Skizz
09 Jun 2006, 04:57 AM
Courtesy of everyone's favourite bog roll, The Sun:
1. An opening ceremony that involves 200 Berlin schoolkids, Boris Becker, Claudia Schiffer and a bloke dressed up as a sausage in a Volkswagen Lupo.
2. TV cameras picking out a dancing Brazilian fan with an arse like J-Lo but the face of Joe-Cole.
3. Midfielder Own Hargreaves' appearance in the England squad turning out to be another hilarious stunt for Rio Ferdinand's new TV show.
4. Aussie Harry Kewell hobbling off after three minutes with a badly twisted alice band.
5. A South American national anthem with four choruses interrupted by two ad-breaks.
6. The bitter feud between Jens Lehmann and Oliver Kahn exploding in a touchline fight to the death. Who wins? Who cares!
7. TV cameras picking out a large-breasted England fan, called Dave from Newcastle.
8. Steven Gerrard reluctantly miming every fourth word of the national anthem.
9. A short, bald kit man running half the length of the pitch to jump on the winners of a penalty shootout. N.B. He won't be English.
10. Italian players surrounding the ref and waving imaginary cards, before bursting into tears.
11. ITV pundits Ally McCoist and Andy Townsend's pitchside table being smashed by a load of baton-wielding German policemen.
12. ITV co-commentator David Pleat mispronouncing all those tricky foreign-sounding names. Like Owen Harjeaves and Thigh O'Walcott.
13. A Polish player who is wearing boots made out of potatoes and sporting a hairstyle like your nan.
14. Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger chuckling to himself as Theo spoons another sitter over the bar.
15. The utterly hilarious sight of Newcastle flop Jean-Alain Boumsong in a France shirt!
16. English, Dutch, French, Polish and Italian fans not mentioning the war. Nor daring to hail a taxi by sticking an arm out.
17. TV men keeping a straight face when saying Portugal goalkeeper Quim.
18. Ref Graham Poll's phone number being printed by a South Korean paper after "The Thing from Tring" send off five of their players.
19. Everyone in Britain hating the company that has spent millions on the annoying ads at the start and end of every ITV ad break.
20. Michael Owen needing an oxygen mask after being carried on Crouchie's shoulders at the end of the final. Please God.
1. An opening ceremony that involves 200 Berlin schoolkids, Boris Becker, Claudia Schiffer and a bloke dressed up as a sausage in a Volkswagen Lupo.
2. TV cameras picking out a dancing Brazilian fan with an arse like J-Lo but the face of Joe-Cole.
3. Midfielder Own Hargreaves' appearance in the England squad turning out to be another hilarious stunt for Rio Ferdinand's new TV show.
4. Aussie Harry Kewell hobbling off after three minutes with a badly twisted alice band.
5. A South American national anthem with four choruses interrupted by two ad-breaks.
6. The bitter feud between Jens Lehmann and Oliver Kahn exploding in a touchline fight to the death. Who wins? Who cares!
7. TV cameras picking out a large-breasted England fan, called Dave from Newcastle.
8. Steven Gerrard reluctantly miming every fourth word of the national anthem.
9. A short, bald kit man running half the length of the pitch to jump on the winners of a penalty shootout. N.B. He won't be English.
10. Italian players surrounding the ref and waving imaginary cards, before bursting into tears.
11. ITV pundits Ally McCoist and Andy Townsend's pitchside table being smashed by a load of baton-wielding German policemen.
12. ITV co-commentator David Pleat mispronouncing all those tricky foreign-sounding names. Like Owen Harjeaves and Thigh O'Walcott.
13. A Polish player who is wearing boots made out of potatoes and sporting a hairstyle like your nan.
14. Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger chuckling to himself as Theo spoons another sitter over the bar.
15. The utterly hilarious sight of Newcastle flop Jean-Alain Boumsong in a France shirt!
16. English, Dutch, French, Polish and Italian fans not mentioning the war. Nor daring to hail a taxi by sticking an arm out.
17. TV men keeping a straight face when saying Portugal goalkeeper Quim.
18. Ref Graham Poll's phone number being printed by a South Korean paper after "The Thing from Tring" send off five of their players.
19. Everyone in Britain hating the company that has spent millions on the annoying ads at the start and end of every ITV ad break.
20. Michael Owen needing an oxygen mask after being carried on Crouchie's shoulders at the end of the final. Please God.