Chinky24
02 Jun 2006, 07:08 PM
I had some spare time, and reading over forum posts made me chuckle about some of the things that have been said. Feel free to contribute!
What did Elado say to the ticket gouge before El Clasico?
One in the Real section and one in the Barca, please.
Where did he end up sitting?
The parking lot. They don't let 12 year olds in without parental supervision.
What did Guti say to polat_dgn?
No matter what you are, don't worry: I go both ways.
What's the difference between Mad_red and a retarded 10 year old?
Nothing. The Siamese twins were separated at birth.
How did Spain beat Brazil in the 2006 World Cup finals?
They used Mad_red's 12 man formation.
What do you call a Barca fan with an IQ of 40?
Extremely gifted.
Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!
What's the similarity between Manchester United and a 3-pin plug?
They're both useless in Europe.
Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So they ain't mistaken fur a Liverpudlian women.
A Rangers and Celtic fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Rangers fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"
He hands the bottle to the Celtic fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rangers fan replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......"
NON-SOCCER
Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the hell's that on the balcony with Colin?"
Two Irishmen are flying home from London. Shortly after taking off there is a big explosion and the pilot announces that one of the four engines has gone and the flight will take 20 minutes longer. Not long afterwards the pilot announces that a second engine has failed and the flight time will be 40 minutes longer. Half an hour later the pilot speaks to the passenger again to say that the third engine has gone out and they will arrive an hour late. At this time, one of the Irishman turns to the other and remarks "I hope that fourth engine keeps going or we'll be up here all night."
So theres a German, an Italian and a Polish guy. They happen to bump into each other in the middle of their respective exiles in the desert. Each was allowed to carry one item into the desert with them to make it bearable. The Italian and the Pole look at the German and ask, "what did you bring with you"? The German responds, "I brought a canteen of water so I can quench my thirst." The German and Pole then ask the Italian the same. The Italian responds, "I brought an umbrella to block the suns' glare." The German and Italian then look at the Polish guy, who's carrying a car door. "Why the hell are you carrying a car door?", they ask.
The Polish guy snorts in disgust at them and answers, "When I get hot I can roll the window down."
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a Senator from New York, and a potential future president.
And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, Wesley Clark, said, "I'm a General in the Army of the United States of America". I also plan to be my party's nominee for President. So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life,and served my
country well, I will sacrifice my life and le you have the last parachute."
The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
Baghdad TV-Guide
MONDAYS:
7:30 The Mohammed Bunch
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
10:00 Allah McBeal
TUESDAYS:
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right
9:00 Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 U.S. Military Secrets Revealed
8:30 When Kurds Attack
9:00 Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah
9:30 Just Shoot Me
10:00 Veilwatch
THURSDAYS:
8:00 Matima Loves Chachi
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdad's
10:00 Diagnosis: Heresy
FRIDAYS:
8:00 Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot
8:30 Only Our Will and Grace From God Can Keep Us From Touching Each
other
9:00 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things
9:30 Iraqi's Funniest Home Invasions
10:00 Achmed's Creek
11:00 Matlock
What did Elado say to the ticket gouge before El Clasico?
One in the Real section and one in the Barca, please.
Where did he end up sitting?
The parking lot. They don't let 12 year olds in without parental supervision.
What did Guti say to polat_dgn?
No matter what you are, don't worry: I go both ways.
What's the difference between Mad_red and a retarded 10 year old?
Nothing. The Siamese twins were separated at birth.
How did Spain beat Brazil in the 2006 World Cup finals?
They used Mad_red's 12 man formation.
What do you call a Barca fan with an IQ of 40?
Extremely gifted.
Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!
What's the similarity between Manchester United and a 3-pin plug?
They're both useless in Europe.
Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So they ain't mistaken fur a Liverpudlian women.
A Rangers and Celtic fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Rangers fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"
He hands the bottle to the Celtic fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rangers fan replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......"
NON-SOCCER
Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the hell's that on the balcony with Colin?"
Two Irishmen are flying home from London. Shortly after taking off there is a big explosion and the pilot announces that one of the four engines has gone and the flight will take 20 minutes longer. Not long afterwards the pilot announces that a second engine has failed and the flight time will be 40 minutes longer. Half an hour later the pilot speaks to the passenger again to say that the third engine has gone out and they will arrive an hour late. At this time, one of the Irishman turns to the other and remarks "I hope that fourth engine keeps going or we'll be up here all night."
So theres a German, an Italian and a Polish guy. They happen to bump into each other in the middle of their respective exiles in the desert. Each was allowed to carry one item into the desert with them to make it bearable. The Italian and the Pole look at the German and ask, "what did you bring with you"? The German responds, "I brought a canteen of water so I can quench my thirst." The German and Pole then ask the Italian the same. The Italian responds, "I brought an umbrella to block the suns' glare." The German and Italian then look at the Polish guy, who's carrying a car door. "Why the hell are you carrying a car door?", they ask.
The Polish guy snorts in disgust at them and answers, "When I get hot I can roll the window down."
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a Senator from New York, and a potential future president.
And I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, Wesley Clark, said, "I'm a General in the Army of the United States of America". I also plan to be my party's nominee for President. So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life,and served my
country well, I will sacrifice my life and le you have the last parachute."
The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
Baghdad TV-Guide
MONDAYS:
7:30 The Mohammed Bunch
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
10:00 Allah McBeal
TUESDAYS:
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right
9:00 Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 U.S. Military Secrets Revealed
8:30 When Kurds Attack
9:00 Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah
9:30 Just Shoot Me
10:00 Veilwatch
THURSDAYS:
8:00 Matima Loves Chachi
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdad's
10:00 Diagnosis: Heresy
FRIDAYS:
8:00 Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot
8:30 Only Our Will and Grace From God Can Keep Us From Touching Each
other
9:00 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things
9:30 Iraqi's Funniest Home Invasions
10:00 Achmed's Creek
11:00 Matlock