Scientists express concern for Heskey

[Motterman]

Health experts last night expressed concerns for the welfare of the world famous magician whose latest record breaking stunt continues to arouse controversy.

Leicester born Emile Heskey is attempting to spend a marathon 44 days in a penalty box - without scoring a goal.

Friends and supporters say so far he's making excellent progress. And that's despite the many members of the public who've turned out to taunt him by waving footballs and empty nets.

But fears remain for the psychological effects of long-term goal deprivation.

"Over weeks and months it can lead to abuse, frustration and even delusions of grandeur," a psychiatrist told us last night. "Just look at Andy Cole."

Onlookers have also expressed alarm and bewilderment.

"He's just nuts," said one spectator. "We thought Teddy Sheringham was foolhardy when he tried never to score in England internationals - but this guy's taking it too far."

Heskey's latest endeavour is just the latest in a series of outrageous illusions by the 25 year old entertainer.

For the past four years he's attempted to pass himself off as a high-class professional striker - successfully convincing football experts including England boss Sven Goran Eriksson, despite the skepticism of supporters.

The occasional project has ended in failure, with an abortive attempt last year to spend 35 hours standing on a penalty spot in Manhattan without falling over.

His rise to fame has encouraged other leading footballing figures to dip their toes in the world of magic.

In August Harry Kewell successfully emulated his namesake Houdini when he performed a breathtaking escape from a bank vault at Leeds United to join Liverpool.

He'd in turn been inspired by the sensational feat performed by his former chairman Peter Ridsdale, who wowed the world by miraculously transforming £70 million transfer fees into no trophies and a flirt with relegation.

Meanwhile Liverpool manager Gerard Houllier stunned scientists last year with his revival of the ancient art of reverse alchemy - his secret chemical formula turning a Champions League spot into UEFA Cup football.

And mysterious events continue at Stamford Bridge where Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has already turned Juan Sebastian Veron and Peter Kenyon from red to blue.

He's now reportedly attempting to prove that - by simply adding £110 million - he can turn the club from Premiership also-rans to, erm, Premiership also-rans.

[The Double]

:D:D


You see? Thats how you punks do it.

[OPArsenal]

Wonderful piece of sarcasm, Motter. You should write for The Onion. I feel more cynical having read that. :D

Rien mais le Treble!

OPArsenal

_____________
Double, how 'bout them Jags? Do you live in Jax?

[nicephoras]

But to be fair, making fun of Emile Heskey is like, well......I can't really think of anything easier, actually. I've never tried shooting fish in a barrel, but that still sounds harder.

[The Double]

Lived in Jax for a summer with a friend, liked it, but wasn't crazy about it. I try to make it down every year at least twice to see games at Alltell.


Sadly, the highlight of the season was having Del Rio's nephew level that idiot during training camp. We should be 1-0 after the game against Carolina, but alas, it was not meant to be. I didn't want to be in this position, going 0-1 against the Bills who look good right now. The defense, having Hugh around is great to boost the team, as he is a locker room presence. But Fernando Bryant has got to start pulling his weight. This, in my opinion, is his make-or-break year.


The offense, it's all about Fred now. I'm not really a praying kind of guy, but every Saturday night, I hope that Fred doesn't get injured. Mark, well, he had a great career, and was/is Jacksonville football. I'm really excited about Leftwich, saw him when he was part of the Herd and really showed promise. QB in the Culpepper mold. If there is a long and successful future ahead for its franchise, then it definetly should not overlook Brunell and his contribution to Jacksonville football. I got the Sunday Ticket just so I could watch them.

Thats enough for now, there is alot of Football talk, be it College or Pro, in the Other Sports forum if your interested, OP.

[655321]

Originally posted by The Double
Lived in Jax for a summer with a friend, liked it, but wasn't crazy about it. I try to make it down every year at least twice to see games at Alltell.


Sadly, the highlight of the season was having Del Rio's nephew level that idiot during training camp. We should be 1-0 after the game against Carolina, but alas, it was not meant to be. I didn't want to be in this position, going 0-1 against the Bills who look good right now. The defense, having Hugh around is great to boost the team, as he is a locker room presence. But Fernando Bryant has got to start pulling his weight. This, in my opinion, is his make-or-break year.


