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MLS 2010 - Zombie Holocaust
Posted 17 Sep 2009 at 09:13 PM by Dan Loney
Updated 18 Sep 2009 at 12:04 AM by Dan Loney (I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey.)
Updated 18 Sep 2009 at 12:04 AM by Dan Loney (I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey.)
Ever oppose an idea just because of the people who agree with it?
Well, something that will be good for MLS takes effect next year, and it will make sensible, rational, peace-loving folk tremble. And for once, I'm not talking about Philadelphia sports fans.
Ladies and gentlemen, MLS will play in a de facto single table league next year. It's a perfectly sensible idea, it benefits teams and fans that will otherwise lose players to the World Cup, and it makes me want to build a bunker.
In November 2010, either the Supporters Shield winner will be extremely excited about having won MLS Cup, or the Supporters Shield winner will be extremely disappointed about having lost MLS Cup. What then?
"How can this be? This legitimate league winner, the first in MLS history, being treated like the freaking Los Angeles Sol? Like some weak-ass Presidents Trophy winner? Like so many 18-0 New England Patriots? American soccer fans are accepting the playoffs as legitimate?
"Perhaps I've been wrong all this time," they won't say to themselves. "Perhaps as a fan it's my job to support the team and the sport, rather than tell other people how to do their jobs," they won't add, failing to achieve a sense of inner security, at peace at last with MLS.
The soccer Puritans have seen nearly all of their demands met over the years, with no corresponding increase in attendance. The countdown clock, the shootout, the raver-era nicknames, and now the conferences - all of which were claimed to hold back a nation of millions. The single table won't mollify them, either.
There are only so many things left that separate European leagues from MLS now. The salary cap, the single entity model, promotion and relegation. Let's look at these complaints with a little more hateful mockery, starting with the salary cap.
"I will stay at home and watch Burnley play Blackburn," runs the theory, "because Dane Richards is being paid $125,000 a year instead of $525,000. Besides, if we don't pay Jovan Kirovski more than $80,000, we risk losing him to a European team."
Look, I understand the premise that because the salaries are so low in MLS, we lose some of our favorite players to Scandinavia or wherever. But the salaries in MLS are so low because of the free market, not because of socialism. I wish more people would pay to watch Kenny Cooper, too, but they didn't. And now Dallas is...well, apparently they're doing better than ever.
The MLS salary cap has more holes in it than a Swiss cliche. There's a much better conversation going on about salary cap modification than the subject probably deserves, but suffice to say that "Raise the salary cap!" is the "Unleash Chiang Kai-shek!" for the MLS generation. From day one there have been ways around the cap - Jorge Campos might not have deserved the league maximum, but he was certainly making more than that.
MLS is in a weird place right now. There's not a correlation between salaries and winning, and there's not a correlation between winning and profitability. There isn't even much of a correlation between salaries and profitability - stadiums are a much more reliable indicator there. Down the road, that may happen - and then you'll see guys like Shalrie Joseph get paid ....oh, really? $450,000? And he's not a DP? Okay, bad example. How about Dwayne De Rosario, who gets...oh. Hm. Chad Marshall gets the league max. Stuart Holden's gonna get a big raise, and those pathetic rookie salaries are a CBA issue, not a salary cap issue, technically. Rico Clark gets nearly a quarter of a million.
I guess you can point to the Fire, who over the years have lost a bunch of guys to foreign climes - Bocanegra, Beasley, Ralph, and apparently this year Rolfe and Soumare are going. Except, they did open their hearts and wallets for Cootiemac Blanco, he with the soul of Riff Raff and the neck of the Criminologist.
And then there's the Red Bulls, who - you know what, you could have flown in Altidore and Michael Bradley to the HDC last year, and Osorio still would have found a way to lose. It's not like RBNY isn't willing to splash the cash. It's just they'd have been better off the past couple years taking that money and making it rain. By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that Alfredo Pacheco has already written his MLS Newcomer of the Year award speech.
And while I hate to kick a dog when he's bleeding, how's the unlimited salary cap working out for USL?
