Favourite stand up comic routine/stories

[frasermc]

being scottish i'll start it off with billy connolly's story of the crucifixion. no video for it.

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it's in two parts.

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and from a big favourite of mine, here's eddie izzard covered in bees...

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[pething101]

Larry Miller did a bit a long time ago about the five (?) stages of drinking all night in a bar. It was quite hysterical.

LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".


LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".


LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well.... STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool.


LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

[spejic]

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A young Mitch Hedburg. Not that there was an old Mitch Hedburg. Which sucks.

[Crimson Ace]

As a drummer, I've always loved this bit...

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[TheSlipperyOne]

Bill Hicks and Mitch Hedberg

[CHICO13]

http://www.cinecultist.com/archives/richard-pryor.jpg

You ever be fckin' and some air get in the pu$$y?

[JeremyEritrea]

http://g-ec2.images-amazon.com/images/G/01/ciu/50/47/4796228348a071c5a39c1110.L.jpg

[JMichaels]

Steven Wright and his entire show of short one-liners that make you laugh non-stop for 60 minutes. His monotone voice and his pacing back and forth across the stage is all you need.

I spilled some spot-remover on my dog, and now I can't find him.

[Crimson Ace]

Steven Wright... I spilled some spot-remover on my dog, and now I can't find him.
I've been getting into Astronomy so I installed a sky light... the people who live above me are furious.

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I could drop Wright one-liners all day! :D

[Dr. Know]

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Carlin on the 10 commandments.

[frasermc]

I could drop Wright one-liners all day! :D

Carlin on the 10 commandments.

two totally different stand up styles.

both equally hilarious.

thanks for posting them.

[Crimson Ace]

Seriously, I love stand-up. I could look up these bits all day.

In the spirit of trying to find totally polar brands of stand-up, I give you Bill Cosby.

My dad's a Dentist... this has always been a family favorite. "Fire!"

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[Crimson Ace]

Steve Martin as...

The Great Flydini!

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[frasermc]

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frankie boyle.

one of scotlands best current comedians. a regular on a show called mock the week, which is an absolute blast of a show.

[Sapphire]

Chapelle on the ghetto. I really think the whole Killing Them Softly set is suberb.

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[frasermc]

My dad's a Dentist... this has always been a family favorite. "Fire!"

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brilliant. ROFL :D

i just know i'll suffer for it the next time i'm in the dentist's chair and i can't get a big stupid smile off my face.

[Soccernova78]

Eddie Murphy doing James Brown (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7kP35jI7Go&mode=related&search=) :D

[frasermc]

Chapelle on the ghetto. I really think the whole Killing Them Softly set is suberb.

another quality clip.

cheers :)

[frasermc]

Eddie Murphy doing James Brown (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7kP35jI7Go&mode=related&search=) :D

i was watching trading places the other night on TV and it reminds you of how good eddie used to be before all the nutty professor s**t.

[frasermc]

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the hilarious jack dee talking about computers.