The offense, it's all about Fred now. I'm not really a praying kind of guy, but every Saturday night, I hope that Fred doesn't get injured. Mark, well, he had a great career, and was/is Jacksonville football. I'm really excited about Leftwich, saw him when he was part of the Herd and really showed promise. QB in the Culpepper mold. If there is a long and successful future ahead for its franchise, then it definetly should not overlook Brunell and his contribution to Jacksonville football. I got the Sunday Ticket just so I could watch them.

Thats enough for now, there is alot of Football talk, be it College or Pro, in the Other Sports forum if your interested, OP.


Did I miss something?

[OPArsenal]

Check my fake sig out. Then you'll know. By the way, Double, I kinda figured that that kind of talk would be there. :D

Rien mais le Treble!

OPArsenal

[soccerchick584]

Originally posted by Motterman
Health experts last night expressed concerns for the welfare of the world famous magician whose latest record breaking stunt continues to arouse controversy.

Leicester born Emile Heskey is attempting to spend a marathon 44 days in a penalty box - without scoring a goal.

Friends and supporters say so far he's making excellent progress. And that's despite the many members of the public who've turned out to taunt him by waving footballs and empty nets.

But fears remain for the psychological effects of long-term goal deprivation.

"Over weeks and months it can lead to abuse, frustration and even delusions of grandeur," a psychiatrist told us last night. "Just look at Andy Cole."

Onlookers have also expressed alarm and bewilderment.

"He's just nuts," said one spectator. "We thought Teddy Sheringham was foolhardy when he tried never to score in England internationals - but this guy's taking it too far."

Heskey's latest endeavour is just the latest in a series of outrageous illusions by the 25 year old entertainer.

For the past four years he's attempted to pass himself off as a high-class professional striker - successfully convincing football experts including England boss Sven Goran Eriksson, despite the skepticism of supporters.

The occasional project has ended in failure, with an abortive attempt last year to spend 35 hours standing on a penalty spot in Manhattan without falling over.

His rise to fame has encouraged other leading footballing figures to dip their toes in the world of magic.

In August Harry Kewell successfully emulated his namesake Houdini when he performed a breathtaking escape from a bank vault at Leeds United to join Liverpool.

He'd in turn been inspired by the sensational feat performed by his former chairman Peter Ridsdale, who wowed the world by miraculously transforming £70 million transfer fees into no trophies and a flirt with relegation.

Meanwhile Liverpool manager Gerard Houllier stunned scientists last year with his revival of the ancient art of reverse alchemy - his secret chemical formula turning a Champions League spot into UEFA Cup football.

And mysterious events continue at Stamford Bridge where Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has already turned Juan Sebastian Veron and Peter Kenyon from red to blue.

He's now reportedly attempting to prove that - by simply adding £110 million - he can turn the club from Premiership also-rans to, erm, Premiership also-rans.
I love it! Very funny! Made me giggle!

[jumhed]

The classic England theme tune 'World In Motion' by New Order is going to be re-released for Euro 2004 providing England qualify. Heskey has been pencilled in to do John Barnes's rap with his own lyrics;

"My name is Emile Heskey,
and when I do my thing,
the crowd says 'Get up you diving bastarrd'

[giggs88]

well. he has finally scored!!!

[Mon Dieu]

that proves miricles do happen

[Clan]

Originally posted by giggs88
well. he has finally scored!!!

This is actually fantastic news for the rest of us.

You see, now that he has scored (at lonnnnggggg last) Houlier will feel that he has somehow been vindicated and will continue to leave him in the starting line-up...thus ensuring that we really only have to face one striker when we play them again :p

[OPArsenal]

After giving it much thought (10 seconds worth), I must say that Tottenham sucks.

_____________
This is a bit like lihting a cigarette with a cruise missile...

[billyireland]

Originally posted by OPArsenal
After giving it much thought (10 seconds worth), I must say that Tottenham sucks.

