sheffsteel
16 May 2007, 07:49 PM
An unfunny farce in Five Acts
ACT I
Kia Joorabchian – Hello West Ham. I’d like to buy your football club please.
West Ham – So would a lot of people, we’re getting offers all the time. What makes you so special?
KJ – Well, I do just happen to own a couple of world-class players that I could put your way.
WH – Really? That does sound very intriguing. How much would you want for them?
KJ – That’s the exciting part. They won’t cost you a single penny.
WH – Really!? Well I never. World class, you say? Surely there must be a catch.
KJ – No catch. The only thing is that if you don’t sell the club to me, I will obviously still own the players and can sell them on again whenever I want.
WH – Ah. Now that might be a problem. It’s against the rules of the Premier League you see. Even if they somehow agreed to it, there would be all sorts of paperwork to sort out. It could take weeks and the transfer deadline closes in a few hours.
KJ – I won’t tell them if you don’t. It could be our little secret.
WH – Hmmm. I don’t know. It all sounds very shady to me.
KJ – Remember that goal Argentina scored against Serbia in the World Cup? That was two of my boys. Imagine them playing for West Ham. Imagine what you might achieve. Imagine you being the men who made it happen.
WH – Ok, Ok, where do we sign?
ACT II
Premier League – See here West Ham. There’s a lot of talk in the media about your signing of these two Argie fellas. The ones who are owned by that foreign chap, don’t you know?
WH – Yes indeed, we’ve been expecting your visit. I’ve checked all the rules very thoroughly and as you know there’s no problem with a third party owning our players.
PL – No, fair enough there isn’t. But the papers are all saying that their owner can sell them on again whenever he wants and against your wishes. Now that is most definitely against our rules. It’s just not on old boy.
WH – Dear, dear. Is that what the papers are saying?
PL – Are you saying it’s not true?
WH – Would you like a cup of coffee? Milk? Sugar? Chocolate hobnob?.... Now, where were we?
PL – The contract with the foreign chappy. Is it all above board?
WH – We’ve sent you the contract. It doesn’t say anything about them being able to sell the players does it?
PL – No it doesn’t. So you’re assuring me that you’ve nothing else you’ve ommitted to tell us.
WH – My, just look at those clouds now. They reckon there’s snow on the way. The gritters will be out in force soon I expect..
PL – West Ham. Why are you avoiding my questions? Is there anything you haven’t told us about this transfer deal.
WH – No Premier League. No there isn’t.
ACT III
Eggert Magnusson – Hello Premier League. I’m the new owner of West Ham and I’m afraid we’ve discovered a couple of tiny discrepancies in the transfer dealings of the previous owners.
PL – Damnnation. I bet it’s those blessed Argies isn’t it.
EM – I’m afraid it is PL. As I say those crazy, wacky fools that I bought the club from seem to have entered into some zany third-party agreement. I thought I’d just better let you know, so that you can bring your records up to date. So anyway, if that’s all I’ll be off now..
PL – Wait a minute. It won’t be quite that simple I’m afraid. There has been a serious breach of the rules here and a full investigation must be undertaken at once. We’ll get our top people on it immediately and I assure you we’ll be treating this as a matter of the greatest urgency.
Act IV (Four months later)
PL – So West Ham. You’ve finally admitted your guilty. If you’d done that originally, you could have saved us all a lot of time and effort and we could have resolved this whole situation months ago.
WH – Yes we knew that Premier League. Sorry Premier League.
PL – These offences are some of the most serious we’ve ever encountered you know. First you broke the rules, then you evaded our questions, then you lied through your teeth to cover it all up. In the past we’ve always deducted points in these situations and we’re inclined to do the same again. Unless that is. you’ve got a very good reason why we shouldn’t. Well, what have you got to say for yourselves?
WH – It was the previous owners, we didn’t have anything to do with it.
PL – That makes no difference to us, it’s the club who are in the dock. The club have benefitted from breaking the rules and that’s not fair on our other member clubs. Besides one of the chaps behind all this still works for you!
WH – It’s nearly the end of the season. If you deduct us points now we’ll be relegated for sure.
PL – Only because you finally changed your plea to guilty at the eleventh hour. If we could have sorted this out in February you would have had points deducted, make no mistake about that. I don’t see why the timing of this hearing or your league position should have any effect on it’s outcome.
WH – It’s not fair on our players and fans. They haven’t done anything wrong.
PL – Yes, that is unfortunate. But again it’s never been a consideration when we’ve punished teams in the past. If we don’t punish your club then another club’s players and fans will suffer instead and it certainly wouldn’t be fair on them. Is there anything else before we pass sentence?
WH – No wait! Please! Look, we’re West Ham. The Academy of science. We’re forever blowing bubbles. Trevor Brooking..Alf Garnett….Silly old moo…Bobby Moore, Martin Peters, Geoff Hurst. They think it’s all over…It is now…Eee ay aydio..We won England the World Cup…You can’t do this to us..we’re West Ham!
