Ollie Irish - Premier League Tales

Visual metaphor ahoy! Squawk!

The transfer business conducted by Real Madrid and Man City this summer is grotesque, albeit fascinating. I really want to look away from the carnage – the swollen egos and the £150,000-plus weekly wages are no reason to love the game – but I can't physically turn my head. In other words, it's like a Michael Bay movie over here: bloody, expensive and ridiculously overblown.

We are living in exceptional and depressing times. If no English club can hope...

This is not a drill…

Happy now? After more than a year of "will he, won't he?" nonsense, it's happened, for real this time: Ronaldo is off to Madrid, if he still wants to go.

A statement issued by the English champions read as follows:

"Manchester United have received a world-record, unconditional offer of £80million for Cristiano Ronaldo from Real Madrid.

"At Cristiano’s request - who has again expressed his desire to leave - and after discussion with the player’s...

… and Madrid

Sevral sources in the Spanish media – pro-Madrid sources, admittedly – have claimed that Kaka will be unveiled as a Real Madrid player next week at the Bernabeu.

The most high profile of these sources is Marca, a Spanish daily tabloid newspaper that is extremely, unashamedly pro-Real Madrid. It's a Madrid rag, full stop.

Marca says the Kaka deal is done, all but for a few "loose ends". The price? €65m, which equates to roughly $93m, or £56m. Anyway you look at it,...

"I'm mental, me."

Notice a slightly feral, mongrel glint in the eyes of Pepe, Real Madrid's Portuguese defender? Me neither, but in the wake of his moment of madness against Getafe, I guess if you look closely, you can see it.

If you didn't know already, Pepe went fricking LOCO CRAZY NUTS on Tuesday, kicking out not once but twice at Getafe's Javier Casquero. If this happened outside a pub, it would be straight-up assault. But on a football field, well it's much more difficult to know how to...

According to today's Daily Mail, Manchester United "fear that 'weak referees' could drive Ronaldo out of Old Trafford this summer".

It's yet another layer of spin to add to the relentless "Ronaldo to Real Madrid" saga.

Here's my take on the situation:

I think Ronaldo WILL leave Old Trafford this summer, no matter how many trophies United end up with at the end of the season. Judging by his increasingly negative body language, C-Ron has already made up his mind that...

Here's my review of last night's CL action, organised into a handy list. Apologies to any fans of Villarreal and Bayern who read this blog - and well done to both of those clubs for reaching the quarter finals - but the post concerns only the ties involving Premier League teams (this is a Prem blog, after all).



1. Liverpool couldn't have played better
Holy shit! Where did that Liverpool performance come from? On that form, at Anfield, I'm not sure even Man Utd or Barcelona could get near...

Liverpool v Real Madrid (1-0 after 1st leg)

Not for the first time, Rafa Benitez has had a pop at critics who don't give his Liverpool side enough credit for their consistently impressive performances in the Champions League.

"We have the best record in Europe over the last five years, yet some messages coming my way are not the best," Rafa whined.

"The facts are there to see. Anyone can see what I have done here."

I don't know what messages Benitez refers...

Another intriguing night of Champions League football lies in wait. Here's my take on the pair of ties involving Premier League clubs…



Real Madrid v Liverpool
Six weeks ago, I'd have made Liverpool slight favourites. Now Liverpool are stumbling, whereas Real are thriving under Juande Ramos, a manager who left England with his reputation in ribbons - I'm sure there are Spurs fans out there who don't follow La Liga and still think of Ramos as "Christian Gross with hair".

Of course, Rafa...

Football folks are creaming themselves over Madin Mohammed, a six-year old boy wonder who plays like a pocket-sized version of Zinedine Zidane.

Freakishly talented kids are often hailed as "the next Zidane" (although "the next Messi" is more likely these days), but in the case of Madin the comparison at least holds water.

Like ZZ, MM is French-Algerian. Like ZZ, MM has an alliterative name - sub-editors and sponsors love those. Like ZZ, MM possesses awesome ball control. In fact, I've never seen a kid with such magical feet, touch and balance. Check him out:
...

Christian Bale pyscho rant

Today's News Balls are brought to you by Christian Bale's already infamous psycho rant at the unfortunate Director of Photography on the new Terminator movie, in which Bale plays John Connnnnnnor, the son of Sarah Connnnnnnnor. If you haven't heard it, listen now if you want to hear an A-list actor scale new peaks of douchebaggery, f-bombing and egomania. Holy Hollywood Batman, the guy is a nutjob

• After several months of wheeling and dealing, Arsenal...