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Fernando Torres will NEVER play for Manchester United
Posted 15 Jun 2009 at 12:10 PM by Ollie Irish
Fernando Torres and Bruno (@ The Spoiler)
I bring you shocking "news" from this weekend's Sunday Express (a British tabloid with less class than Silvio Berlusconi):
"Sir Alex Ferguson is planning an audacious raid on Liverpool for Kop striking hero Fernando Torres.
Armed with the £80 million windfall from Cristiano Ronaldo’s move to Real Madrid, the Man Utd boss is determined to make his own impact in a transfer market which is becoming bloated with money from the big clubs.
Liverpool hitman Torres is the shock target, as Sir Alex knows that a bid of around £40m would have to be seriously considered by United’s title rivals who have severe cash problems.
If Ferguson could pull off the coup, it would be a slap in the face for Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez, who was involved in a war of words with the Scot during the second half of the season.
Liverpool, who paid £20m to bring Torres from Atletico Madrid, would fight tooth and nail to hang on to the Spaniard but a British transfer record offer would give the Anfield boardroom serious food for thought."
Yes, and I'd like to spend some quality time in a seven-star hotel room with Tina Fey, Audrey Tautou and a large bowl of the finest cocaine known to humanity, but you can't always get what you want.
I don't doubt for a second that Ferguson would love to sign Torres, but there's as much chance of it happening as me hanging out with the lovely Tina and the delectable Audrey. Translation: a less-than-zero chance.
Man Utd and Liverpool don't do business. Not anymore. The last time Liverpool sold a player directly to Man Utd was in 1964. Bill Shankly paid Matt Busby £25,000 for a 22-year-old inside right called Phil Chisnall. As Chisnall said in an interview with the Guardian a couple of years ago, there was nothing like the emnity that exists now between the two clubs. A couple of seasons ago, Gabriel Heinze almost ended up at Anfield, but Real Madrid stepped in to save United's blushes and preserve the transfer moratorium.
If Fergie thinks he can lure Torres away from Anfield simply because Liverpool's co-owners lost a large bunch of cash last year, and because United are about to be burdened with £80m to splash on players to replace the departing Cristiano Ronaldo – this is the gist of the Express's argument – than he's wrong.
However, Fergie is not an idiot, and so he isn't planning a raid for Torres, which anyway would be dumb not audacious.
If anyone's going to make an audacious bid for Torres, it's Barcelona, but even then, the phrase "would have to be ripped from the cold, dead hands of Rafa Benitez" springs to mind.
BONUS VID Watch Torres bang in a hat-trick for Spain against New Zealand in the opening round of games in the 2009 Confederations Cup:
NZ 0-5 Spain
Spain are so much better than every other nation right now. If they don't win the Confed Cup, I'll eat something inedible. Like a hat.
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I thought Brazil would have put themselves firmly into 2nd place in the tournament with a tidy 3 or 4 to 1 or nil over Egypt today, but boy was I wrong. If the U.S. isn't careful, we're going to get our pants pulled down in this group.Posted 15 Jun 2009 at 12:25 PM by grant.alpaugh 
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I heard Liverpool are on the verge of landing Vidic and Rooney.
Posted 15 Jun 2009 at 12:33 PM by ElNino
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Photos of red nosed Fergie tapping up Torres..
Posted 15 Jun 2009 at 12:40 PM by Dynamo Kev
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One hopes this will be the caseQuote:Originally Posted by grant.alpaugh
I thought Brazil would have put themselves firmly into 2nd place in the tournament with a tidy 3 or 4 to 1 or nil over Egypt today, but boy was I wrong. If the U.S. isn't careful, we're going to get our pants pulled down in this group.
Posted 15 Jun 2009 at 12:50 PM by busbyboy74 
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No way Man U goes after Torres as everyone on this side of the pond knows there is a three way deal in the works involving the Glazers, Hicks and Gillet and Obama.
Man U gets the remnants of AIG, a boatload of cash and a new stadium deal in New Jersey in the next Stimulus Bill, Liverpool gets new owners (US taxpayers) and the US National team gets Torres, along with a summer tour of British beer gardens.
Just to make it all legal and to sweeten the deal for Torres, we're throwing in Megan Fox so he can marry and get his citizenship papers ala David Regis.
Oh, and Blatter and Warner will throw in with an adjustment to the new country switching rule to accomodate the Torres switch as the new Stimulus Bill will be used to cover all their expenses (no receipts required)!
Bob Bradley will then elect to start Torres as our new Left Back to fill our team's most glaring weakness. After which, even at LB, Torres will be our leading scorer in the WC (slightly ahead of Tim Howard).Posted 15 Jun 2009 at 01:39 PM by alffy
Updated 15 Jun 2009 at 02:19 PM by alffy (edited for bone-headed typos) -
Good call on Audrey Tautou, she's a cutiePosted 15 Jun 2009 at 02:41 PM by AfrcnHrbMan
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ollie your right, torres will never play for man u
Posted 18 Jun 2009 at 05:12 AM by Bear Fish
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