If Bob thinks he can convice you it's possible I suppose it's OK to try, but don't you lose a bunch of credibility when you peddle patent nonsense?

I've been waiting until after MLS Cup and the expansion draft before I started in on the MLS CBA debate because, although several guys I like (read: don't want to indsult) like Beau Dure, Shawn Mitchell and Dan Loney tried moving the debate to the front burner in the last week or so, I figured there was plenty of time.

(And speaking of the draft, is there any event - apparently MLS intends for it to be a permanent fixture on the league schedule - that causes more excitement and amounts, in the end, to so little?

Seattle, as they did in damn near everything, got very lucky in what was offered last year and more power to them, but this year was much more typical. At the end of the day, you look at the list and say "Meh")

And that time has come, maybe a little sooner than I thought, but with Bob Foose trying to scare us with his silly, patently phony "warning" about the dire consequences of not giving him what he wants, clearly the "We're not negotiating in the press" phase is dead, and I therefore do declare CBA Silly Season open for business.

Not Art, But Not Bad

Bill Archer — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 16:26:12 GMT

There are a lot of things you can say about 2009 MLS Champion Real Salt Lake and their improbable - impossible? - run to the Cup.

But one thing nobody can ever say is that they got it on the cheap.

In order to earn the right to stand on that teeny-tiny little stage they always erect for the awards ceremony so that the photos look like a mob scene instead of 25 people standing on a few sheets of plywood in the middle of a big empty field, they had to defeat, in order, the Columbus Crew, the Chicago Fire and the Los Angeles Galaxy.

That's pretty much the best MLS can throw at anyone, and it includes most of the leagues biggest stars in Schelotto, Blanco, McBride, Donovan and Beckham.

No small achievement when the most widely recognized player you can send out there is creaky old Clint Mathis.

If none of those wins - with the possible exception of the come-from-behind win over CBus - was exactly a masterpiece of the art of football, well, they don't give extra credit for style.

What they DO do is give out Cups for winning, and RSL got themselves one.

The complaint window is closed.

Zelmo Beatty would be so proud.

He was the star of the last Salt Lake City based professional team to win a league championship when he led the 1971 Utah Stars to the ABA title over the late, lamented Kentucky Colonels.

If that seems like a long time ago to you, well, that's because it is. What's probably more important is that MLS has already outlasted the ABA's 9 year life span.

Someone must have forgotten to show Landon Donovan the script last night. It was supposed to be David Beckham who hacked his PK attempt, not the US Soccer/MLS Player of the year.

Amazingly, there are only two MLS goalkeepers who have ever stopped a Landon Donovan penalty kick: Nick Rimando and RSL's current GK coach, Jeff Cassar.

Rimando went to his left but he might as well not have bothered as LDo's attempt to hit the roof of the net soared into the stands instead.

Overall though there were only two spot kicks of the "What the hell was that?" category: Andy Williams' weak roller that gave Josh Saunders no trouble whatsoever, and Edson Buddles' almost identical gamekiller.

LA fans may protest that Jovan Kirovskis' attempt fell well short of brilliance as well, but that seemed to be more of a case of telegraphing the shot. Everyone on the field, everyone in the stands and everyone watching on TV knew exactly where he was sending it two strides before he struck the ball.

Maybe he was double-double crossing Rimando: "if it's obvious I'm sending it left, maybe Nickie will believe that nobody could possibly be so obvious and, thus, figure that I'm faking him out" or some such.

Just another reason why Dema Kovalenko should have been out there. Nobody ever accused him of thinking too much.

The atmosphere was everything MLS could have asked for and more. Too bad the play wasn't always of the same quality. That's the way it often is in championship games though.

Fortunately, the raging emotions and a hard-partying crowd pretty much made up for it.

But if the ragged, frantic and disjointed play, particularly early on, didn't clue you in to the waves of emotion the players were wrestling with, then the reaction of RSL lynchpin Javier Morales to having to come out with an injury eliminated any doubt as the Argentine buried his head in his jersey and sobbed inconsolably.

That said, can't someone convince ESPN that while a little pathos is good TV, after a while it becomes voyeuristic? Enough, guys, enough. We got it.

I'm not going to belabor the issue but I was almost relieved when the Royals' opened the second half without Will Johnson. After being told 50 times during the Conference final that he had an axe to grind with the Fire, if the broadcasters had mentioned Johnsons' food poisoning episode one more time, I would have been the one throwing up.

Findlay looked dangerous all night long but repeatedly he'd blow past Berhalter like the guy was standing still only to find him in the way again after the eight or ten touches it seemed to take Robbie to get a handle on the ball again.

Speed is a wonderful thing, but maybe if he cranked it down half a notch he could control the ball a little better.

One of the many cool touches of the night came even before the first kick, when ESPN had a camera in Jason Kreis' face as he sat on the bench waiting for the whistle. He was trying to give them a suitably serious, even grim, visage, but mostly he was obviously fighting back a grin.

Of course, for a guy who, just six weeks ago, many people were suggesting was on thin ice with his bosses, he had one hell of a lot to smile about.

Finally, Seattle fans have reason to be happy that the Sounders didn't make the MLS Cup final.

Not because they wouldn't have shown well; judging by a lot of the play last night, the lime-and-whatever clad Seattlers could have beaten either of those teams by three with just an average performance.

But if the Sounders had been one of the participants last night, then the packed stadium and citywide excitement, admirable though they might have been, would have been viewed as a city rallying behind the home teams' championship run.

Perhaps still remarkable by American soccer standards, but not particularly noteworthy otherwise.

However, the fact that Seattle generated that much enthusiasm, passion and general hoo-hah over an MLS game where the home team was NOT involved says much more about what's going on out there.

