Mr. Warmth
04 Jul 2007, 04:04 PM
Oh how I love the 4th of July! A lazy day spent sucking back barley pops, a couple hours on a jetski, drunk, driving home, drunk, lighting off a few hundred dollars worth of fireworks, drunk and then gathering around a makeshift campfire in the front yard and regaling the children with tales of 4ths of July long past and tossing beer cans in the street for the teenagers to run over on 4 wheelers, drunk. They especially enjoyed our 4th of July eve tradition of firing off blank shotshells and watching their into the air last night in expectation of George Washington filling their backpacks with fireworks, beer and money.
But the best part of the 4th of July is when Abraham Lincoln rises from his grave to slay eurosnobs, klansmen and the Tree Stump People with his lightsaber. Especially the Tree Stump People. They're a horrible lot. The wander up and down country roads moaning and wailing and taking the cows off their schedules and they kidnap lumberjacks to sacrifice to their Tree Stump God, Otuk the Many Limbed One. Lincoln battles his way through the howling Tree Stump warriors until he faces Otuk, who hates Lincoln for building his log cabin out his Otuk's mother. Just as Otuk's vengeance is about to overcome Lincoln, Paul Bunyan cuts a swath through the howling stumps with his ax and blue ox, Babe and buries his ax in the trunk of the Otuk, slaying the giant tree stump, spilling his hateful sap everywhere.
Now, to start off, I think that most of American Soccer Fans that aren't retarded are just about fed up with the retarded ones whining about the team we took to the Copa America and bellyaching that we shouldn't have even accepted the invitation if that's the team we were going to send.
JUST SHUT THE HELL UP
For the love of God, Jesus, JHVH, Buddha, Allah, Reason and Apache Chief, just shut the hell up. Me personally, I'd much rather blood our younger players against South American powerhouse with something on the line for them than playing against a bunch of hacks from Guatemala, El Salvador and Trinidad & Tabago for the umpteenth freakin' time. If I recall correctly, it was most of you all who bitched and moaned for turning down the invitation for the last three or four times. The only thing that Bob Bradley should be faulted for is bringing a decrepit Kasey Keller who hasn't performed big since qualifying for 2006 and Taylor Twellman who has never done what forwards are supposed to do, score goals or make the other players around them better at scoring goals. He doesn't do that.
I can understand the inclusion of Keller with all of his experience in helping various teams in various leagues be mediocre, and did shut out Brazil eight or nine years ago, but he's hardly provided the quality and experience that Brad Friedel provided for the Sydney Olympic team. Thanks for the memories, Kasey, but you provided nothing during the Gold Cup that Howard couldn't provide and nothing in Copa America that Matt Ries or Kevin Hartman couldn't have provided backing up El Guzano.
And I guess I should apologize to Ben Olsen for my old Big Soccer post fantasizing about him being turned into Steven Hawking by a crushing tackle. Ben has provided leadership and tenacious play that contributed to frustrating both Argentina and Paraguay. God job, Ben, you pile of DC crap.
I haven't bothered to figure out if we're mathematically still alive, though I'm sure it would take a 5-0 win against someone, combined with our score against Colombia multiplied by the phase of the moon divided by Thursday, so I'll let the math geeks let me know on that one.
Rongen, you magnificent bastard!
US 6 - 1 Poland
Zizzo was the Stuka and Adu was the bomb as the US blitzkrieged the Poland U-20s, unloading 6 unanswered goals after surrendering an early goal. I guess the Polish team WAS suffering the lingering effects of the hooker and blow party as Freddy hatted the Poles and Danny Szetela (did you know his parents are Polish?) bagged two (and taunted the Polish bench by kissing the badge his jersey. He must have got some nasty IM's saying "Szetela" was Polish for Benedict Arnold) goals with Altidore bagging the Mother of All Sitters. Hopefully we won't suffer the same hangover that the Poles obviously did after beating Brazil.
