The Grimster
08 Jun 2006, 06:28 AM
You may have seen this in another forum. I am non-plussed!! (http://www.twincities.com/mld/twincities/news/columnists/14741693.htm)
Maybe non-fans do know soccer
If the government really is serious about identifying illegal immigrants, it soon will be provided a unique opportunity to record their whereabouts.
All the Department of Homeland Security has to do is monitor the city-by-city television ratings of this month's World Cup soccer tournament. Agents should be dispatched to any area in which the ratings reflect an unnaturally high level of interest. That likely signals a concentrated pocket of illegals.
No one who actually is from here cares about the most over-hyped, mind-numbingly boring event in the world. Nevertheless, ABC and ESPN will combine to broadcast all 64 games live and in high definition starting on Friday. High definition means that over the course of a 90-minute contest, both scoring chances can be viewed with crystal clarity.
There's no word yet on whether any of the games will be presented "commercial free." The networks usually make a big deal out of doing that. It's their way of telling us how important the World Cup is. Remember, there were no commercial interruptions when man first walked on the moon.
It makes sense, too. After 20-minute stretches of televised World Cup nothingness, an action-packed commercial definitely would seem intrusive.
Thirty years after soccer was supposed to be the next thing here, ESPN and ABC will attempt to "educate" as well as entertain American viewers during the World Cup, according to an article in Sunday's paper. The arrogance is astounding. The networks still are subscribing to the tired old chestnut that Americans aren't interested in soccer because we don't understand it.
All that tactical beauty is somehow slipping past us. We aren't smart enough to understand the nuances involved in the most popular game in the world.
In fact, just the opposite is true. We don't like soccer because we do understand it. And it's awful.
It's time to quit apologizing and tell the truth. When it comes to soccer, we're right, and the rest of the world is wrong. If they want to dance in the streets of Cameroon or Belgium over this stuff, fine. But the sport does not suit American taste, and we should stop feeling guilty about it.
Look, Americans are an industrious people. We use our hands. We catch footballs. We throw baseballs. We hit golf balls and tennis balls by gripping a piece of equipment. It is unnatural for us to put our hands behind our backs and try to "pass" a soccer ball to a teammate by bouncing it off our heads. We aren't circus seals, and no one is going to toss us a fish if we do it right.
It also offends our sense of fair play to watch a lone referee try to police an area the size of Rhode Island and then get blamed for the outcome by whichever team loses. And regardless of how passionate we are about our sports teams, we draw the line at pipe bombs.
Many spectators in soccer-crazed countries warm up for a big match by hitting their neighbor in the head with a brick. And as soon as little Nigel or Fiona is old enough, mum and dad take them out back and practice squishing them against a chain link fence.
No matter which country wins, rest assured that thousands will die in worldwide rioting. I'm going to pick up the satellite feed of The Hooligan Network, direct from Europe. They show split screen: the soccer game on one half, fans clubbing each other on the other.
Yes, America may be the only country that doesn't go goofy for soccer. We also are the only remaining super power. Don't you see a connection there?
In fairness, soccer is a great activity for little kids. It allows them to run around outside before their motor skills are fully developed and they can move onto something else. It's not bad at the high school level, either, because individual abilities vary greatly at that age, and weird play often occurs as a result.
Beyond that, it's unbearable. As the World Cup rolls around again, I refuse to apologize for saying I'd rather have a colonoscopy than watch a minute of it. Soccer is the rest of the world's problem. Let's not even fake it anymore.
Who cares if the French or Chinese think we are uncivilized? What's the big deal if opponents from the Middle East shake hands after a match? Their countries will be at each other's throats again the next day, anyway.
Perhaps ABC and ESPN will garner decent ratings when the tournament begins. For at least one government agency, the demographics of that audience could prove very interesting.
Tom Powers can be reached
at tpowers@pioneerpress.com.
Maybe non-fans do know soccer
If the government really is serious about identifying illegal immigrants, it soon will be provided a unique opportunity to record their whereabouts.
All the Department of Homeland Security has to do is monitor the city-by-city television ratings of this month's World Cup soccer tournament. Agents should be dispatched to any area in which the ratings reflect an unnaturally high level of interest. That likely signals a concentrated pocket of illegals.
No one who actually is from here cares about the most over-hyped, mind-numbingly boring event in the world. Nevertheless, ABC and ESPN will combine to broadcast all 64 games live and in high definition starting on Friday. High definition means that over the course of a 90-minute contest, both scoring chances can be viewed with crystal clarity.
There's no word yet on whether any of the games will be presented "commercial free." The networks usually make a big deal out of doing that. It's their way of telling us how important the World Cup is. Remember, there were no commercial interruptions when man first walked on the moon.
It makes sense, too. After 20-minute stretches of televised World Cup nothingness, an action-packed commercial definitely would seem intrusive.
Thirty years after soccer was supposed to be the next thing here, ESPN and ABC will attempt to "educate" as well as entertain American viewers during the World Cup, according to an article in Sunday's paper. The arrogance is astounding. The networks still are subscribing to the tired old chestnut that Americans aren't interested in soccer because we don't understand it.
All that tactical beauty is somehow slipping past us. We aren't smart enough to understand the nuances involved in the most popular game in the world.
In fact, just the opposite is true. We don't like soccer because we do understand it. And it's awful.
It's time to quit apologizing and tell the truth. When it comes to soccer, we're right, and the rest of the world is wrong. If they want to dance in the streets of Cameroon or Belgium over this stuff, fine. But the sport does not suit American taste, and we should stop feeling guilty about it.
Look, Americans are an industrious people. We use our hands. We catch footballs. We throw baseballs. We hit golf balls and tennis balls by gripping a piece of equipment. It is unnatural for us to put our hands behind our backs and try to "pass" a soccer ball to a teammate by bouncing it off our heads. We aren't circus seals, and no one is going to toss us a fish if we do it right.
It also offends our sense of fair play to watch a lone referee try to police an area the size of Rhode Island and then get blamed for the outcome by whichever team loses. And regardless of how passionate we are about our sports teams, we draw the line at pipe bombs.
Many spectators in soccer-crazed countries warm up for a big match by hitting their neighbor in the head with a brick. And as soon as little Nigel or Fiona is old enough, mum and dad take them out back and practice squishing them against a chain link fence.
No matter which country wins, rest assured that thousands will die in worldwide rioting. I'm going to pick up the satellite feed of The Hooligan Network, direct from Europe. They show split screen: the soccer game on one half, fans clubbing each other on the other.
Yes, America may be the only country that doesn't go goofy for soccer. We also are the only remaining super power. Don't you see a connection there?
In fairness, soccer is a great activity for little kids. It allows them to run around outside before their motor skills are fully developed and they can move onto something else. It's not bad at the high school level, either, because individual abilities vary greatly at that age, and weird play often occurs as a result.
Beyond that, it's unbearable. As the World Cup rolls around again, I refuse to apologize for saying I'd rather have a colonoscopy than watch a minute of it. Soccer is the rest of the world's problem. Let's not even fake it anymore.
Who cares if the French or Chinese think we are uncivilized? What's the big deal if opponents from the Middle East shake hands after a match? Their countries will be at each other's throats again the next day, anyway.
Perhaps ABC and ESPN will garner decent ratings when the tournament begins. For at least one government agency, the demographics of that audience could prove very interesting.
Tom Powers can be reached
at tpowers@pioneerpress.com.