Dan Loney
08 Aug 2006, 03:06 PM
Last week DJ Walker gave me the horrible news. Well, not me personally, he put it in his "Footballs Are Round!" blog. Well, he didn't come up with the story, he forwarded on the bit from Jack Bell's New York Times article. I didn't want to believe, and hoped against hope for days now. It's not officially official, but it's on the MLSnet site now, and I suppose I need to face it. Dema Kovalenko has escaped from Devil's Island, and will once again disgrace Major League Soccer. Primal scream therapy begins...now.
I like to think I appreciate the art and craft of the defensive midfielder. There is probably no more despised position in the starting eleven, except among coaches, who love their adorable little terriers. It's easy to see why fans hate and coaches adore them. They disrupt the other team's game plan, and start the counter-attack. Get yourself a good one, and the sky's the limit. Try to do without one, and you have Tab Ramos getting a great view of Ali Daei's scoring celebration.
So when I say I hate Dema Kovalenko - and wow, do I hate Dema Kovelanko. I start each day with a big bowl of Hate Dema Flakes, a part of this complete breakfast - I say this after careful consideration of his stated role. Which, I submit, he was unsuited for.
Take a quick look at his career at Indiana. Forty-five goals in fifty-seven appearances. All-American. National champion. Today, we know him as a rectangular primate afflicted with the Rage from "28 Days Later." Back around the 1999 draft, the defending champion Fire pulled off the heist of the draft by taking the P40 rights of one of the best young forwards in the country. Of course he wasn't a d-mid back then, why would the Fire trade for a touted Project-40 pick to back up Chris Armas? He was supposed to team with Ante Razov and dominate the league.
I wish I could say it was a bad decision, but the 1999 MLS draft was, in retrospect, a landfill. The Fire got some use out of one of the guys available (although Dema, technically, wasn't a draft pick), so they ended up way ahead of a lot of teams. Still, the Fire went from winning the double in 1998 to winning the nothing in 1999.
And don't tell me he was an effective force on offense. As of right now, he has fewer goals in his career than Chris Klein, and something like twenty fewer assists than Simon Elliott.
The only time Dema got a championship ring was after he tried his very, very best to prevent it. DC United swept the Metrostars back in 2004, no thanks to Dema Kovalenko, who got himself red-carded in the second game. That might have put DC in MLS Cup right there, since had he been available to pull a similar stunt against New England, DC would have been a man down and the Revolution would have pulled away. Instead, with Dema safely ineligible, DC won a classic on penalty kicks.
Then, of course, in MLS Cup DC United was completely and totally in control until Dema showed off some Gaelic football moves. His attempt to shush the horrified DC fans in the Home Depot Center north end zone was admittedly funny. What wasn't funny was how he single-handedly brought Kansas City back into the game. 3-1 became 3-2, eleven against ten with over half an hour left. If the Wizards had a better option off the bench than Matt Taylor, Peter Nowak might be unemployed today.
Hm, I guess that's all there is to dislike about Dema, I can't think of anything else...oh, right! The broken legs! Much abuse has been heaped on Kovalenko for his irresponsible violent incompetence, and every single word has been richly deserved. Yes, it is the responsibility of a defender to hinder the opponent's skill. Doing so by trying to end the other guy's career is unconscionable. If Kovalenko hasn't got the ability or the talent to defend the other guy, then he shouldn't be in the league. For one glorious season, he wasn't. Now he's back. I suppose this is Bruce Arena's idea of MLS developing players for the US National Team.
And now, Bruce Arena is getting Kovalenko ready to face Barcelona, who have absolutely no idea what they're in for. I hope Ronaldinho has titanium shin guards. Maybe he won't do any damage, though. Maybe he will sit, watch Lilian Thuram, and finally figure out how the game is supposed to be played.
Or maybe some scrub will break his leg and end his career.
Or maybe Barcelona will take one look at him, go "At last! The defensive midfielder of our dreams! Where have you been all our lives?" and he'll win a European Cup.
I suppose I should say at some point that, for all I know, in his spare time Kovalenko rescues drowning puppies in his spare time, and in his basement he is busily cooking up the cure to Big Hair Disease. There is a big, big tendency among fans to equivalentize (KIDS! THIS IS NOT A WORD! DO NOT USE IT IN AN ESSAY!) good and bad play with moral and immoral character. I think Kovalenko's play in both senses is "bad," but I have no evidence that his hateful play on the field is evidence of a hateful character.