Sounders fans have taken some guff - some justified, some probably not - over their "ain't we something?" attitude this season, but numbskulls like Jose Romero aside they have indeed had much to be proud of. Their inaugural season has been nothing short of a smashing success.

In a larger sense though, the scene yesterday was something that all MLS fans can take a great deal of satisfaction from. The Sounders phenomenon didn't occur in a vacuum or spring full-grown out of thin air but rather was the next step in a process that's been going on for well over a decade.

So while we're all congratulating Seattle - rightly so - for a job well done, it's OK to go ahead and pour one for yourselves as well. We're on the right track,

More please.

MLS Cup? Is That Today?

Bill Archer — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 20:58:31 GMT

Although it hardly qualified as a secret that Toronto was hot on the trail of Predrag (as opposed, I guess, to POSTdrag) Whats-his-face (AKA Sensei Preki), nonetheless, credit where credit is due it was the esteemed Ives Galarcep who first posted that it was a done deal.

(Apparently Mo Johnston is taking the approach that hey, if you can't beat 'em then you might as well kick, trip, gouge and punch 'em. )

Much more out of left field is HIS SCOOP TOUTING STEVE SAMPSON as having the inside track for the Seedy Chivas job.

If true - and seeing as how it's coming from Galarcep rone tends to believe it - then I for one want to publicly thank CUSA management for providing Dan Loney with enough utter-contempt-based material to keep him posting well into the New year.

Much if the talk today centers around the bone bruise on David Beckhams' right - ie. "bending" - foot.

But since there's probably not another player on the field with as much at stake tonight as Poshs' hubby, I'm guessing he'd run on out there in a full body cast if he had to.

For Becks, this is just one more "they wrote me off and I proved them wrong" opportunity in a career full of them.

Of course if the Gals win the debate over whether it was because of him, in spite of him or something in between will commence before he finishes his shower.

But if any athlete has had a stranger year than DB has had in 2009, I can't think who it would be.

Also in Seattle are undoubtedly the owners of Chrystal Palace Baltimore and the Tampa Bay Rowdies, both of whom announced that they too have jumped the USL ship and are signing on with the TOA (who badly need a real name for their burgeoning league, considering that at this rate it's going to be as big as the NHL).

Unfortunately, no one is starting a rumor that their presence in some corporate courtesy suite indicates their impending MLS membership, so I can't ridicule anyone for it. What I can pass along is that the increasingly desperate NuRock/USL management is now making serious noises about the TOA "interfering" in their business affairs and the seceding teams violating certain agreements.

All of which would seem to point to everybody doing the deposition shuffle in the near future. Fortunately - or not, depending on your point of view - the final word in all of this is going to come down to what USSF is willing to allow. They say you can play, you can play.

I've heard some references recently about TOA possibly being a "renegade" league, ie. playing as a non-sanctioned organization.

It says here that you have permission to mock people who express said opinion with, as Dan would say, "Great mockery". NOBODY takes a soccer field without a USSF registration card, and even if they could find 11 guys stupid enough to do so they'd never find a referee willing to toss his career away for a couple hundred bucks.

FIFA and USSF take, shall we say, a very dim view of this kind of thing. Put another way, they would immediately issue a lifetime ban on anyone who participated in such a farce, including administrators, officials, grass mowers, ticket takers and restroom swabbers.

Not gonna happen. Which means that the TOA wouldn't even be talking about this - and signing up new members - if they didn't already have a wink and a nod from Sunil and the Boys.

You heard it here first.

You know, I completely get - and heartily endorse - the kind of community involvement events that Mr. Garber noted yesterday are crucial to MLS' claim that they are indeed "major league".

And I think having The Don, Juan Pablo Angel, Jeff Cunningham et. al. out with shovels and other assorted implements of destruction picking up garbage in an effort to keep Seattle "Clean and Green" is better than, say, hanging around the bars with reporters.

What I don't get is if it's indeed true, as the Commish said yesterday, that "Seattle is such an environmentally focused city" then how in the hell did the good burghers of that fair city leave "546,000 pounds of garbage" laying in the streets waiting to be scooped up?

I happen to live near Akron, Ohio, one of the great open cesspools of the Western world and they'd declare a municipal emergency if there was over half a million pounds of garbage lying around the place.

The Comic and The Commish: Cooling Out Coffeetown

Bill Archer — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 15:16:13 GMT

Being unable to make it to Seattle on Friday has more benefits than just the serene knowledge that someone flying standby out of Cleveland got a good break, one of them being that I watched the Supporters' Summit.

I went to one once. It was nice. But I've never gone since, and I've always felt guilty about it. If you're right there anyway, it seems like your civic duty, sort of like voting only with Sam Pierron handing out the stickers.

Photo: Andy Mead, YCJ/BigSoccer

The Commissioner gives the same song and dance he gives everyone about everything, people in the audience toss out softball questions about ridiculous minutia, single table and promotion/relegation and then everybody goes for beers.

Me, I've always chosen to go straight for the last part. Saves so much time, I've found.

But yesterday, stuck at home with my foot elevated and my mood depressed, I couldn't come up with a good excuse not to watch the Don and Drew Show, and I have to say:

Those guys ought to take it on the road. Their act deserves to be ranked with all the great showbiz partnerships, like Martin and Lewis, Penn and Teller or Sacco and Vanzetti.

Well OK, maybe not the last two. There are no innocent victims in MLS.

What did they say? Nothing really. Don's kind of sorry that he started out applauding all the streamer tossing in Toronto, since he now deplores it. He isn't any happier about football lines than you and I are. "Quality of play" means something different to whoever's talking about it. Stadium security around the league doesn't "get" the fan culture. He's filled with "glee" over the henry handball, since it makes the point that it's not just HIS officials who blow calls.

