US Soccer

One 100% heterosexual ass-tap, administered by Steve Parkin (Hull City's first-team coach), propelled Jozy Altidore into the Premier League arena for the first time. That's how we do things in England. "Get out there lad and score us a bloody goal," Parkin added. Or something like that.

Altidore didn't score a goal on his Prem debut – he replaced Caleb Folan in the 60th minute of Hull's home game v Bolton Wanderers on Saturday – but he did the next best thing in setting up team-mate Kamel Ghilas...

"We have distanced ourselves and will continue to distance ourselves from any comments that disrespect the memory of Hillsborough.

"We can see no benefit of giving him legitimacy by the club singling him out. Giving Mr. Cohen oxygen is the worst thing we could do.

"He is not a representative, nor ever has been a representative of the club. We have some 90 million fans worldwide and cannot account for every fan’s opinion."

Chelsea spokesman Gareth Mills puts the boot into...

"I call this the 'Mandon bearhug choke hold'. Nyum nyum nyum."

I see Becks has counter-punched over Wahlgate. The Englishman called Landon Donovan "unprofessional" – a well-judged choice of word intended to make Donovan seem like the guy in the wrong, when it was actually Donovan who called Beckham unprofessional in the first place. Dave had this to say:

"In 17 years, I have played with the biggest teams in the world and the biggest players and not once been criticised for my professionalism....

"I am Mandon. Hear me roar!"

Landycakes is dead and buried. In his place stands Mandon, hands on hips, hairy balls thrust forward, mainly in Beckham's Limey, cheapskate face. Gosh.

Donovan's transformation from cowering man bag into the Clint Eastwood of US soccer reminds me of the time when that ***** Prince Adam changed into He-Man; he looks the same, but he's not the same.

Mandon now says things like "What is respect? respect doesn't mean anything." Then his eyes narrow. Fierce – Landycakes...

If you don't count Giuseppe Rossi's loan move to Parma, then Oguchi Onyewu goes down as the first American to move to a Serie A club in more than a decade. Most of you will know that the last Yank to play in Italy's top flight was Alexi Lalas, who played for Padova from 1994-96.

Padova… Milan. There's no comparision really, and that's why Gooch's move to the land of suede loafers is absolutely huge news – even bigger than the man himself.

There's no doubt that Gooch's...

"What do you mean they commissioned Two and a Half Men for another three seasons? How the f@** did this happen?!!"

I just finished watching the best team in Europe, the world and the universe take apart Bob Bradley's pathetic band of no-hopers. Xavi cut the States to shreds with his surgical range of passing, just like I told you he would…

No, that's not right. Hang on a second… that's the other intro I wrote in my sleep. Sorry. What I mean is:

I just finished...

To paraphrase a very famous piece of commentary by Bjorge Lillelien: "George Washington, Barack Obama, Hulk Hogan, Michael Bay, Rush Limbaugh, George Costanza, Zac Efron, Carrot Top… your boys took one hell of a beating! Your boys took one hell of a beating!"

While watching Brazil dismantle the US, limb by limb, I was reminded of the terrible moment when a white tiger turned on one of Siegfried and Roy (Roy, I seem to remember). Not an analogy, just a reminder – but this was...

Wow, that didn't take long, did it? Kids in sweatshops work fast these days (joking).

You can register your disgust that Rossi slipped through the net – to go on and ripple America's net, not once but twice – by buying this rather smart tee from Objectivo.com, for the princely sum of $24. (This isn't a thinly disguised advertorial, by the way – I have no link whatsoever to Objectivo.)

Of course, no one thinks that Rossi is really a Judas, do they?

Still...

As I sit here in my castle, with my bad teeth and faggy tendencies (you can learn a lot on XBox Live about the way your nation is perceived by Americans – I've lost count of how many kids have owned me via the medium of rape), I take the time to reflect on yesterday's Confed Cup action; it's important to me that I do my research and discover which teams will possibly be more underwhelming than England at next year's World Cup.

I think I've found a solid team to back. USA, or the MNT (Men's National...

In admitting on World Soccer Daily that he sang "murderers" about Liverpool fans (a chant about Heysel, not Hillsborough, btw), Cohen revealed his true colours. Rough translation: he's an idiot ex-pat who has somehow managed to convince many Americans that he is an authentic English "soccer fan" (he's not, he's a horrible fake who parrots whatever tabloid-level bullshit he hears and reads from across the Atlantic).

Anyway, Cohen finally apologised for his repulsive Hillsborough comments. I found it funny that on the day he recorded the...