Still, with the possible exception of Carlos Ruiz, Kovalenko may be the single most hateful player in league history. Ruiz scores once in a while, earned his MLS Cup ring, and as far as I can recall hasn't ever cost an opponent to miss a game.
In conclusion, Dema sucks.
I like to think I appreciate the art and craft of the defensive midfielder. There is probably no more despised position in the starting eleven, except among coaches, who love their adorable little terriers. It's easy to see why fans hate and coaches adore them. They disrupt the other team's game plan, and start the counter-attack. Get yourself a good one, and the sky's the limit. Try to do without one, and you have Tab Ramos getting a great view of Ali Daei's scoring celebration.
So when I say I hate Dema Kovalenko - and wow, do I hate Dema Kovelanko. I start each day with a big bowl of Hate Dema Flakes, a part of this complete breakfast - I say this after careful consideration of his stated role. Which, I submit, he was unsuited for.
Take a quick look at his career at Indiana. Forty-five goals in fifty-seven appearances. All-American. National champion. Today, we know him as a rectangular primate afflicted with the Rage from "28 Days Later." Back around the 1999 draft, the defending champion Fire pulled off the heist of the draft by taking the P40 rights of one of the best young forwards in the country. Of course he wasn't a d-mid back then, why would the Fire trade for a touted Project-40 pick to back up Chris Armas? He was supposed to team with Ante Razov and dominate the league.
I wish I could say it was a bad decision, but the 1999 MLS draft was, in retrospect, a landfill. The Fire got some use out of one of the guys available (although Dema, technically, wasn't a draft pick), so they ended up way ahead of a lot of teams. Still, the Fire went from winning the double in 1998 to winning the nothing in 1999.
And don't tell me he was an effective force on offense. As of right now, he has fewer goals in his career than Chris Klein, and something like twenty fewer assists than Simon Elliott.
The only time Dema got a championship ring was after he tried his very, very best to prevent it. DC United swept the Metrostars back in 2004, no thanks to Dema Kovalenko, who got himself red-carded in the second game. That might have put DC in MLS Cup right there, since had he been available to pull a similar stunt against New England, DC would have been a man down and the Revolution would have pulled away. Instead, with Dema safely ineligible, DC won a classic on penalty kicks.
Then, of course, in MLS Cup DC United was completely and totally in control until Dema showed off some Gaelic football moves. His attempt to shush the horrified DC fans in the Home Depot Center north end zone was admittedly funny. What wasn't funny was how he single-handedly brought Kansas City back into the game. 3-1 became 3-2, eleven against ten with over half an hour left. If the Wizards had a better option off the bench than Matt Taylor, Peter Nowak might be unemployed today.
Hm, I guess that's all there is to dislike about Dema, I can't think of anything else...oh, right! The broken legs! Much abuse has been heaped on Kovalenko for his irresponsible violent incompetence, and every single word has been richly deserved. Yes, it is the responsibility of a defender to hinder the opponent's skill. Doing so by trying to end the other guy's career is unconscionable. If Kovalenko hasn't got the ability or the talent to defend the other guy, then he shouldn't be in the league. For one glorious season, he wasn't. Now he's back. I suppose this is Bruce Arena's idea of MLS developing players for the US National Team.
And now, Bruce Arena is getting Kovalenko ready to face Barcelona, who have absolutely no idea what they're in for. I hope Ronaldinho has titanium shin guards. Maybe he won't do any damage, though. Maybe he will sit, watch Lilian Thuram, and finally figure out how the game is supposed to be played.
Or maybe some scrub will break his leg and end his career.
Or maybe Barcelona will take one look at him, go "At last! The defensive midfielder of our dreams! Where have you been all our lives?" and he'll win a European Cup.
I suppose I should say at some point that, for all I know, in his spare time Kovalenko rescues drowning puppies in his spare time, and in his basement he is busily cooking up the cure to Big Hair Disease. There is a big, big tendency among fans to equivalentize (KIDS! THIS IS NOT A WORD! DO NOT USE IT IN AN ESSAY!) good and bad play with moral and immoral character. I think Kovalenko's play in both senses is "bad," but I have no evidence that his hateful play on the field is evidence of a hateful character.
Still, with the possible exception of Carlos Ruiz, Kovalenko may be the single most hateful player in league history. Ruiz scores once in a while, earned his MLS Cup ring, and as far as I can recall hasn't ever cost an opponent to miss a game.
In conclusion, Dema sucks.