And, yes, Drew Carey doesn't believe Seattle will ever finish low enough that relegation would be an issue. (This is called hubris, in case you were looking for a definition).

And of course some mouthbreathing jerk had to start in lecturing The Don about promotion/relegation, as if it was the first time he'd ever heard the notion.

But it wasn't so much the questions or the answers as it was Drew Carey turning it into a network caliber TV show without breaking a sweat. Damn, the guy is good.

Case in point: The Don talked about "feeling the presence" of MLS in most stadiums now, using Qwest as an example of a dual use facility that features the soccer team in signage and the like. He contrasted this with Giants Stadium and - gasp - Gillette - where MLS is ignored. This tied in with an earlier comment about "football lines" which also seemed directed towards Foxboro.

For Garber, that was way, way out there. It was stunning.

But for some guy in the audience, that wasn't far enough. His question, if memory serves, was "Would you please tell that cheapass twat Bob Kraft to get with the program?".

It's the kind of question that's the reason they prefer written questions, making ignoring the unanswerable ones simply a matter of finding a trash can.

But rather than let The Don provide the usual embarassed fumbling and evasion (does anyone really expect Garber to say "Yeah, boy, that Kraft's a piece of frikkin work, isn't he?"), Carey is on his feet, doing 20 seconds of schtick on the Patriots and telling the camera how much he hates Tom Brady but thinks his girlfreind is hot.

Then he sits back down and someone asks another question.

It was so slick, so smooth, so perfectly handled that you almost didn't notice what happened.

For his own part, Carey has some ideas and isn't shy about them, and much of what he has to say centers - surprisingly, on the fact that he's "an owner", that he "likes money", that he's suspicious of plans for setting aside seats for visitors out of fear that they won't all get sold, he isn't particularly upset that RSL fans might as well be in the parking lot tonight and that if worse comes to worse he figures the Sounders will just buy some season tickets for Vancouver and Portland so they can have a traveling contingent that won't have to go begging.

Overall, it was a terrific show. If Don seemed to have something to say Carey would let him ramble. If he seemed to be working too hard at coming up with an answer, Carey would either provide a jibe or a joke or an aside, let Garber catch his breath and then go looking for another question.

Regardless of the situation, I love seeing a pro at work, and watching Drew Carey yesterday was to marvel at the effortless way he owned the stage while making Garber the focus and engaging the audience.

Now unfortunately, as is always the case, nobody asked anything that would have made Garber work, like asking him to explain how adding one team a year for a decade is "slow, controlled growth", and since he himself had ruled questions about "the union" basically off limits, all that was left was show biz.

And Don has to be trying to figure out how to never have to get up there again without Carey at his side.

Ireland Wants a Replay

Bill Archer — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 18:49:31 GMT

My previous comments notwithstanding, I wanted to pass this along. I'm not going to waste a lot of time commenting, but I thought an update was appropriate

As predictably as rain in October, the FAI today formally appealed to FIFA for a replay of the Ireland/France match that was won on an admitted Thierry Henry handball.

I understand the impulse, and sympathize with the motives, but if you can sit through this entire video you're a far braver man than I, or you have a low tolerance for repetition:

YouTube- Dirty Handball Goal by France ! France Bought Judges ! France 1-1 Ireland

Videos aside, IRELAND IS RAISING A STINK about this, although one has to guess that the odds against them even getting a hearing are remote at best.

It doesn't help much that this photo of Henry celebrating is making the rounds over there. You have to admit that he doesn't look particularly unhappy:

I wish them luck with FIFA. They'll need it.

Boy, Was That Ever Ugly

Bill Archer — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:24:04 GMT

Since John (see below) is on the Thierry Henry story, I'm taking a pass on it, for two reasons:

First, because we really don't need two posts on the same topic and second because, frankly, there's just nothing to say. The referee is directly behind Henry and so has no chance to see what occurs. The linesmans' view is blocked, so ditto.

Soccer is a lot like life: it's unfair. Your heart breaks for Ireland, who've gotten the shaft in this whole deal from Day One, and after 500 or so years of misery you'd think the Irish could catch ONE break in something but I guess that's not to be.

So we'll move on to the brief moment when it looked like the US might actually be involved in the game yesterday:

YouTube- Nov. 18, 2009: MNT vs Denmark - Goal 1 - Jeff Cunningham

Some people are dismissing this as a less than brilliant goal, and while it's not exactly the result of overall offensive strategy, skill and execution it is the result of good up front team pressure, which counts for something.

The shocking thing to me - particularly as an Altidore fan - is how much like a mediocre U15 forward this clip makes Jozy look.

He lopes along in the middle, apparently calling for the ball (judging by his hands), for no legitimate reason. He makes it easy for the lone defender to cover both him and Jeffro by staying close to the ball and at the same time a) blocks the legitimate pass that will beat the defender - the one to the teammate on his left coming into the area (of whom he is apparently totally unaware) - and b) limits Cunnys' one v. one options by taking away the space in the middle.

If you've ever played the game seriously, this is the point where your coach blew his whistle and stood there with his hands on his hips, smoke rising from his head, screaming "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?" at the forward while everyone else on the team studied the grass between their feet.

It's the kind of shocking lack of awareness and tactical good judgment that is holding the guy back. it's not his athleticism that's killing him professionally, it's his head.

Anyway, that lovely moment aside - and nobody does happy like Jeff Cunningham, whose megawatt smile could light Manhattan (or the HDC) - the US provided us with a depressing display of defensive ineptitude that is hard to ignore.

YouTube- Nov. 18, 2009: Highlights - USA 1, DEN 3

Let's start with Jonathan Spector.

