I'm not talking about hate. I'm talking about eight.

[Dan Loney]

The title non-sequitur is an old Firesign Theater reference.

And now, the quarterfinals! As we learned in 2002, the real goal of the World Cup is to make it to the quarterfinals. Anything after that, while nice, is ultimately superfluous.

But first, some pointless padding for the front page.

There is no truth to the rumor that Taylor Negron (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0624510/) has been signed to play the lead in I Sing The Body Sarcastic: The Bruce Arena Story. However, breakout crossover star Dick Cheney (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0155515/) has the inside track for the title role in For Here or Togo?, or, Otto Pfister? I Hardly Even Know Her. The role of the French Coach That Looks Exactly Like Actor/Pundit Ben Stein will be played by actor/pundit Eric Cantona.

[Dan Loney]

No games tomorrow? I don't think I'm ready.

FIFA rankings might seem as useful as Ronaldinho's guidebook on how not to look like Rocky the Flying Squirrel, but most of their World Cup seeds for this tournament sailed on through. Only Mexico and Spain did not make the final eight. This is the first time since 1994 that every seeded team at least made the second round. Back then, even garbage third place teams made the second round, so you really had to be crummy to do three and out. (I wonder if Brian Glanville still thinks Colombia was bribed.)

I was a big believer in the theory of "Who cares if you win your group or not, just get to the second round," but group winners were 6-2. And one of the two was a seeded team. Only Spain and Switzerland didn't progress afterwards, and neither of them missed the call by much. When you think about it, of course, seeds and group winners should progress - seeds are historically more successful, and group winners have been getting positive results. Three non-group winners made the quarterfinals last time, but it seemed that England, Turkey, and the United States were more authoritative in crashing the party that year - unlike France, none of those teams were seeded.

My predictions for the previous round were, of course, horrible. But we're not here to live in the past.

BRAZIL over FRANCE. Oh, I guess we are here to live in the past. This will be to decide the rightful winner of the 1998 World Cup, at least in the eyes of countless millions. Almost certainly including the fat guy who put the nice move on Ghana this morning. This is a rematch of the one blot on his international career (his club career is beyond salvage at this point), and you have to expect the man to be giving R. Lee Emery's "I will motivate you!" speech to his teammates. France in 1998 had the greatest midfield in the world, and that's what made the difference, but don't look for that fact to be mentioned terribly often in the run-up to this match.

GERMANY over ARGENTINA. I'm not putting too much more thought into this than home field advantage, Germany getting goals early and late, and just generally living up to their past standards. The Argentina bandwagon might be a little lighter after the Dutch oven and the Mexican standoff. This might be the single most highly-charged and intense match in recent tournament history, at least until the winner plays England. Play this match anywhere in the world, and you couldn't get me to go with Germany on a dare - I think Miroslav Klose, for example, is astoundingly overrated. But it's in Germany, and Crespo is overrated too.

ENGLAND over PORTUGAL. I'm not saying Portugal stinks, and it wouldn't be the biggest shock in the world if they won this one. I'm cheering for (as opposed to predicting) England because, as noted, a semifinal match with either Germany or Argentina would be something to kill for. And, indeed, something probably will be killed. But that's for the next round. Portugal will get no help from the refs, given the screams for crackdowns against cheap shots and dives. Let's say one for Beckham early, one for Rooney in the middle, a consolation for Portugal late to make it interesting.

ITALY over whoever it was that won - let me check, I keep forgetting - I'm not kidding either, I keep reminding myself to finally read something about Switzerland, in case I have to write about them for some reason, then recalling that they lost and I don't have to - UKRAINE, that's right. I guess no one's forcing us to watch. This might be a good couple of hours to take a walk, call up friends, wash the cat, or something. Ukraine's only player is someone every player on the Italian squad knows backwards and forwards, and Italy, whatever their other flaws and foibles, are good. I'm gonna go crazy and pick this to end 1-0.