You say "salary cap," I say "budget." It's about keeping player salaries as low as possible without getting volunteers from the crowd. Which brings us to the alleged complaints about single entity.
"Because MLS is run on a single entity model, American fans prefer to watch foreign leagues."
"Cheering for laundry" is reductive enough, but at least there's some basis for that conclusion. "Cheering for the business model" is just contrary to experience. The most you'll get is Austin Powers going "Yay, capitalism." Unless every single international soccer fan is also a fully-paid member of the Cato Institute.
You know what a non-single entity MLS would look like at this point? Every other American sports league. What makes you think there's real competition in sports leagues? Are the Yankees and Mets trying to put each other out of business? Are USC and UCLA trying to get each other closed down?
Hell, you want to cut to the bone, football purist...why ARE there still fifteen teams in London? Why hasn't one member of the Old Firm crushed the other? What the hell's the difference between Inter and AC? Why would both Real Madrid and Barcelona, Manchester United and Liverpool, Juve and Bayern, all belong to the same G-14 coalition?
But Dan, the G-14 doesn't exist anymore. Sure it doesn't. One Champions League later. And watch how quickly it springs back to life if UEFA or FIFA tries anything funny with player eligibility.
Sports teams collude far more than they compete. Well, they compete all the time, but it's for TV ratings, and against other sports leagues for sponsorship bucks.
I hold out hope that people with objections to the business model - the salary cap and single entity - will see the carnage and havoc the recession is wreaking upon clubs worldwide, and hear the voice of the almighty god Reason.
On the other hand, I hold no such hope for those who demand MLS institute promotion and relegation.
If there's one thing I've learned over the years, you can't negotiate with terrorists, toddlers or zombies.
Or maybe I've learned three things that happen to be similar. That's not important right now.
What is important is, the only language promotion and relegation supporters understand is violence.
I'm as big a fan of free speech as the next guy, but it's time to take steps. People complain about guys like Bull Connor, but I say "Right idea - wrong target."
I mean, my tax dollars helped pay for all that perfectly good nerve gas, and it's just sitting there. Instead of fighting the good fight against terrorism, let's fight the FANTASTIC fight against promotion and relegation. Because you can't spell "promotion and relegation" without "pogrom."
But while the tree of American soccer must occasionally be watered with the blood of Eurosnobs, mass murder isn't something I yearn for. I might get someone's blood on my shirt, or something, and have to do an extra load of laundry. Or I might step in some zombie brain. Can't track zombie brain in the house. It weirds out the cat.
So I look on next year's single table with trepidation and dread. The only thing I fear more is if Bob Bradley leads the US team to one win, one loss, and one tie, but misses out on the next round because of goal differential.
Well, something that will be good for MLS takes effect next year, and it will make sensible, rational, peace-loving folk tremble. And for once, I'm not talking about Philadelphia sports fans.
Ladies and gentlemen, MLS will play in a de facto single table league next year. It's a perfectly sensible idea, it benefits teams and fans that will otherwise lose players to the World Cup, and it makes me want to build a bunker.
In November 2010, either the Supporters Shield winner will be extremely excited about having won MLS Cup, or the Supporters Shield winner will be extremely disappointed about having lost MLS Cup. What then?
"How can this be? This legitimate league winner, the first in MLS history, being treated like the freaking Los Angeles Sol? Like some weak-ass Presidents Trophy winner? Like so many 18-0 New England Patriots? American soccer fans are accepting the playoffs as legitimate?
"Perhaps I've been wrong all this time," they won't say to themselves. "Perhaps as a fan it's my job to support the team and the sport, rather than tell other people how to do their jobs," they won't add, failing to achieve a sense of inner security, at peace at last with MLS.
The soccer Puritans have seen nearly all of their demands met over the years, with no corresponding increase in attendance. The countdown clock, the shootout, the raver-era nicknames, and now the conferences - all of which were claimed to hold back a nation of millions. The single table won't mollify them, either.
There are only so many things left that separate European leagues from MLS now. The salary cap, the single entity model, promotion and relegation. Let's look at these complaints with a little more hateful mockery, starting with the salary cap.