I seem to have gotten this thing all wrong somehow; see, I thought the idea was that high=potential American players were going overseas to get better, but I'm apparently mistaken, since every time I see Spector he looks worse. If this trend continues, he'll be lucky to get an offer from the Charleston Battery.

And then there's Frankie.

I love Frankie Hejduk. You love Frankie Hejduk. Everybody loves Frankie Hejduk.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, Hejduk is done. I love Robin Fraser too but I'm not in favor of handing him a USA jersey.

I don't know how anyone hits the wall that hard but he's managed it. The Crew played much better without him all summer long, and as soon as he came back they went into the crapper and it's not a coincidence.

And since the expansion draft lists will be public probably by Tuesday afternoon, here's a prediction: Hejduk will be on it and Nowak won't take him.

Doesn't get much worse than an international an expansion team doesn't want.

Either MLS or Bob Bradley is wrong here.

Ricardo Clark/Michael Bradley:

I'm combining the two of them because they looked equally inept with the ball at their feet. We can't possible replace either one of them, so we're going to have to pray really hard that they were just so stunned at the incompetence of the defense that they couldn't concentrate.

Stuart Holden/Bennie Feilhaber

They can both come back.

Jeff Cunningham

OK, so it wasn't the greatest goal in US history, but the guy was active and aware and worked his ass off, and even delivered some decent service to Altidore, who looked as shocked as anyone. Bradley is going to have to get Jeffo some games somehow and figure it out, quickly.

I Need TV When I Got T Rex

Bill Archer — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:49:28 GMT

While it isn't going to remind anyone of Super Bowl week, ESPN has started a fairly substantial promotional campaign leading up to Sunday's MLS Cup game, with loud,
splashy, quick-cutting spots flickering across flat panels in bars, lounges and airports even as we (figuratively) speak.

Of course one of the featured elements is advertising the appearance of David Beckham, which is hardly surprising, since using Chris Wingert as the marquee attraction isn't likely to set the viewing meters ablaze.

(Speaking of which, have you seen the re-cut of the famous California tourism ads
where Hollywood types make puns about "working" in the Golden State? You know, the ones that end with the shot of Maria Shrivers' heavily botoxed "I'm a Kennedy" puss and then pan over to Arnold, looking frighteningly cadaverous, saying "When can you start?"? Those spots are now back in rotation, edited to include David Beckham kicking a ball into the ocean and saying "...but somebody's got to do it". Just too bad this whole Beckham thing is such a dismal failure, eh?)

Regarding the game itself, make all the sneering remarks you want about Don Garber wearing out a rug this week praying for a photo of Beckham and Donovan jointly holding up the Anschutz Trophy, looks of joy and brotherhood radiating from their faces as the tightly controlled confetti release showers them with glitter and the love of a grateful nation, but the reason he surely would like to see that shot is because it would be good for MLS as a whole.

Don't begrudge the man a desire to see the league get the maximum possible amount of positive worldwide publicity from its' championship game and then tell me you're a fan, because that's rubbish. A similar photo of Jameson Olave and Nat Borchers holding up the selfsame cup in victory won't make page D-7 of the Selma Weekly Kluxer, while the Beckham shot will be on the front page of 5000 newspapers and websites worldwide within an hour of it hitting the AFP wire.

This is a damn business, people. Everyone keeps saying they understand that and then
get pissed off when they see evidence of it.

Which is not to say that I'm personally hoping for a Galaxy victory. LA isn't a town an outsider can easily feel much love for. They're way too smug and arrogant (and that's just their coach) and the city as a whole needs something else to remind them of how much better they are than the rest of us like Toronto needs another drunk.

On the other hand, Salt Lake is the little engine that could. They get the benefit of the Underdog Love that's so deeply ingrained in all of us.

One problem they do have, judging by recent games, is a shocking - even by soccer standards - lack of respect for the officials. Was there one single whistle or flag against them anytime during that whole 120 minute match with Chicago where four, five or six of them weren't immediately in Salazars' face, screaming, gesturing, hollering, jumping up and down and generally acting like howler monkeys on meth?

Calls that were so obvious, routine and harmless that your average crowd of U12 parents wouldn't have bothered opening their mouths (and they don't shut up for anything, ever) drew shrieks of hysteria from the half the white-clad players on the field.

Someday, USSF is going to have to grow a pair and start punishing this kind of behavior. Gripe all you want about "diving" ruining the game, but in the US athletes don't congregate around the officials and scream in their faces. Whether they admit it or not, everybody understands trying to influence a call, but behavior like that just turns everyone off.

You want to help advance respect for soccer here? Start by demanding that the players show some class.

It was, frankly, an embarrassment, and if that's how they intend to behave in the MLS Championship match in prime time, with an actual TV audience, it's gonna be hard to gin up much enthusiasm for them, regardless of how annoying the LA Show Ponies may be.

So for a fan with no particular emotional involvement with either team, but an abiding interest in Major League Soccer as a whole, I guess we should root for LA to win and the Royals to act polite about it.

We Don't Need no Stinking Scoring

Bill Archer — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 15:53:31 GMT

Right about now is probably a good time to start yet another serious discussion of finding a better way to determine a winner in a soccer match of enormous magnitude besides the dreaded PK shootout.

Someplace else.

Not that I'm a fan of the thing - far from it. It's just that the gut punch delivered to the Fire and their fans last night after 120 minutes of emotion, drama and desire seems worthy of something more than just another tedious discussion of the rules of the game.

For now, well, this stuff is why we hold playoffs: Have a great season but hit a dry patch at the wrong time and you go home with the Shield and some "What ifs". Limp through the season like the Little Sisters of the Poor but catch fire at the right time, and end up playing for the Cup.

