I think my marriage is ending

[Ringo]

And I'm dying. I don't think she wants to save it and I'm feeling like an ass for wanting to. I don't even have the energy to get up in the morning. We're in counseling but she keeps making it clear what her intentions are. I don't think she's there to work on things but just to be able to say she tried (when her mind's already made up). And despite that, I love her. And that's what hurts.

Has anybody gone through this? How do you keep going? How do you find the strength not to give up, but to keep fighting? I don't want to give up, but yet part of me does. And I hate myself for that. I just don't know what to do.

[nsa]

Sorry to hear that. Don't give up on yourself.

Agree to disagree. Accept it. Move on. Show her what a nice guy she's losing (assuming you're a nice guy and I haven't seen any posts to indicate otherwise ;) ).

Any kids involved?


Not quite the same thing, since she never got married, but I've watched my daughter run roughshod over guys. (The death blow is usually shortly after I say he's a nice guy. :rolleyes: ) Silly me. I thought she'd settled down recently as she got older. To paraphrase Britney. she did it again. Some folks just aren't cut out for it.

[Lizzie Bee]

First of all, you're not an ass for trying to save a marriage.

Secondly, you're a prime candidate for clinical depression so watch out and take care of yourself.

Third, just do whatever you can so you don't have regrets later--whatever that means. You just want to be able to tell your kid(s) that you did everything you could...

Maybe that's bad advice, but I just wanted to be able to say something. Good luck...

[dfb547490]

Never been married and have nothing of value to add here, but good luck buddy. Hope everything works out for you.

[Ombak]

Secondly, you're a prime candidate for clinical depression so watch out and take care of yourself.That was my first thought - it's something to look into and don't simply look past it because you expect to feel bad or depressed during a time like this.

I've never been married, but I did finally go and do something about my depression right around the time I ended a relationship with someone who I cared very deeply about.

Had I not dealt with the depression separately, I'm not sure where I'd be today - the pain or hurt from splitting up is bad but it's not depression and you seem to have some symptoms of depression. Dealing with depression won't fix the pain of leaving someone, but it will help you to right yourself and to not let it become something worse. The risk I see is going into a downward spiral and not addressing it because you think it comes from the break-up exclusively, not from something else.

[russ]

Well,as a man who was seperated then divorced,and is now remarrying in May the person I should have waited for in the first place-I can say,there is hope,let yourself heal,don't get too crazy,and don't settle.

PM me for further details if you want.

[Ringo]

First of all, you're not an ass for trying to save a marriage.

Secondly, you're a prime candidate for clinical depression so watch out and take care of yourself.

Third, just do whatever you can so you don't have regrets later--whatever that means. You just want to be able to tell your kid(s) that you did everything you could...

Maybe that's bad advice, but I just wanted to be able to say something. Good luck...

of course it's not bad advice (you don't peddle bad advice in here, from what I can tell :))

I agree with what you said in the third part (and the first two, actually) but it's easier said than done. I just can't find the energy. she says she's not sure if she wants to save the marriage. I don't know if I have the strength to be the only one in there fighting, nor should I be expected to. she has to want it, too, or it just can't work.
part of me wants to give up, to stop being hurt. but I can't walk away. this means too much for me. I'm torn because I don't want to give up but I'm not sure if I'm able to fight. I want to fight for us. I just wish that I knew there was an 'us' to fight for.

[Ringo]

Accept it. Move on.

Any kids involved?



I can't.

and yes, a little guy. that's what hurts too. I don't want some judge to tell me I can't be there anymore when he wakes up. he's the best part of my life. i don't want to even think about custody because I don't want to ever have to go through with it. but mom's seem to do better in those than dad's.

[Matt in the Hat]

Take care of yourself. Exercise as much as possible. Feed your mind and your soul.

The absolute best to you. Love the hell out of that boy of yours.

[bungadiri]

I'm really sorry to hear it and I hope things change very much for the better soon.

The one piece of advice I have is that it might help if you start seeing a counselor on your own, too, whether you're actually depressed or not. Couples counseling is a good idea, but a couples counselor is limited in the amount of attention they can pay to one person or the other. It sounds like you might benefit from somebody who's going to pay attention specifically to you.

[Ringo]

I'm really sorry to hear it and I hope things change very much for the better soon.