[locoxriver]

ENGLAND over PORTUGAL. I'm not saying Portugal stinks, and it wouldn't be the biggest shock in the world if they won this one. I'm cheering for (as opposed to predicting) England because, as noted, a semifinal match with either Germany or Argentina would be something to kill for. And, indeed, something probably will be killed. But that's for the next round. Portugal will get no help from the refs, given the screams for crackdowns against cheap shots and dives. Let's say one for Beckham early, one for Rooney in the middle, a consolation for Portugal late to make it interesting.
Wait.. That's not possible.. The winner of Argentina-Germany will face the winner of Ukraine-Italy in the semifinals.. The winner of England-Portugal will face the winner of Brazil-France..

http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a256/locoxriver/bracket.jpg

[maxpepper]

http://fifaworldcup.yahoo.com/06/en/w/bracket.html

tsk, tsk

[The Beautiful Frame]

I think Miroslav Klose, for example, is astoundingly overrated.

I respect your opinion, really, I do, but what the hell have you been watching? Tapes from 2002?

[Dan Loney]

Aw, crap, you're right. Damn, I totally wanted all those war chants, too. Now I have to readjust my entire World Cup. I think Ukraine will win now. Wait, no I don't.

Klose does nothing for me, nothing whatsoever. I don't care if he wins the Golden Boot. Besides, he should have played for Poland. Although maybe I'm just sublimating my disdain for Owen Hargreaves.

[The Beautiful Frame]

Besides, he should have played for Poland.

You mean like Bocanegra should have played for Mexico? Or like Mastroeni should have played for Argentina? Not that I think they'd ever be called up for those teams, mind you. I'm just asking for the sake of the argument.

Oh, and what about Adu? Does your disdain for him reach Owen Hargreaves levels?

[Dan Loney]

You mean like Bocanegra should have played for Mexico? Or like Mastroeni should have played for Argentina? Not that I think they'd ever be called up for those teams, mind you. I'm just asking for the sake of the argument.

Oh, and what about Adu? Does your disdain for him reach Owen Hargreaves levels?Hargreaves, like Klose, turned down a weaker team to play for a stronger one. Not really the case for Bocanegra and Mastroeni. Well, maybe Bocanegra.

Adu has lost some points by pretending to consider Ghana as an alternative, but at least he's lived in the United States for a good portion of his life. Besides, right now the US is weaker than Ghana, apparently, so thanks for bringing that painful memory back.

[Affenkopf]

Adu has lost some points by pretending to consider Ghana as an alternative, but at least he's lived in the United States for a good portion of his life.

Klose lives in Germany since he was eight and acoording to Wikipedia he is partly ethnic German.

"They are of ethnical mixed origin, partly German, partly Slavic Silesian."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miroslav_Klose

[The Beautiful Frame]

Hargreaves, like Klose, turned down a weaker team to play for a stronger one.

So you're saying that whenever a player is eligible for two countries, he has to choose the weaker team or face your disdain? Sorry, but the logic behind this eludes me.

Look, I hate those imports into NTs as much as the next guy. And yes, we've been guilty here in the past. The Sean Dundee incident was shameful on so many levels it hurts me physically to think about it. Back in the 80ies, half our ice hockey team was made up of Canadians with very very loose ties to Germany. I hate that stuff, believe me.

But the Klose situation is different. The family has a German ethnic background. By German law, ethnic Germans from Eastern Europe and the former Soviet Union have a right to come to Germany. The government can't deny them this. By law they are as German as anybody else. They have a right to the German citizenship. Klose's father chose to claim that right. The boy came to Germany when he was eight years old. He's a product of our youth system. He learned to play football here. He's ours, damn it. His ties to German football are much, much stronger than his ties to Polish football. He's a German who learned to play football in Germany, and still you want him to play for Poland? He'd be much more of a mercenary in their team than he's in ours.

[Truckwu]

He'd be much more of a mercenary in their team than he's in ours.Those discussions about Klose and Podolski are senseless. They have the German nationality and that`s it. If that is not enough we should discuss about the coloured people in the teams of France, England and so

["Eisenfuß" Eilts]

Klose does nothing for me, nothing whatsoever.

Shows, that you have no real clue of football. :p

[SCBozeman]

The role of the French Coach That Looks Exactly Like Actor/Pundit Ben Stein will be played by actor/pundit Eric Cantona.