If this stuff didn't happen - and happen pretty regularly - there'd be no point in holding playoffs. When yours is the team that ended the season with the better record it all seems so unfair. When yours is the team that just snuck into the field and suddenly remembers how to play, it's a heck of a fun ride.

Just one thing:

When the opposing keeper has a reputation for PK killing, and has already blocked two shots sent to his left, perhaps sending your attempt to the same place is, um, well...not the smartest of plans:

A couple weeks back, in this very space, I drew some corollaries between the Red Bulls in 2008 and the Salt Lakers in 2009.

Last year the East was a beast, a dominance which culminated in the fifth place (eighth overall) Bulls - the last team to squeak into the playoffs - winning the Western Conference Championship and playing in MLS Cup against the team that finished the regular season on top of the Eastern Division.

The team NY beat in that final was, of course, Real Salt Lake.

I noted it only in passing, as sort of a nice pat on the head to those cute dreamers from RSL who were surely being led to the slaughter at the hands of one or another of the top teams in the east.

So of course the exact same thing happens in reverse: the fifth place Royals, the last-day-of-the-season playoffs wire stretchers, are now the Eastern Conference Champions and will play the top team in their own (ie. Western) Conference for the Cup next Sunday.

Two years in a row, the team coming in with the worst record in the playoffs will compete for the Cup. Some people will claim this is a bug.

They're wrong: it's a feature.

Just saying.

(By the way, would somebody ask Christopher Sullivan how Will Johnson (supposedly) felt about playing the Fire? Did Sully think Johnson had any, like, personal motivations last night? Any particular animus towards the opponents? I didn't quite catch it the first 8,012 times that he talked about it.

Good God, the man is like a parrot. Or a six year old.)

Athletes and fans tend to be a superstitious lot particularly, as many people have noted, in soccer.

Of course we all know intellectually that not changing ones' socks or eating the exact same breakfast on game day or walking through doorways backwards or whatever else you can dream up doesn't really have a damn thing to do with the outcome of a soccer match, particularly when you're only sitting in the stands or watching on TV 1000 miles away.

Still, there's a world of difference between knowing deep down that it's all a bunch of horse pucky and spitting in the eye of the soccer gods.*

WHICH IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER DO THINGS LIKE THIS.

Just saying.

The only thing sports fans love better than a good superstition is an arcane statistical fact, so here's one to chew on:

In the 11 years that Brian McBride has been on an MLS side, his teams have made it to the Eastern Conference finals 6 times.

Which would be a pretty strong endorsement except that as of this morning his record in those games is a perfect 0-6.

Just saying.

*Examples of Soccer Gods into whose eye one dare not spit:

Hickory, Dickory, Dock

Bill Archer — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 14:49:58 GMT

Pity poor Don Garber.

No, not because he has to put up with reporters all the time; he handles himself pretty well amongst the unwashed, freeloading, neck-plastic wearing keyboard bangers of the world:

YouTube- Don Garber comments nd gets into shouting match with reporter

But so far, the Conference Championship weekend, one of the biggest TV ratings grabs of the MLS season, has been, if not a disaster then the next best thing to it.

(Yes, I'm taking pity on those of you who didn't sit up half the damned night waiting for Southern California to figure out how to generate electricity and ended up hitting the DVR. Fair warning.)

LA-Houston was the kind of scheduling that MLS needs: a high stakes ESPN match featuring name players - including the long awaited "David Beckham in an MLS game that matters" storyline - and it ends up kicking off around 11:30 Eastern on a Friday night, waiting in the lobby until West Virginia and Cincinnati get done sullying the airwaves with the Stumpjumper Bowl.

The very late kickoff time guaranteed that the casual "let's check out the game" crowd east of the Missisippi were gone before JP Dellacamera made his first inane comment.

That was bad enough, for sure. But at least we were going to get the west coast, right? 8:30 kick, done before the local news, surely there are some numbers to be had even if all you're getting from the eastern seaboard is the same hopeless geeks who'd be watching if it was mid-May and the game featured KC and Colorado.

Then, less than a half hour into what was looking like a pretty entertaining match, the house lights go down as if the next thing you're going to hear is "ladies and gentlemen, MARIAH CAREY!!!"

But alas, it was the power gremlins, not a key grip, who plunged the place into darkness.

All the players milled around a while, Terry Vaughn looked like he was going to throw up, Bruce Arena had a sour expression on his face and up in a sky box The Don was seen pulling out a Glock and jamming it into his mouth as ESPN went into commercials and the sound of TV remote control buttons became almost palpable.

When the game finally started up again, there wasn't much question the players were struggling to regain some tempo and flow, but surely a big part of that was the fact that there were two very good defenses out there.

Halftime saw goose eggs on the scoreboard but surely the second half promised better, and initially at least it seemed that everyone had gotten back in the mood to play a little.

Until the lights went out again.

20 minutes later, when the game resumed again to a national TV audience which at that point - almost 2 AM Eastern - could probably have fit into Garbers' rec room, any hope of the artistic tour de force the lague had hoped for had dissolved into a hackfest.

And as the thing dragged on through the night and neither team was able to put the ball into a net, you suddenly were struck with the seeming certainty that the MLS Western Conference Champion would be crowned after a 4 AM PK shootout, the pictures flickering off sound asleep fans from coast to coast.

Mercifully, a goal sometime after the bars had closed, followed by a PK caused more by exaustion than malice, gave us a winner, at least on the field.

I'm just hoping they can get The Don onto a plane to Chicago before he sees the Neilson "first look" score for the game.

�Wir trauern um Robert Enke.�

Bill Archer — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:15:14 GMT

*UPDATE: Germany cancels Saturday friendly vs. Chile

Germany and the world footballing community are in shock this morning at the news that Hanover 96 captain and German national first choice goalkeeper Robert Enke apparently committed suicide yesterday by stepping in front of a speeding train.