MLS Week 14 – All American Action
Sadly, my mother in law’s neighbor didn’t leave her wireless internet active, otherwise this would have beat out the DC/KC Game. We’ll just pretend I picked DC to win with some dirty Brazilian to score.
Wednesday:
Chivas 1 – 1 Dallas: Chivas sucks on the road and will probably find a way to lose, but Dallas needs a double shot of Levitra to score at this point.
Columbus 2 – 1 Colorado: Columbus look like they’re threatening to pull themselves out of the basement and Colorado just got done helping Chicago paint the masterpiece of horrible soccer.
Toronto 0 – 2 RSL: Toronto might have the sack to scrap out a draw, but somehow they’ll blow it as RSL is riding on the strength of Kreis’ first career coaching victory.
Chicago 2 – 0 LA: So LA has Landon back? So what, they were sucking before he left and somehow the Fire will manage to show Joe Bazooka for the fraud he is. Cannon must be on the Kasey Keller career track.
Thursday:
RedBull 1 – 3 Dynamo: NATE. JAQUA. HAT. TRICK. You heard it here first!
Saturday:
RSL 0 – 2 Columbus: Two games is all you get, Jason. The wheels come off the wagon in Cowtown.
Chivas 1 – 0 New England: New England will be slumping until about week 20, where they’ll storm back to third in the Eastern Conference, only to be eliminated by RedBulls.
Toronto 1 – 3 Chicago: The Fire will be renamed Denny Hamlett’s Flying Circus after all 3 goals are scored from headers as Chicago gets revenge against the People’s Republic of Canada.
KC 2 – 1 LA: The Horror… The Horror… The Horror… The Horror…
Redbulls 3 – 0 Colorado: Clavijo gets canned on Monday morning.
DC 3 – 3 Dynamo Houston: A goal fiesta between the Brazilians of DC and Nate Jaqua.
MM10S
Oh, and to pad my readership: ShakiraFest!!
http://harvey.harker.org/u/harker/nicholasr/assignments/shakira32.jpg
http://www.shakiraweb.nl/blog/wp-content/uploads/2006/11/shakira_gets_statue_barranquilla.jpg
http://www.poster.net/shakira/shakira-photo-xxl-shakira-6226006.jpg
Take those fireworks, matt!
But the best part of the 4th of July is when Abraham Lincoln rises from his grave to slay eurosnobs, klansmen and the Tree Stump People with his lightsaber. Especially the Tree Stump People. They're a horrible lot. The wander up and down country roads moaning and wailing and taking the cows off their schedules and they kidnap lumberjacks to sacrifice to their Tree Stump God, Otuk the Many Limbed One. Lincoln battles his way through the howling Tree Stump warriors until he faces Otuk, who hates Lincoln for building his log cabin out his Otuk's mother. Just as Otuk's vengeance is about to overcome Lincoln, Paul Bunyan cuts a swath through the howling stumps with his ax and blue ox, Babe and buries his ax in the trunk of the Otuk, slaying the giant tree stump, spilling his hateful sap everywhere.
Now, to start off, I think that most of American Soccer Fans that aren't retarded are just about fed up with the retarded ones whining about the team we took to the Copa America and bellyaching that we shouldn't have even accepted the invitation if that's the team we were going to send.
JUST SHUT THE HELL UP
For the love of God, Jesus, JHVH, Buddha, Allah, Reason and Apache Chief, just shut the hell up. Me personally, I'd much rather blood our younger players against South American powerhouse with something on the line for them than playing against a bunch of hacks from Guatemala, El Salvador and Trinidad & Tabago for the umpteenth freakin' time. If I recall correctly, it was most of you all who bitched and moaned for turning down the invitation for the last three or four times. The only thing that Bob Bradley should be faulted for is bringing a decrepit Kasey Keller who hasn't performed big since qualifying for 2006 and Taylor Twellman who has never done what forwards are supposed to do, score goals or make the other players around them better at scoring goals. He doesn't do that.