"I will stay at home and watch Burnley play Blackburn," runs the theory, "because Dane Richards is being paid $125,000 a year instead of $525,000. Besides, if we don't pay Jovan Kirovski more than $80,000, we risk losing him to a European team."
Look, I understand the premise that because the salaries are so low in MLS, we lose some of our favorite players to Scandinavia or wherever. But the salaries in MLS are so low because of the free market, not because of socialism. I wish more people would pay to watch Kenny Cooper, too, but they didn't. And now Dallas is...well, apparently they're doing better than ever.
The MLS salary cap has more holes in it than a Swiss cliche. There's a much better conversation going on about salary cap modification than the subject probably deserves, but suffice to say that "Raise the salary cap!" is the "Unleash Chiang Kai-shek!" for the MLS generation. From day one there have been ways around the cap - Jorge Campos might not have deserved the league maximum, but he was certainly making more than that.
MLS is in a weird place right now. There's not a correlation between salaries and winning, and there's not a correlation between winning and profitability. There isn't even much of a correlation between salaries and profitability - stadiums are a much more reliable indicator there. Down the road, that may happen - and then you'll see guys like Shalrie Joseph get paid ....oh, really? $450,000? And he's not a DP? Okay, bad example. How about Dwayne De Rosario, who gets...oh. Hm. Chad Marshall gets the league max. Stuart Holden's gonna get a big raise, and those pathetic rookie salaries are a CBA issue, not a salary cap issue, technically. Rico Clark gets nearly a quarter of a million.
I guess you can point to the Fire, who over the years have lost a bunch of guys to foreign climes - Bocanegra, Beasley, Ralph, and apparently this year Rolfe and Soumare are going. Except, they did open their hearts and wallets for Cootiemac Blanco, he with the soul of Riff Raff and the neck of the Criminologist.
And then there's the Red Bulls, who - you know what, you could have flown in Altidore and Michael Bradley to the HDC last year, and Osorio still would have found a way to lose. It's not like RBNY isn't willing to splash the cash. It's just they'd have been better off the past couple years taking that money and making it rain. By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that Alfredo Pacheco has already written his MLS Newcomer of the Year award speech.
And while I hate to kick a dog when he's bleeding, how's the unlimited salary cap working out for USL?
You say "salary cap," I say "budget." It's about keeping player salaries as low as possible without getting volunteers from the crowd. Which brings us to the alleged complaints about single entity.
"Because MLS is run on a single entity model, American fans prefer to watch foreign leagues."
"Cheering for laundry" is reductive enough, but at least there's some basis for that conclusion. "Cheering for the business model" is just contrary to experience. The most you'll get is Austin Powers going "Yay, capitalism." Unless every single international soccer fan is also a fully-paid member of the Cato Institute.
You know what a non-single entity MLS would look like at this point? Every other American sports league. What makes you think there's real competition in sports leagues? Are the Yankees and Mets trying to put each other out of business? Are USC and UCLA trying to get each other closed down?
Hell, you want to cut to the bone, football purist...why ARE there still fifteen teams in London? Why hasn't one member of the Old Firm crushed the other? What the hell's the difference between Inter and AC? Why would both Real Madrid and Barcelona, Manchester United and Liverpool, Juve and Bayern, all belong to the same G-14 coalition?
But Dan, the G-14 doesn't exist anymore. Sure it doesn't. One Champions League later. And watch how quickly it springs back to life if UEFA or FIFA tries anything funny with player eligibility.
Sports teams collude far more than they compete. Well, they compete all the time, but it's for TV ratings, and against other sports leagues for sponsorship bucks.
I hold out hope that people with objections to the business model - the salary cap and single entity - will see the carnage and havoc the recession is wreaking upon clubs worldwide, and hear the voice of the almighty god Reason.
On the other hand, I hold no such hope for those who demand MLS institute promotion and relegation.
If there's one thing I've learned over the years, you can't negotiate with terrorists, toddlers or zombies.
Or maybe I've learned three things that happen to be similar. That's not important right now.