German police sources have confirmed that a suicide note was found. Details have not been released.

Enke, who suffered a long, frustrating series of injuries over the years, including a recent bacterial infection, was still dealing with the loss of his two year old daughter from a rare heart defect in 2006 had recently emerged from the long shadow of Oliver Kahn and Jens Lehmann and appeared on course to start for Germany in South Africa next Summer.

All DFL players will wear black armbands in the next gameday as a tribute to Enke, as will his former teammates at Tenerife. Another former side, Barcelona, held a silent tribute and dedicated their Kings Cup victory Tuesday to their former keeper.

The German national team, scheduled to play Chile on Saturday, has canceled their training session. The official Hanover 96 website is blacked out except for the message �Wir trauern um Robert Enke.� We mourn for Robert Enke.

Enke is survived by his wife and eight month old daughter.

According to wire reports, US National team forward Charlie Davies has been released from Washington Hospital Center and will continue his physical rehabilitation under the supervision of the USSF medical staff.

Davies, who is still unable to walk unassisted, will reportedly require from 6-12 months to recover full mobility.

Perhaps USSF will favor us with a media release on the subject sometime today.

The accident which caused Davies' injuries as well as the death of a Virginia woman is still under investigation by state and local authorities and no further information as to the cause of the crash is available. While it's always difficult - if not entirely futile - to speculate in situations like this, the fact that the incident has been under investigation for so long would seem to strongly indicate that criminal charges are being seriously contemplated.

* The DFB has announced that they have called off the frinedly scheduled for this weekend VS> CHILE to give the team time to recover from the Enke tragedy.

(To Laura: thanks for your help)

Osei Can You See?

Bill Archer — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 14:37:51 GMT

The morning after a team gets knocked out of the playoffs there's always a good deal of finger pointing, blame seeking and what-iffing.

As dutiful, diligent, longtime fans of the Beautiful Game, we all know perfectly well that blaming a loss on any one play or one call is simply unfair.

What about this or that pass or this or that shot or this or that run that someone did or didn't make? Soccer consists of 90 minutes of opportunities - taken and missed - and the fact that so many games are low-scoring or no-scoring affairs demonstrates just how tenuous the whole deal is.

OK, have I been clinically analytical and dispassionate enough yet? Good.

Here's Emmanual Osei tossing New Englands' season down the crapper:

Everybody who follows the game knows that the obstruction rule is, basically, just there for appearance sake. 20 times a game we see a defender ushering the ball into touch like a Britney Spears bodyguard while some attacker, who at times appears to be frantically attempting to breed with his opponent, tries to get a foot on it.

We can have long, learned discussions about whether the ball was "within playing distance" and all of that officiating minutia, but the basic fact is that the defender had no thought whatsoever of doing anything but acting as a roadblock.

Which is the way the game is played and that's OK I guess, but someone needs to tell Osei that you need to put a little effort into it sometimes. The ball has a ways to go before it gets across the line, but he seems to feel his mere presence in the vicinity will be enough to make Nyarko turn and head up field for the New England throwin.

Nyarkos' pocket picking aside, it still took a nice piece of on-the-ball calmness from our man Cootiemac to send Chicago on to the Conference final, but the fatal error belongs to Osei alone.

Until that moment the game looked almost certain to go into extra time as the Revolution simply locked down the final third of the pitch, although not until they coughed up posession and allowed this lovely bit of ball movement after Jay Heaps seemed more interested in knocking Blanco down than playing, you know, actual defense:

All of which will likely ease Mr mcBrides' pain this morning after Mr. Reis made the point that it was, in fact, HIS area thank you:

Still, it's not like the Revs didn't have their chances, including this early Christmas gift for Pat Phelan:

Phelan, apparently, prefers to wait until Dec 25th to open his presents.

Cat Fight!!

Bill Archer — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 12:10:56 GMT

ESPN is running a college soccer feature this morning.

But before the nice folks in the various BigSoccer forums concerned with such topics get too terribly excited about NCAA womens' soccer finally getting the serious recognition it so richly deserves, they might want to take a look at the segment:

YouTube- Cat fighting gets ugly during BYU vs. New Mexico women's soccer match

The player in question is one ELIZABETH LAMBERT who is apparently on a one-woman crusade to prove that thuggery is not an entirely male province.

I'm thinking there's a better than even chance that New Mexicos' AD is going to spend a little time on the phone with the NCAA today.

Just a guess.

ADDENDUM: I'm not avoiding a summary of the playoff game last night. MLS hasn't posted the clips yet.

Nothing to See Here

Bill Archer — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:52:18 GMT

Normally, we try not to give rank stupidity a link, for obvious reasons.

In this case though, if I did not, people would claim I was making it up.

So here you go:

MY LINK OF THE YEAR.

I am forever indebted to BS loyalist "evangel" for passing along this article which, I admit, I read several times because I couldn't believe that it was not a parody.

Of course, there's also the realm of self parody, like when a certain blogger whom Aaron had SOME THINGS TO SAY ABOUT the other day breathlessly passes along the shocking, almost inconceivable news that in the ongoing kerfuffle between USL1/NuRock and the TOA "THE TOA HAS APPROACHED AN ATTORNEY" who "could be handling" one thing or another. Possibly. At some point. Maybe.

Well stop the frikkin presses! You mean to tell us that two opposing parties of businessmen with millions of dollars at stake are squaring off and someone rang up some shyster at Dewey, Cheatem and Howe?

Of course, if you guys would ever let me get away with that many "we are told by sources" and "from this we can presume" and "this would appear to" and "we have been told" and "we have recieved word" and "based on our reporting" and "according to one source" etc., etc., etc. I could provide this page with daily blockbusters the likes of which even Dan Loney on a ten day ether and grain alcohol bender couldn't imagine.

