OT:jokes from my inbox...

[srd....]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v348/dragona/i-response.gif

[mother_goose]

$2.00 Sausage

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking but they only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.

Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.

Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" and with that they downed their drinks.

Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk all for free.

At the tenth bar Bob said, "Larry - I don 't think I can do this anymore.
My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"

[srd....]

A head joke

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head

[Riz]

$2.00 Sausage

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking but they only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.

Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.

Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" and with that they downed their drinks.

Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk all for free.

At the tenth bar Bob said, "Larry - I don 't think I can do this anymore.
My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"

LMFAO

I love it. :D

[fedwood]

Whats the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until you are 13 before it comes on your face

[fedwood]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."


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How to Poop at Work

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

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train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls
and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the
pearly gates pass St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you
ever had contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well
I once touched with the tip of my finger...
" St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you
ever had contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies,
"Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls,
one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches
the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the
rush?"

The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that
Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ass in it!"

[srd....]

BIRD FLU CURE FOUND....

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v348/dragona/image001.jpg

[fedwood]

A lesson for the ladies.

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the
shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which
you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Unfortunately, both of you have forgotten your purses. Of course, it would be totally rude to push in front of the
first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop
and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk past the other shopper and buy the shoes. At a pinch, she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, whilst it is in flight, you could nip around the other shopper,
catch the purse and buy the shoes.

The key is to remember that until the purse has actually been thrown,
it would be plain wrong to push in front of the other shopper.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Congratulations - You have just learned the offside rule!

[johno]

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Good shit... I was wondering if it was sports related all along. I was thinking pass interfearance though :)

[srd....]

Toast

A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of
the
night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over

couple of beers.

One questions the other two, "Listen, it's our wedding night and I was
wondering - how many times are we expected to...um...you know.... do
it".

Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and
see
how
the night goes, with the idea to mee up the following morning over
breakfast to discuss what went on. Suddenly one of the grooms pipes
up,
"Hold on lads, we can't discuss our first night marital goings on over
the
breakfast table with our new wives sat with us."

"No you're right. What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we
order
with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it", offers
another
groom. They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.

The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a
bit
dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely
stagger across the room to their tables. The waitress comes up to the
first
groom to take his order "Hello, I'll have the full English breakfast
with
THREE pieces of toast please".

The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in

toast to his fantastic prowess.

The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I too
shall
have the full English breakfast, but could I have FOUR piece of toast"

The waitress gets to the last groom "I shall also have the full
English
breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep breath "SEVEN,
yes
SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's benefit whilst giving a
big
cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at
the
thought how raw this old chap must be.

"Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress.
"Why, that's an awful lot"
"Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is "
She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave,
the
groom calls after her again.

"And by the way love, can you make two of those brown?

[yasik19]

jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz:D

[srd....]

http://i1.tinypic.com/rw6q3a.jpg

[yasik19]

Chelsea lion.

[srd....]

9 things i hate about everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid €12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[srd....]

Chelsea lion.

really???
trippy man!!!
:D

[srd....]

Farmer Joke.

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will
lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep
himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out
into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are
all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take,
and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them
out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning
home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out
of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are
lying in the grass.

"No", she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn"

[srd....]

Blind pilots

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aircraft aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses. one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin. but the men enter the cockpit. The door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke, but none is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment. the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know. John, one of these days they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die"

[yasik19]

Blind pilots

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aircraft aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses. one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin. but the men enter the cockpit. The door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke, but none is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment. the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know. John, one of these days they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die"

ha ha ha:D

[Dave_M]

What do you see?

He's not the messiah, hes a very naughty boy

[Bluto11]

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, rebadged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.