Colm
15 Aug 2006, 08:02 AM
http://football.guardian.co.uk/season200607/0,,1840692,00.html someone linked this on another site. The Guardian lists each premiership clubs if they were a sweet, there's also other funny previews for each club if you just click on there link.
Arsenal
Lemon bonbon
A classic French concoction, popular precisely because they are goodgood. But there's a sweet-and-sour mix. On better days they're fizzing and leave you salivating for more, on other days you can be left dwelling on a bitter aftertaste. Critics point to a brittle nature but a European presence definitely on the rise.
Aston Villa
Walnut whip
A famous name that always seems to be in a whirl over something or other. In the past this classically shaped construction has been packed with a light, insubstantial froth but some are forecasting that things might just become a bit sweeter this year. Has an old nut at the top which many find unappealing
Blackburn
Rock
An old-school classic which has been around for years and years, without ever being fully in vogue. Sure it stands out with its strict continuity of colours and impressively hard nature when it comes to the crunch, but there's a word of warning: get stuck into too much of the stuff and you could end up losing your teeth.
Bolton
Cough candy
You have to look back to the austere 1950s to find them at the top of the pile; they have not been anywhere near as successful since. They are very much a like-'em-or-loathe-'em concoction: some are soothed by the way they uncompromisingly get the job done, others find them particularly hard to swallow.
Charlton
Sherbet fountain
Usually fantastic at the outset, full of fizz and sparkle, but about halfway through they get a bit samey and, dare we say it, a little rough around the edges. Then the whole operation becomes a bit of a farce; once things get too stodgy and you realise they don't have much left to offer they are quickly forgotten about.
Chelsea
Chocolate coin
Some people look at them and just see ersatz wealth, others marvel at what is essentially a high-quality, tasty product smothered in gold. Either way you have to concede they've been impressively carved out and leave fans feeling as if all their Christmases have come at once. Look set to dominate in the winter months yet again.
Everton
Tablet
These Toffees have been hand-crafted to a dry Scottish recipe, and they've been around the top table for years. Can be a satisfying experience but there's that tendency to crumble when pressure is applied that both delights and infuriates in equal measure. Some would prefer a more easily palatable version.
Fulham
Harrods Fulham ball
Head to west London, stump up the cash and you'll find a pretty tasty delicacy, even if it is a bit dull at heart. Sample them in the knowledge that you're lining Mohamed Al Fayed's coffers but remember: if the heat is turned up on them too fiercely, there's a distinct possibility they may completely melt away.
Liverpool
Kinder Surprise
Far bigger in Europe than they are at home, there is definitely a prize in there somewhere just waiting to come out. But after much seasonal hype and the briefest promise of fulfilment their pretensions remain agonisingly hollow with a tendency to break easily and leave a huge potential for disappointment.
Manchester City
Chupa Chup
Massive in the days when Kojak strutted his stuff, they are still popular though they can really only be suffered by those who have the happy knack of accommodating themselves to their in-one-minute-out-the-next character. They are often licked, get plenty of stick and - whisper it - seem to attract a fair few suckers.
Manchester United
Ferrero Rocher
A high-class confection traditionally offered to guests at major occasions. Huge international popularity but is all as it seems? The gold wrapping is not even made of foil, there's a distinctly soft and insubstantial centre and the whole thing is presided over by an ageing ambassadorial figure who some suggest is spoiling everything.
Middlesbrough
Jelly bean
A mixed bag of colourful characters, expensively packaged and always likely to raise a smile. One or two members may fail to make the cut (watch out for the beige speckled one) but overall an impressively shiny offering with a burgeoning international reputation. In the past occasionally a bit heavy on the has-beens.
Newcastle
Anglo Bubbly
The old classic bubble gum, always more expensive than rivals despite appearing to be the same thing in terms of quality (and therefore very frustrating as you wonder where all the cash went). Also the bubbles tend to burst and end up all over your face, much to the amusement of others.
Portsmouth
Revels
A bag of very different delights seemingly thrown together at random by the head honcho. The element of roulette always keeps you interested and, though none of it should work together in any way whatsoever, the mix generally turns out OK. There's method in the madness, we think
Reading
Haribo Starmix
A curiously appealing blue-and-white rag-bag of never-weres and might-still-bes. Adds up to more than the sum of its parts and well presented in a shiny plastic home, but can it stand close examination among more thoroughbread confections? May end up leaving you slightly empty.
Sheffield United
Gobstopper
The most harsh critics find it difficult to see beyond a gob-full of rubbish that won't go away. We couldn't possibly comment. As a unit they appear quite hard but if you sucker them enough and apply pressure they should crumble. But fair play to them: they're an interesting alternative to the usual fare.
Tottenham
Penny chew
"I'll have two chocolate drops, three cola bottles, one liquorice bootlace, five midfielders, two left-backs; no, put one midfielder back..." Why was it that no matter how many penny sweets you bought, you had a nagging feeling you should really have spent that week's pocket money on one single piece of quality confectionery?
Watford
Polo
Simple, cheap, honest and could give us all a breath of fresh air. There's probably nobody in the land who truly hates them (although we hear they don't go down too well in Luton). The large round hole in the middle is an obvious weak point; it won't take too much worrying for the whole thing to split apart.
West Ham
Strawberry bootlace
This childhood favourite is one of the most aesthetically pleasing stuff around and can be very tasty indeed. They also have an enjoyable tendency to stick together solidly, but the more determined have found they can be made to unravel into a purple-ish sticky mess if you pick at them long enough.
Wigan
Victory V
An effective confection, although only a few hardcore fans seem to find it addictively tasty round these parts. Many locals prefer to spend time with its oval half-cousin (the similarly menthol Fisherman's Friend) which is longer established in the town, a completely different shape and consumed only by real men.
