Dumbass Patrol

Like every other red-blooded, gun-toting, crescent-wrench-wielding American male too drunk to get up and change the channel, I'm sure you did your patriotic duty and watched yourself a heapin' helpin' of NCAA Football over the New Years weekend.

If you didn't, please don't say say anything, lest fans of American footie call you "parochial" for refusing to enjoy the entirety of sport:

"You know, the reason you don't like football is because you don't understand it. I mean, have you ever even watched a whole game or are you just...." well, you know the rest.

...

Seeing as how Mo Johnston has already announced that "Whining John" Carver will be Toronto's head coach next season, the latter's self-serving comments about "deserving to lose my job" and "my head is on the block" ring pretty hollow IN TODAY'S TORONTO SUN.


While the headline "TFC Coach Puts Job on the Line" is laughable, implying that Carver is saying that if the team keeps losing he'll quit - which he most certainly is NOT saying - it's the closing item which...

When last we left the intrepid bureaucrats of the England FA, they were slinking back to England accompanied by the dulcet tones of one big, fat, juicy international raspberry.


It was doubtless their fondest wish that the whole humiliating little affair would quickly be forgotten.

There was of course still the matter of Warner DEMANDING THAT LORD TRIESMAN "APOLOGIZE" FOR NOT MAKING THE TRIP by agreeing to attend his dinner dance later this summer, which penance TRIESMAN QUICKLY AGREED TO...

As a service to my loyal readers, I try to keep tabs on our good freind Jack Warner, the REAL "Pirate of the Caribbean".

It's not always easy, because he spends a great deal of time traveling, since in addition to the private planes and five star hotels to which his position entitles him he also loves soaking up that £500 per diem which FIFA pays him every night he is not in Port-au-Spain.


Luckily, he has the local newspapers pretty much in the bag, so they are usually full of his comings...

I take a back seat to no one in my respect for and gratitude to Paul Gardner, a man whose contribution to soccer in America through his work in Soccer America all through the dark ages before Al Rothenberg invented MLS and Al Gore invented the internet is unmatched.

In a just world, Gardner would already be in the Hall of Fame, instead of on the sidelines while the voters put an X in the box for embarrassments like Chuck Blazer.

That said, I find myself increasingly amazed at the level of disconnect Gardner seems to be suffering from. The latest example is THIS PIECE POSTED ON FRIDAY...

The Toronto Sun has posted a story by Dean McNulty which quotes former Metrostar and Chivas forward Amado Guevara as saying that he HAS SIGNED A FOUR YEAR DEAL WITH TORONTO FC. There's no word on when TFC will make an official announcement.


In essence, Mo Johnston turns out to be the guy who's desperate enough to roll the dice.

You'd like to say that Guevara has matured, outgrown his childish petulant temper and is now ready to resume an MLS career that took him from League MVP to league pariah...

A kind soul who shall remain anonymous forwarded me a link to this clown's latest.

DISAGREE ALL YOU WANT, BUT IN MY OPINION THIS IS A WORLD CLASS ASSHAT

It's like I said before - I can understand not giving a damn about MLS. I think it's shortsighted and ignorant, since everything has to start someplace and MLS is no exception.

But if he wants to sit at home and sniff about how it's not up to his lofty standards, fine. He'd obviously rather sit on his sofa sucking down Cheetos and Old Milwaukee Light while staring at a TV than get up off his fat can and go...

One of the downsides of this "blogging" thing I do here is that I end up wading through tons of raw sewage in a search of a couple things that I think others will find interesting.

There's just so much inane drivel out there, and you have to discipline yourself into skipping over the clowns and the terminally ignorant, since a) they aren't ever going to have original thoughts or ideas or insights and b) a lot of it can really tick you off if you let it.

Then too there's the problem of finding a particularly annoying piece of garbage which you really, really want to respond...

From the Calgary Herald comes an interesting note about those ubiquitous Gilette commercials which feature Tiger Woods, Roger Federer and Thierry Henry demonstrating just how smooth all that money has made their faces.

Or something.(You may recall that the current campaign replaces one that starred David Beckham, but since he's left the world of real football and headed to LA, they felt the need to retool.)

The Herald reports that IN THE REST OF THE WORLD THERE'S A FOURTH CABALLERO:...

Time-Warner Cable (the guys who refused to carry ESPN2 HD until after the World Cup, bastards) and ESPN (which may or may not stand for anything at all any more) announced today that ESPN Deportes WILL NOW BE INCLUDED in the "most penetrated level of digital cable service".

In Los Angeles.

Now I'm happy for the million plus customers who'll be getting this at no extra charge, but if it's not too much trouble could the rest of us have it too? Please?

If you would do us this favor, I promise to stop making fun of the ESPN Deportes anchor who concludes his...