Join NowAfter further review....
Pen Pals
Dear Mr. Goff,
Thank you for your letter, Steve. Can I call you Steve?
Let me answer that for you. Damn skippy I can call you Steve. I make Warren Buffett look like Jimmy Buffett - hell, I make him look like Hometown Buffet. I'll call you Susie if I feel like it. So seeing as I can turn the whole god-damned Washington Post into a blue Valu-Pak mailer, what say you call me Mr. Anschutz.
Thank you for your helpful lesson on public relations. Let me tell you something, Jamie. The economy is up Sh*t Creek, and I'm the only paddle salesman in town.
I have a job. You have a job. My pawns on the soccer plantation? As of this sentence, they have jobs. Although if I get an inch in my Fruit of the Looms, that could all change.
You know who doesn't have a job? Millions of our fellow citizens. Most of whom would have to chug an Ex-Lax mocha in order to give a crap about soccer in the first place. You tell the average piece of chewing gum on the sidewalk that hundreds of men are being paid to play Commieball, and they'll be shocked. Then tell them they're not happy with their job.
Hell, it makes me weep just thinking about it. Let's you and I hold a telethon about it. Let's tell the Red Cross, "Hey, hold up on Haiti. The MLSPU wants guaranteed contracts."
I'm a heartfelt, devout Christian, but Jesus pimpin' Christ and his stable of mixed-race hos - you think this is about public relations?
Guess what, Paul. I'm way ahead of you.
I hate to contradict the late Mario Puzo, but I like my enemies nice and far away. Keep your enemies closer? How has that worked out for Poland over the years?
This is why Garber's a better don than Corelone, not simply because he can smuggle illegal cigars. Who are the three most famous MLS players?
1. David Beckham
2. Landon Donovan
3. No one who has convinced me to waste a minute's thought on free agency.
Where are numbers 1 and 2, in this time of MLS players' greatest trial? The wrong country, the wrong continent, the wrong hemisphere. You think after the crap I took last year from the god-damned Italians, that I'd let my mouthy kids stay later at the mall without a very good reason?
Maybe, just maybe, if David and Donovan were in Los Angeles, they might have drawn attention to how big and thick my whip is. They've got other fish to fry, though, and they're on my boat doing it.
Landon used to be a player rep, for ********'s sake. Now he's farting around for a tenth-place team, the soccer press is completely agog over it, and it's totally upstaged the union. Someone's gonna have to report on our little labor talks in order for people to be up in arms about it - no offense, Greg, but someone who matters. We both know you ain't knocking hockey off the front page with this weak tea.
Hell, whose opinion are you hoping to change, Kyle? BigSoccer posters? Every single one of them would hold my puppyskin coat while I nibble my bald eagle kebab in exchange for the change in my dryer.
It's a World Cup year. I'm getting paid. I assume you're getting paid too, Ives. MLS can go dark this whole year for all I care. You think I need to keep cutting checks for Luis Angel Landin's pancake budget? Guess again.
We'll just start it up again in the fall, have a short season, maybe have MLS Cup in the snow in December. Won't be me out there shivering my ass off.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a meeting with Tim about the LA Sol. I think this year we're gonna win it all!
Love always,
Phillip F. Bignutz
King of the Wild Frontier
Thank you for your letter, Steve. Can I call you Steve?
Let me answer that for you. Damn skippy I can call you Steve. I make Warren Buffett look like Jimmy Buffett - hell, I make him look like Hometown Buffet. I'll call you Susie if I feel like it. So seeing as I can turn the whole god-damned Washington Post into a blue Valu-Pak mailer, what say you call me Mr. Anschutz.
Thank you for your helpful lesson on public relations. Let me tell you something, Jamie. The economy is up Sh*t Creek, and I'm the only paddle salesman in town.
I have a job. You have a job. My pawns on the soccer plantation? As of this sentence, they have jobs. Although if I get an inch in my Fruit of the Looms, that could all change.
You know who doesn't have a job? Millions of our fellow citizens. Most of whom would have to chug an Ex-Lax mocha in order to give a crap about soccer in the first place. You tell the average piece of chewing gum on the sidewalk that hundreds of men are being paid to play Commieball, and they'll be shocked. Then tell them they're not happy with their job.
Hell, it makes me weep just thinking about it. Let's you and I hold a telethon about it. Let's tell the Red Cross, "Hey, hold up on Haiti. The MLSPU wants guaranteed contracts."