But I'm not complaining. You're a tough audience and that's fine with me.

Better that than an audience that lets you get away with bizarre comments like:

"Americans don't much like to have it pointed out that it's important to have a presence in the New York market." (Hat tip to FAKE SIGI)

So take THAT all of you who keep saying that we should get the hell out of New York. Whoever the hell you are.

But since this is the same blogger who sends me mash notes with blown kisses like

"Just understand that I'm watching closely and if you ever cross the line of fair comment I will legally act... Defamation is reverse onus in British Common Law."

(thanks Bud, I'll be sure to keep that in mind. Or not) I'll just move along.

I had a nice chat with a Seattle fan yesterday wherein, among other things, we talked about the reason why a lot of MLS fans seem to have a negative opinion of Sounders fans.

Immediately afterwards, someone sent me THIS LINK which proves that if nothing else, even the supposed professional journalists up there have a shockingly tin ear:

"We all know that Seattle is the center of MLS soccer, that no other city supports its team like this one, that Seattle has set attendance records and every game was sold out this year. And that other MLS towns like to hate on that, like this city is afforded special status because of the support for the team or something ridiculous.

Did you catch that? He starts out by taking for granted the proposition that Seattle "is the center of MLS soccer" and then ridicules the idea that people think the city is "afforded special status".

Pardon me, Einstein, but you yourself just got done "affording" Seattle "special status" (I believe "the center of MLS soccer" was the term you used) and then said that doing so was "ridiculous" and is caused by (what else?) "hate".

Then, as further evidence of Sounders modesty, he ends on a humble note:

"Furthermore, do you think that Sounders FC is on the world map now as far as a destination point for foreign players?"

Oh, I absolutely do, so long as none of them believes Seattle has "special status".

Since this piece seems to be about nothing at all, I'll take this opportunity to right a couple of wrongs:

First, I used some facts from the always worthwhile CLIMBING THE LADDER yesterday and forgot to provide attribution. The MLS Foul Awards post is very interesting, and the one below it breaking down MLS Goal Details is enough raw material to keep even the most depraved US soccer fan entertained for days on end. Enjoy.

Secondly, highly regarded Moderator (and thus, Stupidface) Stan Collins passed along the bit about the England bid committee providing expensive designer handbags to the FIFA greedheads and I forgot to give him credit, whether he wanted it or not.

And while I'm on the subject of juicy nuggets from my inbox, I have no idea what to do with THIS DISTURBING ARTICLE provided by Sachin, another well respected Moderating Stupidface, except to say that, after seeing TFCs' futility in the box this season, one thing nobody can say is that they kick like girls. The girls apparently kick much harder.

Strange Brew

Bill Archer — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 13:24:32 GMT

Over the next few days bloggers far and near are going to be offering up their opinions on the MLS Year End Awards nominations.

The main reason for this isn't that they honestly care that much. Almost no one really does.

But for a blogger - and I know whereof I speak - this provides one of the "automatic topics", like the traditional six part "Preseason Preview" or more recent "Playoff Preview", whose main value is to relieve the author of the nerve wracking chore of coming up with something to write about.

(And only guys which bloggers in Canada would call "pedants" like Andy Mead have the stones to critique the HoF Veterans ballot, since it requires that you actually know something: "Linda Hamilton? Wasn't she Sarah Connor?)

I myself don't do any of those, mostly because, well, everyone else does them and it feels silly. (Plus, let's be honest: as with Buzz Carrick's "Draft Preview" pieces, everyone looks up Kyle McCarthy's column and then cribs it anyway.)

However, I'm going to comment on two of the categories, just in passing, which comments will not include how badly Robert Warzycha's chances look today with everyone questioning not just his judgment but his sanity. He never had much of a shot anyway; in that group he was always a distant third. Ballot filler if you will.

I'm also not going to complain about the "Newcomer" category where all three nominees are from Seattle.

For one thing, they were a new team and so they had a lot of new guys. For another, the biggest omission might be Jhon Kennedy Hurtado, another Seattle guy.

In any case, it's unfortunate but true that this year there was a fairly shallow pool of successful "newcomers" and the Seattle guys are probably as good as you were going to do without having to actually pay attention to something other than the headlines, and that's asking too much, apparently.

In case you weren't aware, the league sends around a ballot which lists every eligible candidate for every award, which requires you to scroll past a long list of wildly inappropriate but tempting names for awards like MVP, since you can just see them looking over the printout: "Aaron Hohlbein??? Is he even a real player?".

And since they cast a pretty wide net during the nominating process, it's understandable that some of the candidates seem to be the result of people voting mostly for names they vaguely recognize.

Which is fine with me, but it results in some very odd finalists, and here are two examples:

Fair Play:

Kasey Keller � Seattle Sounders
Pat Onstad � Houston Dynamo
Steve Ralston � New England Revolution

First:

Bluntly put, keepers shouldn't even be eligible for this award.

These are guys who are trained to come bull rushing out of the goal like a deadheading freight train, leap high in the air while raising one knee so that anyone in their way gets whacked in the junk and then knock down anyone between them and the ball.

And referees, in turn, are trained to let them do it.

What's more, God forbid you should lay a finger on their precious little selves; their righteous indignation as they scream in your face is not an act; they are genuinely outraged. Fortunately for them, officials are told that keepers are "defenseless" when going for the ball and need "protection".

On the other hand there are 20 other guys on the field who spend 90 minutes getting grabbed, kicked, held, poked, elbowed, spiked and otherwise assaulted. Go watch the tape of Chris Wingert yanking Steven Lenhart to the ground by his hair last Saturday and ask yourself what YOU would do in that situation. Big Bird deserves the award for that one play more than Keller and Onstad for a whole season of incidental contact.