PL – Ah yes. Hmmm. I do see what you mean now. Who are the other clubs down there again? Wigan, Watford, Sheffield United. Yes, you do make a most compelling case. I’ll tell you what we’ll do. We’ll fine you £5.5M instead of deducting points. You won’t miss that if you stay in The Premiership and if you do go down then you can always appeal against the severity of the fine.
WH – Thank you very much Premier League. That would be most agreeable. There is one other small matter. We’re probably going to need the boy Tevez playing for us if we’re going to stay up and pay the full fine.
PL – Absolutely out of the question. He’s still owned by that foreign chappy. He can still sell him whenever he wants, without your permission. It’s against our rules!! Haven’t you learned anything!?
WH – What if we give you a copy of a fax saying that we’re cancelling our agreement?
PL – Will that be legally binding? Won’t the other chap have to agree to it? Who will decide whether the player is sold or not? Who will get the money when he is sold?
WH – Why don’t you let us worry about that Premier League? Coffee? Tea? Custard cream?
Act V
PL – Now look here West Ham. This really is the absolute limit. You’re making us look a complete bunch of blundering fools. What the hell is going on?
WH – What is it PL? Whatever’s amiss?
PL – You know darn well what we’re talking about. This Tevez chap has been sold to Real Madrid for £30M and the papers are all saying that you won’t see a penny of it. He saved you from relegation. He’s got a three year contract. Why on earth would you sell him?
WH – We don’t need him now. We’re going to sign Darren Bent instead.
PL – Pull the other one West Ham. He’s your best player. This foreign chappy is behind all this isn’t he. Has he made you sell him? Is he taking the money?
WH – Oh no Premier League. We sent him a fax saying that he couldn’t do that. Don’t you remember?
PL – Well it all seems very fishy to me. I’ve got a good mind to launch another investigation.
WH – Look, there’s no need for all that. Why don’t we just make you out a cheque for the usual? £5.5M was it?
PL – Dash it all West Ham. You’re a rum bunch and no mistake. Look let’s just let sleeping dogs lie. Those Northern chappies are getting nowhere with their legal challenge. Let’s just count ourselves lucky we’ve got away with it. Keep your head down from now on West Ham, or next time you really will feel the full fury of The Premier League.
WH – Yes Premier League. Care for another brandy? Cheese straw anyone?
ACT I
Kia Joorabchian – Hello West Ham. I’d like to buy your football club please.
West Ham – So would a lot of people, we’re getting offers all the time. What makes you so special?
KJ – Well, I do just happen to own a couple of world-class players that I could put your way.
WH – Really? That does sound very intriguing. How much would you want for them?
KJ – That’s the exciting part. They won’t cost you a single penny.
WH – Really!? Well I never. World class, you say? Surely there must be a catch.
KJ – No catch. The only thing is that if you don’t sell the club to me, I will obviously still own the players and can sell them on again whenever I want.
WH – Ah. Now that might be a problem. It’s against the rules of the Premier League you see. Even if they somehow agreed to it, there would be all sorts of paperwork to sort out. It could take weeks and the transfer deadline closes in a few hours.
KJ – I won’t tell them if you don’t. It could be our little secret.
WH – Hmmm. I don’t know. It all sounds very shady to me.
KJ – Remember that goal Argentina scored against Serbia in the World Cup? That was two of my boys. Imagine them playing for West Ham. Imagine what you might achieve. Imagine you being the men who made it happen.
WH – Ok, Ok, where do we sign?
ACT II
Premier League – See here West Ham. There’s a lot of talk in the media about your signing of these two Argie fellas. The ones who are owned by that foreign chap, don’t you know?
WH – Yes indeed, we’ve been expecting your visit. I’ve checked all the rules very thoroughly and as you know there’s no problem with a third party owning our players.
PL – No, fair enough there isn’t. But the papers are all saying that their owner can sell them on again whenever he wants and against your wishes. Now that is most definitely against our rules. It’s just not on old boy.
WH – Dear, dear. Is that what the papers are saying?
PL – Are you saying it’s not true?
WH – Would you like a cup of coffee? Milk? Sugar? Chocolate hobnob?.... Now, where were we?
PL – The contract with the foreign chappy. Is it all above board?
WH – We’ve sent you the contract. It doesn’t say anything about them being able to sell the players does it?
PL – No it doesn’t. So you’re assuring me that you’ve nothing else you’ve ommitted to tell us.
WH – My, just look at those clouds now. They reckon there’s snow on the way. The gritters will be out in force soon I expect..
PL – West Ham. Why are you avoiding my questions? Is there anything you haven’t told us about this transfer deal.
WH – No Premier League. No there isn’t.