The one piece of advice I have is that it might help if you start seeing a counselor on your own, too, whether you're actually depressed or not. Couples counseling is a good idea, but a couples counselor is limited in the amount of attention they can pay to one person or the other. It sounds like you might benefit from somebody who's going to pay attention specifically to you.


our counselor is seeing us separately this week. i think you're right.

[nsa]

... i don't want to even think about custody because I don't want to ever have to go through with it. but mom's seem to do better in those than dad's.Truly sad. I wish you the best. Letting the court decide is a crap shoot with the house using loaded dice.

Can an amicable separation be arranged? Don't block out that possibility.

[babytiger2001]

Truly sad. I wish you the best. Letting the court decide is a crap shoot with the house using loaded dice.

Can an amicable separation be arranged? Don't block out that possibility.
Absolutely, as long as there's a kid involved. Both you and your "other half" -- hey, no matter what happens, she's always going to be some sort of "other half" in the context of that kid -- will have a responsibility to look after that kid.

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, my friend. Meanwhile, I think that if you think "it's all for the best", it's best to make sure you salvage your friendship with her. Make sure you two can remain friends.

[Ringo]

Can an amicable separation be arranged? Don't block out that possibility.

I'm blocking out the possibility of a separation, amicable or not. I want to give up but I can't. I have to find someway to keep trying.

Meanwhile, I think that if you think "it's all for the best", it's best to make sure you salvage your friendship with her. Make sure you two can remain friends.

I don't want to salvage a friendship. I want to salvage a marriage.

First, let me apologize if I'm coming off as rude ... you can guess my mood about now. I appeciate the well-considered advice.

There's a lot of work to do, and it's gonna involve me making some big changes in who I am ... my very fiber. but it's worth it because I think the changes that I need to make to (hopefully) save this will also make me a better person, certainly a better husband. It will also make me a better father. Basically, as with many men, I need to learn to be a better listener, to not always have to be right. I can overpower my wife (not physically, I mean) without even trying. It's how I was raised. Fighting to be right in my house was like starving dogs fighting for the last scrap of food. She has things she needs to work on naturally. But I know what I can do. And it's scary, to be vulnerable like that ... to just sit and listen. I feel the need to defend myself like an uncontrollable reflex. Call it new-wave mumbo jumbo if you will, but exposing those feelings and accepting hers isn't easy. but it's gonna be a first step.

[Ismitje]

Well, shoot. I hoped this was in the spirit of our many lighthearted yet serious discussions on the board - hoped it was a lame attempt to be funny. I am sorry that it isn't and wish you the best.

Some of what you write in your last post is encouraging. If listening (and hearing) is a major issue, then you may be able to remain "essentially you" once you master that skill. What I mean is that few people are truly jerks who would treat a spouse inconsiderately. Hearing what the other person says - really hearing - might lead you to choose to act differently than you would have previously, but in a way consistent with who you are. Wow, that is confusing! Essentially, if you aren't naturally inclined to step on her feelings, then you'll choose to act differently when you understand.

My experience is that the place you're at is a tough one. When frustrations are at their peak, and people finally begin to express what is really bothering them, everything is a 10 on a 1-10 scale. Emotions are raw on both ends of the exchange. That's tough to get through. Figuring out how to get through this time is important. And if the Parenting & Family forum can help, glad we can be there for you.

[Twenty26Six]

There's a lot of work to do, and it's gonna involve me making some big changes in who I am ... my very fiber. but it's worth it because I think the changes that I need to make to (hopefully) save this will also make me a better person, certainly a better husband. It will also make me a better father. Basically, as with many men, I need to learn to be a better listener, to not always have to be right. I can overpower my wife (not physically, I mean) without even trying. It's how I was raised. Fighting to be right in my house was like starving dogs fighting for the last scrap of food. She has things she needs to work on naturally. But I know what I can do. And it's scary, to be vulnerable like that ... to just sit and listen. I feel the need to defend myself like an uncontrollable reflex. Call it new-wave mumbo jumbo if you will, but exposing those feelings and accepting hers isn't easy. but it's gonna be a first step.

I couldn't possibly try and say I know where you are coming from, but I've had a good share of relationship trouble.

I think the first thing to know, is that this stuff happens to every couple and you're not alone. That may not seem like a consolation, but it should be encouraging to know that working this out isn't the impossible task it may seem.