Players - like Ralston - who can take that kind of abuse game in and game out and never get fed up enough to haul off and lay five to somebodys' jaw are the guys this kind of award is for.

Second:

Excuse me, but would nominee #2 be the same Pat Onstad who just last Thursday came running out of the goal - like, you know, a keeper - and threw a shoulder into Fredy Montero for which he could arguably have been ejected? Perfect choice.

As for Ralston, who has won this award twice before, that's nice and all, but he only started 17 games. His 0.233 fouls per 90 minutes does lead the league, but if that's the criteria then why aren't Jacob Peterson (0.239) and Justin Mapp (,267) in the running instead of a couple of elderly goalhangers?

In any case, of course keepers don't commit many fouls. It's not because they're such swell guys, it's because usually it means giving up a PK. Isn't that kind of obvious?

Badly done, nominators. Badly done.

Comeback Player:

Brian McBride � Chicago Fire
Ben Olsen � D.C. United
Zach Thornton � Chivas USA

Danny likes to play "One of these things is not like the other" so let's go with that here:

Zach Thornton: came back from the career junk heap and had a superb season.

Ben Olsen: came back from what everyone assured us was a career-ending injury - some said he'd never even walk very well again - and was a solid contributor on a team that desperately needed him.

Brian McBride: missed 8 games with a shoulder injury

Of course, maybe I'm misinterpreting the thinking here. Maybe voters felt that in this case "comeback" meant, like, "He went to England and then he came back", which would at least make some sense, although I'd hasten to point out that he [i]came back[/i[] from Fulham last year. Maybe they didn't notice.

But we all know - hope? - they didn't do that. Thus, we can only conclude that people felt McHead having successfully rehabbed career injury # 2,327 was deserving of a sort of Lifetime Achievement award, like when they gave John Wayne an Oscar for True Grit.

I mean, this is a guy who's seen more knives than Benihana. Legions of Orthopods are running around today with trophy wives and cigarette boats paid for from the bills this guy has run up while having his body reassembled.

Hell, one time, when he had a FOOT LONG BLOOD CLOT FOUR INCHES FROM HIS HEART he was reportedly mere minutes from death. If you're giving out "Comeback" awards, I'd say "coming back" from death was a more significant achievement than this season, when all that happened was they did a little arthroscopic nipping and tucking inside one of his shoulders, meaning someone else was going to have to do throwins.

Which is OK because he never takes them.

His recovery was so arduous that the guy only missed eight games, "coming back" in time for the last six regular season matches and scoring a grand total of one goal.

I'm sorry fellas; I take a back seat to no one in my admiration for BMB but this one is way, way off base.

Paging Kevin Payne

Bill Archer — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 11:18:03 GMT

Well wasn't that ugly?

For those of you who TIVO'd the Real Salt Lake vs. Columbus Crew last night, a warning:

STOP! For the love of God, don't try and watch this match. Don't even risk trying to erase it. I recommend that you yank the box out of the wall, go out back and burn it.

After Seattle and Houston showed everyone how exciting and memorable a 0-0 soccer game can be last Thursday, the Crew and the Royals offered a demonstration of how depressingly awful one can be.

(Yes, Real scored two minutes from time. The goal at the end didn't improve the previous 88 minutes. It's the principle. Or something. Work with me here.)

Anyway, here is the match, in it's entirety:

After 88 minutes of lock down defense behind an attack that consisted entirely of launching 70 yard bombs to Big Bird, when the key moment came Frankie Hejduk didn't do much to contest the cross, Eric Brunner didn't bother to stay with the best hitter on the field and William Hesmer committed the cardinal sin of giving up the near post.

The mystery of course is why, exactly, Crew Head Coach Robert Warzycha elected to start his so-called "Luchadores" front line while the best soccer player in the building and arguably in the league sat on the bench looking like he wished he could start a fire to keep warm, possibly using Warzycha as kindling.

What do you suppose he is saving the guy for? Yes he wisely gave Schelotto a lot of games off over the summer, in order to keep him healthy and fresh for the playoffs, with the understanding that when the playoffs actually came he would be out there pumping some life into your suddenly flatlining offense.

Yet there we were, and there he wasn't.

Well here's a bulletin, Bob: if your team, which has only scored one lousy goal in its' previous five league games (and that was a 45 yard fluky bouncer from the left back), doesn't score at least TWO goals on Thursday, your superstar Argie is going to have a lot of rest.

Roughly five months worth.

On the other side, Royals coach Jason Kreis' 65th minute insertion of Randers-bound Yura Movsisyan changed the complexion of the game and seemed to demand a response from Warzycha, but Schelotto and veteran forward Alejandro Moreno sat rooted to the bench.

Particularly over the last ten minutes, with RSL owning the ball and throwing numbers forward, what the Massive Bananas needed was someone to control the ball a bit, slow down the pace and kill some clock.

What Warzycha gave them was journeyman Jason Garey.

At that point the almost forgotten early season mantra of WWSD began to pop back into your head:

What would Sigi do?

Robbie Finley found himself smothered in yellow shirts for 88 minutes but still managed to look dangerous. His work rate and surprising toughness really ought to be enough to get him a runout with the National side.

The most disappointing thing about this game is that these two teams usually play a wide open, attacking, attractive brand of soccer with shots flying in from everywhere, and this match had the potential to be one of the more entertaining matchups of the playoffs.

Instead, it was a plodding hackfest from beginning to end as each team had just two shots on goal and 2 corner kicks apiece while combining for 26 fouls.

MLS should give Kevin Payne his money back.