View Full Version : Scenes from a mall
Dan Loney
18 Jun 2006, 08:14 PM
Out of the polite consideration that people use to punish each other, I was at Nordstrom's watching my friend compare shoes. She had suggested I go look at the clothes in the men's department, but my idea of a clothing budget is more Goodwill than Nordstrom's. Besides, I calculated that if I stood nearby looking bored and impatient, she wouldn't take as long.
It was then I noticed a man trying a similar tactic on his wife in the dresses section. He was wearing a 1998 Mexico road jersey, personalized to read "C. Blanco." No sooner did I narrow my eyes in disapproval that he turned to look at my shirt - a 2002 US home jersey, personalized to read "Reyna." Our eyes locked in the sort of stare that made Sergio Leone famous. We lived out the unspoken but vivid conversation that, with small changes in dialogue, has been played and replayed for over ten years now.
"Huh. Didn't know Nike made wifebeaters."
"Nice shirt. Where's the pink triangle?"
"Loved the Angola game."
"You guys were great against Czech Republic, too."
"Argentina called. They said you dive too much."
"Yeah, I took a message from Costa Rica saying you're embarrassing CONCACAF."
"You're overrated."
"So are you."
"Your kids will root for the United States."
"Your kids will speak Spanish."
"Go Portugal."
"Viva Ghana."
"2-0."
"Dweeb."
"Clown."
"Wimp."
"Tit."
"*something about Brian Ching and the Sierra Madre*"
His wife walked up to him carrying some ugly flowery number and asked what he thought of it, at the same moment my friend asked me my opinion of those little fluffy balls on the backs of tennis socks. We are constant and unyielding in our loyalties, but the mundane world has no patience or understanding with us.
On the way back to the car, we passed yet another fan - this time in an Argentina shirt, brand spanking new, bought without a doubt thirty-six hours ago or sooner. My friend asked, "How come you never wear a soccer shirt that nice?"
SankaCofie
18 Jun 2006, 08:58 PM
Because you have self respect.
I wore a shiny white Real Madrid shirt once, because it was so white and shiny and I looked so great in it.
I still cry at night sometimes, thinking how it touched my skin, and the stink of it will never wear off.
Clinton AFC
18 Jun 2006, 09:26 PM
Funny & very well written, Dan.
Repped.
::::::
18 Jun 2006, 09:53 PM
Dan:
Is this they mythical "girlfriend" you keep talking about?
Delta Blues
18 Jun 2006, 10:05 PM
Because you have self respect.
I wore a shiny white Real Madrid shirt once, because it was so white and shiny and I looked so great in it.
I still cry at night sometimes, thinking how it touched my skin, and the stink of it will never wear off.
Simply one of the greatest posts I've ever read. Seriously.
SankaCofie
18 Jun 2006, 10:39 PM
Nice to see you've calmed down from the post-Italy rage mr. delta person.
Personally I think the original post is worthy of being enshrined in the bigsoccer hall of fame... as i'm fairly certain i've HEARD that conversation before. Even if I haven't.
DSM1
18 Jun 2006, 11:35 PM
Oh, yeah, I can relate.
DSM1
18 Jun 2006, 11:39 PM
Very funny stuff. Since our heroic 1-1 vs. Italy, we can also add
Mexico 0, Angola 0 as a nice addition.
M3nt0R
18 Jun 2006, 11:42 PM
Did you really just start talking to that Mexican guy out of the blue saying that? If so, you're definitely a hero to me. That is hilarious.
Pathogen
19 Jun 2006, 12:07 AM
Did you really just start talking to that Mexican guy out of the blue saying that? If so, you're definitely a hero to me. That is hilarious.
We lived out the unspoken but vivid conversation...
This would make a great commercial.
Bill Schmidt
19 Jun 2006, 12:33 AM
On the way back to the car, we passed yet another fan - this time in an Argentina shirt, brand spanking new, bought without a doubt thirty-six hours ago or sooner. My friend asked, "How come you never wear a soccer shirt that nice?"
Hehe, my away Argentina jersey is exactly 48 hours old! But I bought it while wearing the U.S. away Onyewu jersey and everyone was asking about the U.S. game. :)
SankaCofie
19 Jun 2006, 12:34 AM
Hehe, my away Argentina jersey is exactly 48 hours old! But I bought it while wearing the U.S. away Onyewu jersey and everyone was asking about the U.S. game. :)
don't ever wear it. you'll find yourself inexplicably falling down in apparent agony only to get up a few seconds later feeling fine.
Bill Schmidt
19 Jun 2006, 12:52 AM
You only got half the prescription right. I would also need a magic water bottle..for after the stretcher. :)
mschofield
19 Jun 2006, 06:03 AM
Really nice post, very funny, very true.
My son has taken to swapping shirts (any shirt, dress shirt, tee-shirt, whatver) with other fans in the streets (after a beer and conversation), which is actually kind of cool. No clue what he'll come home with (goal is a nederland jersey, though last time it was an ugly tennis shirt for an ugly tee-shirt).
guignol
19 Jun 2006, 08:20 AM
pierre-henri from the france board asked me to come over to rep you, (and deservedly so may i add) but... You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Dan Loney again.
SankaCofie
19 Jun 2006, 10:18 AM
We're ALL facing a Dan Loney repping hiatus. Which is sad. Never will so much rep be deserved in such a short period of time.
Sachin
19 Jun 2006, 12:28 PM
I knew it: Loney is going shoe shopping with a "platonic friend".
Well done!
Sachin
fordfjord
19 Jun 2006, 01:09 PM
Thanks for sharing that, Dan. Repped.
Caught my neighbor's kid coming home one day wearing a Chivas jersey, not days after I helped him become a member of the Texian Army. Same feelings, different unvoiced conversation... :p
SankaCofie
19 Jun 2006, 06:53 PM
wow ford. you did that kid a huge favor, god knows what kind of horrible path his life might have taken. how could his parents be so lazy and oblivious as to not notice their child making such life-ruining choices like that. what kind of neglect leads a kid to such bad decisions.
there should be some kind of school-room program to keep kids off chivas.
WorldGame
19 Jun 2006, 09:51 PM
...He was wearing a 1998 Mexico road jersey, personalized to read "C. Blanco." No sooner did I narrow my eyes in disapproval that he turned to look at my shirt - a 2002 US home jersey, personalized to read "Reyna."...We lived out the unspoken but vivid conversation that, with small changes in dialogue, has been played and replayed for [over] more than ten years now
Submit your work, and do it soon.
Call me. I'm in that biz.
And I aint kiddin'.
We are constant and unyielding in our loyalties, but the mundane world has no patience or understanding with us.
This is just f**king genius.
Brilliant.
F**k.
Ing.
Geenyus.
If I read this a hundred times, it would still resonate.
Bloody f**king hell, man, sittith thine arse down and bang out a manuscript.
The rest of the planet deserves to slap your platonic friend if you don't.
We are constant and unyielding in our loyalties, but the mundane world has no patience or understanding with us.
Motherf**k John F**king Wayne, that is just f**king it!
If Hemingway were alive tonight, and read that line alone, he'd start loading his f**king double-barrel this minute, muttering Aztec curses over your family...and probably wondering what you look like in a tutu.
We are constant and unyielding in our loyalties, but the mundane world has no patience or understanding with us.
This!
This is what it means to be:
An.
American.
Soccer.
Fan.