You don't seem to be a stubborn person and no doubt you have it in you to succeed in improving as a person. The only thing I would advise is to make sure that you are working to a better future and not struggling to stop natural change.

Be open and honest with your wife and [B]more importantly yourself. If you can wholeheartedly get past the initial shock, the overwhleming emotion and believe that it is worth saving... than make damn sure you do everything possible to save it.

But, ultimately, make sure that a reconstructed marriage isn't damaging to your child. A hostile marriage can be just as damaging as a painful divorce. Make sure, that your little one gets 100% attention and 110% parenting from you.

You may never be able to change, but your children will be different. Your qualities will live through them and their children for years to come. Set the best and most honest example you can.

Get in there and fight for it. :)

[johan neeskens]

And I'm dying. I don't think she wants to save it and I'm feeling like an ass for wanting to. I don't even have the energy to get up in the morning. We're in counseling but she keeps making it clear what her intentions are. I don't think she's there to work on things but just to be able to say she tried (when her mind's already made up). And despite that, I love her. And that's what hurts.


Have you told your wife these things? Tell her exactly how you feel and don't hold back. Her reaction will tell you what to do next.

[Ringo]

oh yeah, we've talked. there's nothing that's been said on here that she hasn't heard. there would be no suprises for her if she was reading this.

So, here's where I stand. We had our conseliing session on Tuesday and I don't know who else here has ever gone through something like that, but I feel very raw and exposed after it. It's taken me a day to calm down and gain perspective on what happened. After talking to people yesterday (and to be honest, the discussions on here have been very theraputic) I began to realize for the first time my responsibility. I was feeling like it was all her fault -- she changed, not me.
I laid everything out for her last night (in a letter because she was asleep when I got home. Neither of us have been sleeping, and since she was asleep I couldn't wake her). I felt like a fog was lifting, like I could see hope. I saw the tough road ahead, but I felt better to let it out. We talked this morning before she left for work (she works days, I work evenings which is great for taking care of the little man but is obviously one of the issues -- we don't see each other as much as we'd like). I think she knew I was sincere and was relieved to see me recognize some of her issues that I had been in denial about.

It's a step, but a step is important, too. It's still up to whether she feels the same way. She reacted posititively to what I had to say, but I could tell she needed time to take it all in.

Right now I think an important thing is to both want the same goal, to both of us know we CAN reach it. Because if we're in it together, I know we can do it.

And since it's been mentioned, I wanted to comment on the kid (bubba, as I call him). He's always been very loved and continues to be. When we're both around him, we're always happy (truly happy). We're all about the Bubba, and though I'm sure he can sense the tension (he's 2) we've both said we've made sure to remain positive around him. Positive about each other, about him, etc. We don't badmouth each other to him in other words.

Finally, thanks for letting me ramble on here. Sometimes just letting things out helps. It works to gaining a perspective on things. Seeing the words and people's kind responses does help. I would've never thought I'd be using this forum for something like this, but it's been nice to have (even if it's just been a couple days). So, thanks people!

:)

[Sachin]

You need to make her a mixtape. :)

[bigredfutbol]

Best of luck, man. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

The last post sounds promising. You've seen yourself clearly, you've expressed yourself to her.

And that fact that you're both happy when you're with the little guy is huge. You're not just trying to save a marriage, you're trying to keep a family together. The good news is--you both know it, at some level.

I've been through tough times with my wife. I've slept on the couch a few times, and once she kicked me out of the house for a week. I slept at a buddy's apartment and after a couple of days apart, we started having dinner together, for our son's sake. And after a couple of nights of that, I started sticking around after his bedtime to talk.

I thought it was all her. I was wrong. We'd been working different schedules for so long, and focused on our own things so long, we forgot about each other. I think we men sometimes get a little too comfortable in the routine of marriage. You stop really seeing your wife. Conversations become perfunctory. And so on. Until it hits you in the face.

Try and look past her seeming indifference or unwillingness to work on it. She's most likely been building up to this for a long time. It isn't easy for her; she may need to tell herself (and you) that she's made her mind up because she cannot bear the uncertainty anymore. And she probably didn't expect you to change or otherwise give her any reason to hope.

Now, it sounds as if you might. And that's a BIG ray of hope.

Best wishes. Stay strong. Take care of yourself. And give Bubba all the love he can handle.