Don't be ridiculous, Domenech looks like Eugene Levy.

Eugene Levy: http://i.eurosport.com/2006/01/06/237288-717262-458-238.jpg

Raymond Domenech: http://eur.news1.yimg.com/eur.yimg.com/uno1/per-000776.jpg

[SCBozeman]

Hargreaves, like Klose, turned down a weaker team to play for a stronger one. Not really the case for Bocanegra and Mastroeni. Well, maybe Bocanegra.

Question -- I know Hargreaves has never actually lived in England and was born and raised in Calgary before heading to Munich.

Then how come on Fox Sports last night he had an English accent so thick that Rio Ferdinand had to translate for him? I mean, did he pick that up from watching Mike Leigh movies, or did he speak that way at home and was he simply beat up daily in Alberta?

[IvanIV]

He he he...A Taylor Negron reference...You must either be his agent or his mom becasue I don't think anyone else is even remotely aware who he is...and, yes, even I am embarassed that I know...lol... ;)

[Dan Loney]

I mean, did he pick that up from watching Mike Leigh moviesThat's how I got mine.

There is no shame in knowing who Taylor Negron is. Anyone who saw "The Aristocrats" must have thought, "That guy is FUNNY" and "That guy is a dead ringer for Bruce Arena."

If you told me a month ago I'd get grief for slamming Miroslav Klose, I'd have - well, okay, I guess getting grief for slamming Miroslav Klose was a fairly predictable response. But I cheerfully stand by it. His reputation is built entirely on scoring goals against World Cupcakes. Even in CONCACAF, no one is impressed with Costa Rica's defense. His other two goals were against the Ecuadorean subs in the meaningless third game. The first goal against Sweden came despite the fact that Isaksson got to the freaking ball. But yes, good job finding a wide open Podolski on the second goal - I'm sure Sweden being a man down had nothing to do with that whatsover. And what exactly made Sweden that much better than Costa Rica this tournament?

Klose has one more goal than Ronaldo and the same number of assists as DaMarcus Beasley. Whee. The Germans who have impressed me are Ballack and (it hurts to say this as an American) Torsten Frings. And Lehmann, because seeing Kahn sulking on the bench amuses me greatly.

Now the apology, I guess. I had no idea there was this big a can of worms, still, about Klose's team choice, and you better believe I regret the direction this conversation has taken. I don't see the comparison with England and France's "coloured" players as even remotely valid, but I was the one who brought up the topic of naturalized players, so I have to take responsibility for where it went. I suck. Boo.

[Kaiser]

There is no shame in knowing who Taylor Negron is.

He's not the singer from Three Dog Night???

[SCBozeman]

That's how I got mine.

I think you mean "Vaf's how Oi got moine."

[The Beautiful Frame]

Now the apology, I guess. I had no idea there was this big a can of worms, still, about Klose's team choice, and you better believe I regret the direction this conversation has taken.[...]I suck. Boo.
Oh, not at all. I just thought I'd point out that an ethnic German - who has German citizenship, and who never played football at any level anywhere except in Germany - playing for the German NT is not that big a deal. I mean, it's not like we naturalized Eto'o out of the blue.

I don't see the comparison with England and France's "coloured" players as even remotely valid
I was just about to agree with you, but when I think about it, what's wrong with the comparison?
Klose is ethnically and legally German. He went through the German youth system. He speaks Polish beside German, and he has relatives in Poland.
Most of the players mentioned are ethnically and legally French/English, they went through the French/English youth systems, and maybe they, too, speak foreign languages and have relatives abroad. What's the difference?

His reputation is built entirely on scoring goals against World Cupcakes.
With me, his reputation is primarily built on the most impressive Bundesliga season any player (not striker, PLAYER) has had in recent memory.

I must add that I have been quite impressed with him in this WC, too. You haven't. BFD. We'll see. Or maybe we won't. Whatever.

[Crimen y Castigo]

"Otto Pfister? I Hardly Even Know Her."

Coupled with the actual image of Otto Pfister, this hereby becomes the "phrase most foul" of the 2006 Cup.

Moreso than even, dare I say it, "Switzerland v. Ukraine."