ACT III
Eggert Magnusson – Hello Premier League. I’m the new owner of West Ham and I’m afraid we’ve discovered a couple of tiny discrepancies in the transfer dealings of the previous owners.
PL – Damnnation. I bet it’s those blessed Argies isn’t it.
EM – I’m afraid it is PL. As I say those crazy, wacky fools that I bought the club from seem to have entered into some zany third-party agreement. I thought I’d just better let you know, so that you can bring your records up to date. So anyway, if that’s all I’ll be off now..
PL – Wait a minute. It won’t be quite that simple I’m afraid. There has been a serious breach of the rules here and a full investigation must be undertaken at once. We’ll get our top people on it immediately and I assure you we’ll be treating this as a matter of the greatest urgency.
Act IV (Four months later)
PL – So West Ham. You’ve finally admitted your guilty. If you’d done that originally, you could have saved us all a lot of time and effort and we could have resolved this whole situation months ago.
WH – Yes we knew that Premier League. Sorry Premier League.
PL – These offences are some of the most serious we’ve ever encountered you know. First you broke the rules, then you evaded our questions, then you lied through your teeth to cover it all up. In the past we’ve always deducted points in these situations and we’re inclined to do the same again. Unless that is. you’ve got a very good reason why we shouldn’t. Well, what have you got to say for yourselves?
WH – It was the previous owners, we didn’t have anything to do with it.
PL – That makes no difference to us, it’s the club who are in the dock. The club have benefitted from breaking the rules and that’s not fair on our other member clubs. Besides one of the chaps behind all this still works for you!
WH – It’s nearly the end of the season. If you deduct us points now we’ll be relegated for sure.
PL – Only because you finally changed your plea to guilty at the eleventh hour. If we could have sorted this out in February you would have had points deducted, make no mistake about that. I don’t see why the timing of this hearing or your league position should have any effect on it’s outcome.
WH – It’s not fair on our players and fans. They haven’t done anything wrong.
PL – Yes, that is unfortunate. But again it’s never been a consideration when we’ve punished teams in the past. If we don’t punish your club then another club’s players and fans will suffer instead and it certainly wouldn’t be fair on them. Is there anything else before we pass sentence?
WH – No wait! Please! Look, we’re West Ham. The Academy of science. We’re forever blowing bubbles. Trevor Brooking..Alf Garnett….Silly old moo…Bobby Moore, Martin Peters, Geoff Hurst. They think it’s all over…It is now…Eee ay aydio..We won England the World Cup…You can’t do this to us..we’re West Ham!
PL – Ah yes. Hmmm. I do see what you mean now. Who are the other clubs down there again? Wigan, Watford, Sheffield United. Yes, you do make a most compelling case. I’ll tell you what we’ll do. We’ll fine you £5.5M instead of deducting points. You won’t miss that if you stay in The Premiership and if you do go down then you can always appeal against the severity of the fine.
WH – Thank you very much Premier League. That would be most agreeable. There is one other small matter. We’re probably going to need the boy Tevez playing for us if we’re going to stay up and pay the full fine.
PL – Absolutely out of the question. He’s still owned by that foreign chappy. He can still sell him whenever he wants, without your permission. It’s against our rules!! Haven’t you learned anything!?
WH – What if we give you a copy of a fax saying that we’re cancelling our agreement?
PL – Will that be legally binding? Won’t the other chap have to agree to it? Who will decide whether the player is sold or not? Who will get the money when he is sold?
WH – Why don’t you let us worry about that Premier League? Coffee? Tea? Custard cream?
Act V
PL – Now look here West Ham. This really is the absolute limit. You’re making us look a complete bunch of blundering fools. What the hell is going on?
WH – What is it PL? Whatever’s amiss?
PL – You know darn well what we’re talking about. This Tevez chap has been sold to Real Madrid for £30M and the papers are all saying that you won’t see a penny of it. He saved you from relegation. He’s got a three year contract. Why on earth would you sell him?
WH – We don’t need him now. We’re going to sign Darren Bent instead.
PL – Pull the other one West Ham. He’s your best player. This foreign chappy is behind all this isn’t he. Has he made you sell him? Is he taking the money?
WH – Oh no Premier League. We sent him a fax saying that he couldn’t do that. Don’t you remember?
PL – Well it all seems very fishy to me. I’ve got a good mind to launch another investigation.
WH – Look, there’s no need for all that. Why don’t we just make you out a cheque for the usual? £5.5M was it?
PL – Dash it all West Ham. You’re a rum bunch and no mistake. Look let’s just let sleeping dogs lie. Those Northern chappies are getting nowhere with their legal challenge. Let’s just count ourselves lucky we’ve got away with it. Keep your head down from now on West Ham, or next time you really will feel the full fury of The Premier League.
WH – Yes Premier League. Care for another brandy? Cheese straw anyone?