Arsenal
Lemon bonbon
A classic French concoction, popular precisely because they are goodgood. But there's a sweet-and-sour mix. On better days they're fizzing and leave you salivating for more, on other days you can be left dwelling on a bitter aftertaste. Critics point to a brittle nature but a European presence definitely on the rise.
Aston Villa
Walnut whip
A famous name that always seems to be in a whirl over something or other. In the past this classically shaped construction has been packed with a light, insubstantial froth but some are forecasting that things might just become a bit sweeter this year. Has an old nut at the top which many find unappealing
Blackburn
Rock
An old-school classic which has been around for years and years, without ever being fully in vogue. Sure it stands out with its strict continuity of colours and impressively hard nature when it comes to the crunch, but there's a word of warning: get stuck into too much of the stuff and you could end up losing your teeth.
Bolton
Cough candy
You have to look back to the austere 1950s to find them at the top of the pile; they have not been anywhere near as successful since. They are very much a like-'em-or-loathe-'em concoction: some are soothed by the way they uncompromisingly get the job done, others find them particularly hard to swallow.
Charlton
Sherbet fountain
Usually fantastic at the outset, full of fizz and sparkle, but about halfway through they get a bit samey and, dare we say it, a little rough around the edges. Then the whole operation becomes a bit of a farce; once things get too stodgy and you realise they don't have much left to offer they are quickly forgotten about.
Chelsea
Chocolate coin
Some people look at them and just see ersatz wealth, others marvel at what is essentially a high-quality, tasty product smothered in gold. Either way you have to concede they've been impressively carved out and leave fans feeling as if all their Christmases have come at once. Look set to dominate in the winter months yet again.
Everton
Tablet
These Toffees have been hand-crafted to a dry Scottish recipe, and they've been around the top table for years. Can be a satisfying experience but there's that tendency to crumble when pressure is applied that both delights and infuriates in equal measure. Some would prefer a more easily palatable version.
Fulham
Harrods Fulham ball
Head to west London, stump up the cash and you'll find a pretty tasty delicacy, even if it is a bit dull at heart. Sample them in the knowledge that you're lining Mohamed Al Fayed's coffers but remember: if the heat is turned up on them too fiercely, there's a distinct possibility they may completely melt away.
Liverpool
Kinder Surprise
Far bigger in Europe than they are at home, there is definitely a prize in there somewhere just waiting to come out. But after much seasonal hype and the briefest promise of fulfilment their pretensions remain agonisingly hollow with a tendency to break easily and leave a huge potential for disappointment.
Manchester City
Chupa Chup
Massive in the days when Kojak strutted his stuff, they are still popular though they can really only be suffered by those who have the happy knack of accommodating themselves to their in-one-minute-out-the-next character. They are often licked, get plenty of stick and - whisper it - seem to attract a fair few suckers.
Manchester United
Ferrero Rocher
A high-class confection traditionally offered to guests at major occasions. Huge international popularity but is all as it seems? The gold wrapping is not even made of foil, there's a distinctly soft and insubstantial centre and the whole thing is presided over by an ageing ambassadorial figure who some suggest is spoiling everything.
Middlesbrough
Jelly bean
A mixed bag of colourful characters, expensively packaged and always likely to raise a smile. One or two members may fail to make the cut (watch out for the beige speckled one) but overall an impressively shiny offering with a burgeoning international reputation. In the past occasionally a bit heavy on the has-beens.
Newcastle
Anglo Bubbly
The old classic bubble gum, always more expensive than rivals despite appearing to be the same thing in terms of quality (and therefore very frustrating as you wonder where all the cash went). Also the bubbles tend to burst and end up all over your face, much to the amusement of others.
Portsmouth
Revels
A bag of very different delights seemingly thrown together at random by the head honcho. The element of roulette always keeps you interested and, though none of it should work together in any way whatsoever, the mix generally turns out OK. There's method in the madness, we think
Reading
Haribo Starmix
A curiously appealing blue-and-white rag-bag of never-weres and might-still-bes. Adds up to more than the sum of its parts and well presented in a shiny plastic home, but can it stand close examination among more thoroughbread confections? May end up leaving you slightly empty.
Sheffield United
Gobstopper
The most harsh critics find it difficult to see beyond a gob-full of rubbish that won't go away. We couldn't possibly comment. As a unit they appear quite hard but if you sucker them enough and apply pressure they should crumble. But fair play to them: they're an interesting alternative to the usual fare.
Tottenham
Penny chew
"I'll have two chocolate drops, three cola bottles, one liquorice bootlace, five midfielders, two left-backs; no, put one midfielder back..." Why was it that no matter how many penny sweets you bought, you had a nagging feeling you should really have spent that week's pocket money on one single piece of quality confectionery?
Watford
Polo
Simple, cheap, honest and could give us all a breath of fresh air. There's probably nobody in the land who truly hates them (although we hear they don't go down too well in Luton). The large round hole in the middle is an obvious weak point; it won't take too much worrying for the whole thing to split apart.
West Ham
Strawberry bootlace
This childhood favourite is one of the most aesthetically pleasing stuff around and can be very tasty indeed. They also have an enjoyable tendency to stick together solidly, but the more determined have found they can be made to unravel into a purple-ish sticky mess if you pick at them long enough.
Wigan
Victory V
An effective confection, although only a few hardcore fans seem to find it addictively tasty round these parts. Many locals prefer to spend time with its oval half-cousin (the similarly menthol Fisherman's Friend) which is longer established in the town, a completely different shape and consumed only by real men.