Ditties

[norwaytips]

As it's quiet, I thought I'd stick a couple of silly ditties down. If you have any good ones (cue stomper) write 'em down.

Once there lived a vet in Sudbury
He was Suffolk's favourite vet
He crossed a tiger wiith a budgie
and won a lot of heavy bets
Now this wonderful creation
soon became his pride and joy
Til one day it bit his head off
and said who's a cheeky boy

A little termite found some wood
He tasted it: it tasted good.
So that explains why auntie May
fell through the floorboards yesterday:confused:

[Footstomper]

All hail Sir Thomas Crapper, who well deserves his fame
Let our sphincters fart a fanfare to the glory of his name
For he flushed away the pieces of the faeces of our species
And washed the foul bacteria down a dark and gloomy drain

Watch out William McGonagal! :)

[norwaytips]

Thanks for that Stomper. I had a feeling that Claret would have a few too, but.........:confused:

[claret50]

There once was a teacher from Ilford,
who's friend played football for Melford,
they both play guitars, and smoke fat cigars,
and their club is just south of Woodford.

Ok, I'll get me coat!:o

[hammermolder]

I wish i was a diamond ring upon my lovers hand,then every time she wiped her arse,i'd see the promise land (sorry):eek:

[Footstomper]

Has our verse finally reached the bottom?



(sorry)

[norwaytips]

When my daughters were very small, they asked me if ghosts existed. I wrote them this ditty about the village, Bures, in which we lived. They have all taught it to their kids and my eldest grand daughter recited it at school. She came home this week and said that the school wanted to perform it as a mini play and wanted to know who wrote it. She was chuffed when she heard that it was her Grandpa. He he, so was I.:o I'm a STAR

THE GHOST OF BURES

As evening darkens into night
and mist lies softly on the ground.
There happens in Bures the strangest sight:
that is if there's no one around

A ghost walks with his heavy load;
his head it swings, held by the hair.
Comes swaggering down the Nayland road,
but only if there's no one there.

His chains they drag,his moans are long,
as round the village church he bounds.
Then one quick spirit in the Swan,
that is if there's no one around.

From there he walks up Cuckoo hill,
then right down Water lane doth bear,
peeps in o'er darkened window sills
but only if there's no one there.

The cats and dogs; in fear and fright:
lay quiet and still, with prickled hair,
as eerie noise split the night,
but only if there's no one there.

With morning sun, the mist doth fade:
the ghost rides out on frosted air.
But there's no talk of the walk he made
for he only walks when there's no one there.

[Footstomper]

Oh very good, but if this turns into poetry corner, I promise I'll bore the pants off the lot of you

[norwaytips]

Come on then. Oh, by the way, I am never bored with decent writing. :cool:

[Footstomper]

My point exactly

[Footstomper]

I warned you not to get me started. This is a piece of doggeral I made up to entertain my son walking past his school one night when he was about 6

The Night School

That there is my school Daddy
Thought the doors are all closed for the night
But why are the lights still shining
When the children have gone? It’s not right!

That there’s the night school Billy
You wouldn’t believe what goes on inside
And you know it would scare you right silly
If you knew what happened at night.

Being scary doesn’t come easy
To every bogeyman, ghostie, or ghoul
So at night when you children are sleeping
The monsters take over your school.

Miss Cynthia Suckit and Spewitt
(Deceased and sadly insane)
Holds a wall up while Ghosties walk through it,
And learn how to rattle their chains.

And teaching the owls to be scary
Is warty old Mr. Creech
To whit and to whoo
Are against all the rules
For it’s here that they learn how to screech.

And in the grotty gymnasium
Where daily you hang up your coat
Vampire bats with a frown,
Hanging upside down
Learn to go for the throat.

And behind every door of each classroom
Under the tutelage of Sniveling Sam
The rooms are not empty
Because behind every
Door lurks a foul Bogeyman

So stay away from the school in the evening
When the sun has gone down to its bed
Don’t pay heed to the screaming or squealing
Or you might just well end up dead.

Yes that there is your school Billy
Though you’d best stay away from it now
When the shivering moon is still shining
Coz’ I don’t think you’d ever get out

[lesliemoss]

There was a young bard from Japan
Who wrote verses that no-one could scan
When told it was so
he replied:'Yes, I know,
But I always try to get as many words in as I possibly can!'

[norwaytips]

I liked that Stomper. Someone else that writes Rupert bear rhymes.:cool:

[blainehammer]

There was a young girl named Mariah
Who succumbed to her lover's desire
She said , It's a sin.
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher.


(I'll get me coat)

[blainehammer]

There was a young plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea
She said, "stop your plumbing
There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

[blainehammer]

This reminds me of the Fawlty Towers, German one, when the German said to Basil, "You started it"
Basil said, "Well, you invaded Poland".

[norwaytips]

There was a young man from Tralee
who was stung on the neck by a wasp
when asked if it hurt
'he said 'no not much-
it can do it again if it likes.

I think that was Edward Lear

[hammermolder]

There was a young man from Tralee
who was stung on the neck by a wasp
when asked if it hurt
'he said 'no not much-
it can do it again if it likes.

I think that was Edward Lear
???

[Footstomper]

There was a young man from Tralee
who was stung on the neck by a wasp
when asked if it hurt
'he said 'no not much-
it can do it again if it likes.

I think that was Edward Lear

I think it was. Milligan did some classics too. I'm trying to remember one I knocked off about a frenchwoman and a credit card. Its around here somewhere....

[Footstomper]

Mrs Blighty in her nightie
Walking in the dark
Trod upon a puppy dogs tail
And made the creature bark
Mrs Blighty in her nightie
Let the creature go
By raising up her instep
And lifting her big toe

Milligan (Spike)