I can understand the inclusion of Keller with all of his experience in helping various teams in various leagues be mediocre, and did shut out Brazil eight or nine years ago, but he's hardly provided the quality and experience that Brad Friedel provided for the Sydney Olympic team. Thanks for the memories, Kasey, but you provided nothing during the Gold Cup that Howard couldn't provide and nothing in Copa America that Matt Ries or Kevin Hartman couldn't have provided backing up El Guzano.
And I guess I should apologize to Ben Olsen for my old Big Soccer post fantasizing about him being turned into Steven Hawking by a crushing tackle. Ben has provided leadership and tenacious play that contributed to frustrating both Argentina and Paraguay. God job, Ben, you pile of DC crap.
I haven't bothered to figure out if we're mathematically still alive, though I'm sure it would take a 5-0 win against someone, combined with our score against Colombia multiplied by the phase of the moon divided by Thursday, so I'll let the math geeks let me know on that one.
Rongen, you magnificent bastard!
US 6 - 1 Poland
Zizzo was the Stuka and Adu was the bomb as the US blitzkrieged the Poland U-20s, unloading 6 unanswered goals after surrendering an early goal. I guess the Polish team WAS suffering the lingering effects of the hooker and blow party as Freddy hatted the Poles and Danny Szetela (did you know his parents are Polish?) bagged two (and taunted the Polish bench by kissing the badge his jersey. He must have got some nasty IM's saying "Szetela" was Polish for Benedict Arnold) goals with Altidore bagging the Mother of All Sitters. Hopefully we won't suffer the same hangover that the Poles obviously did after beating Brazil.
MLS Week 14 – All American Action
Sadly, my mother in law’s neighbor didn’t leave her wireless internet active, otherwise this would have beat out the DC/KC Game. We’ll just pretend I picked DC to win with some dirty Brazilian to score.
Wednesday:
Chivas 1 – 1 Dallas: Chivas sucks on the road and will probably find a way to lose, but Dallas needs a double shot of Levitra to score at this point.
Columbus 2 – 1 Colorado: Columbus look like they’re threatening to pull themselves out of the basement and Colorado just got done helping Chicago paint the masterpiece of horrible soccer.
Toronto 0 – 2 RSL: Toronto might have the sack to scrap out a draw, but somehow they’ll blow it as RSL is riding on the strength of Kreis’ first career coaching victory.
Chicago 2 – 0 LA: So LA has Landon back? So what, they were sucking before he left and somehow the Fire will manage to show Joe Bazooka for the fraud he is. Cannon must be on the Kasey Keller career track.
Thursday:
RedBull 1 – 3 Dynamo: NATE. JAQUA. HAT. TRICK. You heard it here first!
Saturday:
RSL 0 – 2 Columbus: Two games is all you get, Jason. The wheels come off the wagon in Cowtown.
Chivas 1 – 0 New England: New England will be slumping until about week 20, where they’ll storm back to third in the Eastern Conference, only to be eliminated by RedBulls.
Toronto 1 – 3 Chicago: The Fire will be renamed Denny Hamlett’s Flying Circus after all 3 goals are scored from headers as Chicago gets revenge against the People’s Republic of Canada.
KC 2 – 1 LA: The Horror… The Horror… The Horror… The Horror…
Redbulls 3 – 0 Colorado: Clavijo gets canned on Monday morning.
DC 3 – 3 Dynamo Houston: A goal fiesta between the Brazilians of DC and Nate Jaqua.
MM10S
Oh, and to pad my readership: ShakiraFest!!
http://harvey.harker.org/u/harker/nicholasr/assignments/shakira32.jpg
http://www.shakiraweb.nl/blog/wp-content/uploads/2006/11/shakira_gets_statue_barranquilla.jpg
http://www.poster.net/shakira/shakira-photo-xxl-shakira-6226006.jpg
Take those fireworks, matt!