I'm a heartfelt, devout Christian, but Jesus pimpin' Christ and his stable of mixed-race hos - you think this is about public relations?
Guess what, Paul. I'm way ahead of you.
I hate to contradict the late Mario Puzo, but I like my enemies nice and far away. Keep your enemies closer? How has that worked out for Poland over the years?
This is why Garber's a better don than Corelone, not simply because he can smuggle illegal cigars. Who are the three most famous MLS players?
1. David Beckham
2. Landon Donovan
3. No one who has convinced me to waste a minute's thought on free agency.
Where are numbers 1 and 2, in this time of MLS players' greatest trial? The wrong country, the wrong continent, the wrong hemisphere. You think after the crap I took last year from the god-damned Italians, that I'd let my mouthy kids stay later at the mall without a very good reason?
Maybe, just maybe, if David and Donovan were in Los Angeles, they might have drawn attention to how big and thick my whip is. They've got other fish to fry, though, and they're on my boat doing it.
Landon used to be a player rep, for ********'s sake. Now he's farting around for a tenth-place team, the soccer press is completely agog over it, and it's totally upstaged the union. Someone's gonna have to report on our little labor talks in order for people to be up in arms about it - no offense, Greg, but someone who matters. We both know you ain't knocking hockey off the front page with this weak tea.
Hell, whose opinion are you hoping to change, Kyle? BigSoccer posters? Every single one of them would hold my puppyskin coat while I nibble my bald eagle kebab in exchange for the change in my dryer.
It's a World Cup year. I'm getting paid. I assume you're getting paid too, Ives. MLS can go dark this whole year for all I care. You think I need to keep cutting checks for Luis Angel Landin's pancake budget? Guess again.
We'll just start it up again in the fall, have a short season, maybe have MLS Cup in the snow in December. Won't be me out there shivering my ass off.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a meeting with Tim about the LA Sol. I think this year we're gonna win it all!
Love always,
Phillip F. Bignutz
King of the Wild Frontier
Post a Comment
Total Comments 41
Comments
-
Sweet jesus, this was great.
Goff's a quality reporter. But just because he's had little to report about MLS, because of the negotiations being mostly under wraps, doesn't mean he has to turn into an editorialist to fill the hours.Posted 22 Feb 2010 at 04:29 PM by RapidStorm 
-
It appears there's a reason he doesn't do the editorial thing very often.Posted 22 Feb 2010 at 04:38 PM by Mike Gray
-
His was good (well...maybe okay-ish...at best. In the snow). Yours was better. Well done.
Posted 22 Feb 2010 at 04:41 PM by nationalsoccerradio
-
I really hope you mean "itch". I don't need to know those other details.Quote:I have a job. You have a job. My pawns on the soccer plantation? As of this sentence, they have jobs. Although if I get an inch in my Fruit of the Looms, that could all change.
I did mean "itch," but...yeah, the typo is funnier. -D.Posted 22 Feb 2010 at 04:42 PM by Reignking
Updated 22 Feb 2010 at 05:36 PM by Dan Loney -
Jesus pimpin' Christ and his stable of mixed-race hos
Loney, yet again, raises the bar for POTY.Posted 22 Feb 2010 at 04:43 PM by deekay
-
Damn.Posted 22 Feb 2010 at 04:45 PM by Bill Archer
Updated 22 Feb 2010 at 07:36 PM by Bill Archer -
Love it, pure comedyPosted 22 Feb 2010 at 04:46 PM by jefbal99
-
Ding, fookin', ding, ding, fookin', ding.
Count it.Posted 22 Feb 2010 at 05:00 PM by grant.alpaugh
-
Too good.
Posted 22 Feb 2010 at 05:01 PM by Dave Brull
-
Dan, you're really making Goff your bitch lately. Very nice.
On a serious note, I wonder what Anschutz's real emotional response would be to MLS going dark for an entire season (like NHL in 05). ITTET, I think you nailed where he'd come down over a public wage or free agency dispute. But this is the league he basically built and kept on life support on his own dime. I can't imagine he'd be happy to see his product devalued like that. BUT ... the cynic would say he has used this league to get entertainment venues constructed -- and he's been pretty damn successful in that -- so maybe he wouldn't be that personally bent out of shape afterall.Posted 22 Feb 2010 at 05:12 PM by Asprilla9
|
Post a Comment
|
Total Trackbacks 0