_____________
This is a bit like lihting a cigarette with a cruise missile... That's pathetic

[OPArsenal]

Originally posted by billyireland
That's pathetic That's why I said "This is a bit like lighting a cigarette with a cruise missile..." It was bland, uninspired, and too easy. Therefore I included that disclaimer.

[giggs88]

ARE YOU EMILE HESKEY??????



































1. You are through on goal with only the keeper and a defender left to beat. The last defender is only 5'3" and seven stone. What happens next?

a) You round him easily and take the keeper on one-to-one, then calmly chip the ball over his head into the empty net.
b) Take the defender on for speed and skin him, then round the keeper and walk the ball confidently into the goal.
c) The defender accidentally blows on you as he gets within three yards...and you fall over, flat on your great big fat hairy arse. Then it's both arms up and face pulled in the hope that the ref will give you the most unlikely penalty ever awarded.
2. Would you describe yourself as a prolific goalscorer?

a) Yes.
b) No, but you have scored more than your fair share in your career.
c) Would you *#*#*#*#. If you're a prolific goalscorer then Mandy Smith's a beached whale.

3. You are walking down the street one day when a bird shits on you from overhead. How do you react to this?

a) Smile and see the funny side of it.
b) Wipe it off gingerly and look to the skies in disgust.
c) Fall over on the spot as though you've just been snipered through the head with a hunting rifle. Then roll over and demand that the bird be sent off.

4. How quickly can you run the 100 metres?

a) Very quickly, with a best time of 10.3 seconds.
b) Quite fast, though you can only manage it in just over 11 seconds.
c) "Run"? What the *#*#*#*# is that? You mean waddle along like a big fat sack of *#*#*#*# on a skateboard....?

5. During a match, a high ball is crossed to you in the penalty area. How do you head the ball?

a) With extreme power and accuracy.
b) Quite powerfully and with some degree of accuracy, though heading has never been your strongest point.
c) With your arse...because you've been upended again by some three-foot dwarf defender from Watford.

6. A long ball is played up to you from defence. It's a fair distance ahead of you, so what do you do?

a) Get your head down and set off at full pace, reaching it just before it goes out of play for a goal-kick.
b) Try to make it to the ball, because the cause is never lost. It's always worth making the effort.
c) Nothing. Just stand there like a great big fat soft-arsed twat.

7. During a match you are involved in a bruising challenge with a smaller player from the opposition. Which of these is the most likely outcome?

a) The player bounces off your huge frame and knocks himself out, has to leave the field and is out through injury for several weeks.
b) The opposing player is slightly shaken, though not badly hurt, and from then on he makes sure he doesn't do it again.
c) You are incongruously bounced fifty feet in the air and land in Row Z, where you suffer a broken face, three dislocated teeth, a pulled bank balance and an ego-strain.

8. Your nickname at your former club was "Bruno". Why was this?

a) Because Bruno is such a macho sounding name and goes with your hulking appearance.
b) Because your aggressive approach reminds you of the old St Bernard dog off the St Bruno adverts - big, strong, relentless and tough as old boots.
c) Because of the boxer, Frank Bruno, and the fact that he was useless twat who kept falling flat on his arse for no reason as well.

9. What has been the biggest effect since your transfer to your new club?

a) The higher profile and the greater expectations of the fans.
b) Just the fact that you are playing for one of most famous clubs in history.
c) Earthquakes in the Merseyside area have increased by 3,000% because of your great big fat arse hitting the deck so many times. Much more of it and they'll be pulling the stands down due to foundation damage.

10. What do you look like in a Liverpool football shirt?

a) Majestic, like you were born to wear it.
b) Ordinary, but once you get on that pitch there's no stopping you as you give your all for the cause.
c) Like a giant turd that's been left out in the sun too long. And you're about as mobile as well.

ANSWERS:

Mainly a: You're not Emile Heskey.
Mainly b: Neither are you.
Mainly c: Well done, Emile, and welcome to Liverpool Football Club. It's a good job Scousers are as thick as *#*#*#*# because nobody else would fall for that gag.