What is important is, the only language promotion and relegation supporters understand is violence.
I'm as big a fan of free speech as the next guy, but it's time to take steps. People complain about guys like Bull Connor, but I say "Right idea - wrong target."
I mean, my tax dollars helped pay for all that perfectly good nerve gas, and it's just sitting there. Instead of fighting the good fight against terrorism, let's fight the FANTASTIC fight against promotion and relegation. Because you can't spell "promotion and relegation" without "pogrom."
But while the tree of American soccer must occasionally be watered with the blood of Eurosnobs, mass murder isn't something I yearn for. I might get someone's blood on my shirt, or something, and have to do an extra load of laundry. Or I might step in some zombie brain. Can't track zombie brain in the house. It weirds out the cat.
So I look on next year's single table with trepidation and dread. The only thing I fear more is if Bob Bradley leads the US team to one win, one loss, and one tie, but misses out on the next round because of goal differential.
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Total Comments 46
Comments
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"Raise the salary cap!" is the "Unleash Chiang Kai-shek!" for the MLS generation
Stunning.Posted 17 Sep 2009 at 09:19 PM by Bill Archer 
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This column has truly been the culmination of the Aaron-Doesn't-Get-Any-Of-The-References Day. I was there on Chiang Kai-shek, but you lost me at "the Narrator."
Good stuff.Posted 17 Sep 2009 at 09:29 PM by Aaron Stollar
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Read more: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/200...#ixzz0RQCcPiSzQuote:Almost a quarter Europe's top division clubs reported large losses last year, with a third of the teams in the rich and successful English Premier League having losses of at least 20 percent of income, UEFA secretary general David Taylor said Thursday.
Also from the article:
Quote:Across Europe, 22 percent of top division clubs report large losses of 20 percent or more of income, with a further 27 percent reporting smaller losses. Barely half break even or make a profit.Posted 17 Sep 2009 at 09:36 PM by NeilB
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"You know what a non-single entity MLS would look like at this point?" Yup. Like the NASL, the ASL, the World Football League, the ABA and the USFL.
Posted 17 Sep 2009 at 09:46 PM by Roger Allaway
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Very impressive article.
I enjoyed it.Posted 17 Sep 2009 at 10:06 PM by aRanDomPenGuiN
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I have no real disagreement, but I don't think the "soccer purist" population size in the US is large enough to warrant the time and effort that went into this article.
Posted 17 Sep 2009 at 10:36 PM by Justin O
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The main thing is to praise Allah that MLS is FINALLY respecting the World Cup and keeping it holy. If they could now figure out a way to not schedule games at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME as hex round qualifiers, that would be swell.Posted 17 Sep 2009 at 11:09 PM by CCinGermany
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Very good, Dan. very, very good.
the frustrating thing about MLS (that you in fact pointed out) is that throughout the course of MLS there has been ZERO correlation between on-field success and profitability. that fact, as frustrating as it is, really should shoot down any pro- enlarging the salary cap argument. shoot it down because, why would an owner want to pay for it?
i want a bigger salary cap because i'd like to see MLS teams with slightly bigger rosters with a few more slightly better players so they can (1) compete better in international tournaments and (2) deal with the international call-ups better. but even i can admit that this is all essentially masturbation because i already admitted that it won't give the owners any tangible ($) benefit.
that being said, i'm not finding the correlation to the "de facto single table". so what if it's a balanced schedule? the supporter's shield is there for fans to recognize the top team in the regular season. if you feel that's the true MLS champion, it's your God-given right to feel that way. if you only recognize the playoff champion, then that's fine too.Posted 17 Sep 2009 at 11:17 PM by Asprilla9
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'Because you can't spell "promotion and relegation" without "pogrom."'
I might just have to shell out for a BS subscription just so I can put this in my signature line.Posted 17 Sep 2009 at 11:33 PM by clashcityrocker
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Great writing this:
"'Perhaps I've been wrong all this time,' they won't say to themselves."
Bravo, Dan, and I'll add that I agree with 99.374 percent of the thing.Posted 17 Sep 2009 at 11:54 PM by scott47a
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