OT:jokes from my inbox...

[srd....]

English for the English abroad

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. - Here speeching American

[srd....]

Talking Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite"

[srd....]

talking clock

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "YOU F*CK ING AS*HOLE....IT'S TEN PAST THREE IN THE MORNING!"

[srd....]

video this time,Ronaldo, el miraculo
(http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/ronaldo-toy-p1.php)

[mother_goose]

Sorry... couldn't resist. Scouser reference and all that :D

-----
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that,
despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show,
Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun." So they went
back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and
had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If
you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can
have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left
hand and ma wullie in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay."

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex
than before. Then Sean says "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let
me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have
to.......I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again.

No problem hun."

Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely
mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a
cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one
hand and yer willie in the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replie "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
scouser, she stole ma wallet !"

[srd....]

love it M.G. :D

[cooldude]

*BUMP*

From the rivalries thread...
Arsene Wenger,Sir Alex Ferguson and Jose Mourhino all go to Heaven the same day

Sir Alex tells The Lord he is the most successful manager in England and describes all the trophies he has won in 20 years at the helm..........The Lord allows Sir Alex to sit at his right hand

Arsene Wenger explains to God that he is the most successful manager in Arsenal's glorious history and God says ......""Arsene, you may sit at my left hand""

Jose Mourhino approaches The Lord Almighty and yells.........."""Hey Senor !! get outta ma seat """

[cooldude]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around and eventually stops at a pub to try a pint or two of English beer. He continues sight-seeing and after a while, finds himself in a very high class area. Large stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He desperately needs to go, after all those pints of beer. He sees a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings, and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby who says, "You can't do that here sir!"

"I'm very sorry officer," replies the American, "but I really HAVE TO GO!, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah," said the bobby, "just follow me!" He leads him into the back alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby, "Whizz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured lawns, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British Hospitality?'"


"No sir", replied the bobby, "It's what we call the French Embassy".

[cooldude]

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden.....POOF !

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter
for your toast for the rest of your life.......As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!! Then POOF!......she was gone !

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the p_ussywillows."

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING !"

[cooldude]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

[cooldude]

Three football fans are trying to get into Heaven at the entrance to St Peter's pearly gates

The first is a ManYoo fan who claims his team are the best in the world and were the 1st English club to win the European Cup .....St Peter goes and advises God and The Almighty One lets the United fan in

The next is a Real Madrid fan who advises St Peter his team were actually the 1st winners of the European Champions trophy (or EC as it was back then) and after a consulation with God the Madrid fan is allowed into Heaven

The third is a Scouser who follows Liverpool and he tells St Peter about his teams' 5 EC titles and the days of Paisley,Rush,Barnes,Dalgleish,Hansen,Lawrenson,Keegan etc ........St Peter tells him to hang on a minute while he goes to chat with God........God says ""Of course he can come in,everyone in the world has heard of Liverpool FC""..........

When St Peter goes back ...the pearly gates have gone.:D

[cooldude]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

[cooldude]

A man with a chronic stutter was romancing his fiancee on her parents' porch on a warm summer night

The man couldn't help notice the family dog lying around on the lawn and the mut was busy scratching it's back

The man tries his best to speak ....."""Whh Whh Whh WHEN We....We. We.... WE ahhhhhhh ahhhhhhh aahhhhhhhhhhh ARE mur mur mur.......MARRIED ,der der DEAR........oi ...oi....oi..... I AM .ger......ger ger ger GONNA le..le.le.. LET YOU .....(he takes another breath) der..... der ...der der DO thar...thar THAT ter ...ter... ter.......TO mmm! mmm! ME"""

By the time his fiancee looked around the dog was licking it's @rse-hole

[cooldude]

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You b*strd!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

[cooldude]

A little boy walks into his parents room and sees his mom bouncing up and down on top of his dad.

Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worrying about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Daddy doing?"

The mother replies "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." says the boy.

"Why is that?" asks his Mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

[cooldude]

A little girl attends her first ever church wedding with her mother. While sitting and watching the whole process, she whispers to her mother: "Why is the bride in all white?" Her mother thinks for a while then replies, "Because white represents happiness, and this is the most happiest day of her life." The girl nods and then concentrates on the wedding again. After a while she asks, "Why is the man in black then?"

[cooldude]

John was moderately successful in his career of choice, but as he got older, he was increasingly hampered by remarkably painful headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. The doctor said, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that I can cure your headaches. However, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. That pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

John was of course, both shocked and depressed. He started wondering if he even had anything to live for at that point. Yet, he immediately decided that he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his headaches had vanished and his mind was finally clear. But naturally, he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he felt like an entirely different person. And so, as he walked past a men's clothing store, he thought, "I'll buy a new suit. Maybe that will cheer me up."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

John laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," said the salesman. John tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As John admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

John thought for a moment and said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed John and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."

John was once again surprised. "That's exactly right. How did you know?"

"It's my job," said the salesman, very matter of factly. John tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

As John adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

John was on a roll by this point and said, "Well, sure."

The salesman eyed John's feet and said, "Let's see... nine and a half... wide."

John was astonished. "That's right... How did you know?"

"It's my job," said the salesman. John tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

As John walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "Well, how about some new underwear?"

John hesitated for a second and said, "Um, sure!"

The salesman stepped back and eyed John's waist. "Let's see..." he said, "size 36."

John laughed, "No, you are wrong. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head. "No, you can't wear size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[cooldude]

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

[cooldude]

Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wan.ker.

[cooldude]

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.

In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.

All he kept saying was, "Darling, I`ve got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!"