OT:jokes from my inbox...

[yasik19]

those effing mother-in-laws. :D

[srd....]

those effing mother-in-laws. :D
those effing mothers mate,talk about being OWNED in real life.

MAN DATES GAL ON INTERNET FOR SIX MONTHS - AND IT TURNS OUT SHE'S HIS MOTHER!
Friday December 9, 2005
By Grace Green

MARSEILLES, France - Skirt-chasing playboy Daniel Anceneaux spent weeks talking with a sensual woman on the Internet before arranging a romantic rendezvous at a remote beach - and discovering that his on-line sweetie of six months was his own mother!

"I walked out on that dark beach thinking I was going to hook up with the girl of my dreams," the rattled bachelor later admitted. "And there she was, wearing white shorts and a pink tank top, just like she'd said she would.

"But when I got close, she turned around - and we both got the shock of our lives. I mean, I didn't know what to say. All I could think was, 'Oh my God! it's Mama!'"

But the worst was yet to come. Just as the mortified mother and son realized the error of their ways, a patrolman passed by and cited them for visiting a restricted beach after dark.

"Danny and I were so flustered, we blurted out the whole story to the cop," recalled matronly mom Nicole, 52. "The policeman wrote a report, a local TV station got hold of it - and the next thing we knew, our picture and our story was all over the 6 o'clock news. "People started pointing and laughing at us on the street - and they haven't stopped laughing since."

The girl-crazy X-ray technician said he began flirting with normally straitlaced Nicole - who lives six miles away in a Marseilles suburb - while scouring the Internet for young ladies to put a little pizzazz in his life.

"Mom called herself Sweet Juliette and I called myself The Prince of Pleasure, and unfortunately, neither one of us had any idea who the other was," said flabbergasted Daniel.

"The conversations even got a little racy a couple of times.

"But I really started to fall for her, because there seemed to be a sensitive side that you don't see in many girls.

"She sent me poems she had written and told me about her dreams and desires, and it was really very romantic.

"The truth is, I got to see a side of my mom I'd never seen before. I'm grateful for that."

When starry-eyed Daniel asked Sweet Juliette to send him a picture, Nicole e-mailed him a photo of a curvy, half-clad cutie she'd scanned from a men's magazine.

"The girl in the picture was so beautiful, I begged Juliette to meet me on the beach - and Mom said yes," he recalled. "Mom says she was falling for me, too, and she just wanted to meet me, even though she knew I'd be disappointed when I saw her.

"As for me, I figured I was going to find the girl of my dreams.

"I guess that's about as wrong as I've ever been."

Daniel admits he and his mother could do little but stammer and stutter around each other for days after their cyberspace exploits came to light. And his father Paul - Nicole's husband of 27 years - wasn't too happy when the story hit the news and his beer-drinking buddies made him the butt of their jokes.

"Dad was ticked for a while and he forbid Mom to talk to anybody on the Internet ever again," said embarrassed Daniel.
linky (http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/news/wwn/20051209/113414040002.html)
**********************************************************
ohh those wacky french.... :D

[yasik19]

Wow! I guess Freud was right about the Oedipuis complex.

[Clan]

New State law in Alabama.

When you divorce your wife, she is still your Sister.

:D

[srd....]

Empire State Jump

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first guy turns to the other one and says, "You know, last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense it carries you back into the window."
The Bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing. The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way that could happen!"

"No, it's true" said the first guy. "Let me prove it to you". He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the wind whips him in the window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The second guy is astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but it must've been a fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again" says the first man as he jumps. Again, just his body hurtles towards the street, the wind whips him into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, what the heck" the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try." He jumps over the balcony and rapidly plunges downwards - his body hits the pavement with a loud splat.

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says "You know, Superman, you're a real bastard when you're pissed."

**********************************************************

Lone Ranger Joke

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

[Clan]

Jokes on Bigsoccer..

http://www.bigsoccer.com/forum/showthread.php?t=284831

:D:D:D

[yasik19]

Jokes on Bigsoccer..

http://www.bigsoccer.com/forum/showthread.php?t=284831

:D

that's just mean.
:D

[srd....]

This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. The employee was consiquently fired after the incident (now I know why they record these conversations!).

Helpline: "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

Client: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Helpline: "What sort of trouble?"

Client: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Helpline: "Went away?"

Client: "They disappeared."

Helpline: "Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Client: "Nothing."

Helpline: "Nothing?"

Client: "It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."

Helpline: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

Client: "How do I tell?"

Helpline: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

Client: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Helpline: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Client: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Helpline: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

Client: "What's a monitor?"

Helpline: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV." "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

Client: "I don't know."

Helpline: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

Client: "Yes, I think so."

Helpline: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

Client: "Yes, it is."

Helpline: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

Client: "No."

Helpline: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Client: "Okay, here it is."

Helpline: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Client: "I can't reach."

Helpline: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

Client: "No."

Helpline: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

Client: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Helpline: "Dark?"

Client: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Helpline: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Client: "I can't."

Helpline: "No? Why not?"

Client: "Because there's a power failure."

Helpline: "A power............a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

Client: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Helpline: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Client: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Helpline: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Client: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Helpline: "Tell them you're too fcuking stupid to own a computer!!!"

[srd....]

Husband Superstore.

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went."

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."

[srd....]

Advice for the cerebrally disadvantaged


DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to switch tracks, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog poos in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

CRIMINALS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at a 90-degree angle, wrapped in a baby mattress, in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid time-consuming job interviews by immediately tossing 90 percent of the applicants' CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 note to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house while you're asleep by simply moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables are usually hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a "cry for help", simply shout "Help!", thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the ocean.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

[srd....]

Abbott And Costello Computer Sketch...


If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who' s on First?" might have turned out something like this:



COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT:



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?



COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.



ABBOTT: Mac?



COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.



ABBOTT: Your computer?



COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.



ABBOTT: Mac?



COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.



ABBOTT: What about Windows?



COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?



ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?



COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?



ABBOTT: Wallpaper.



COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.



ABBOTT: Software for Windows?



COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?



ABBOTT: Office.



COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?



ABBOTT: I just did.



COSTELLO: You just did what?



ABBOTT: Recommend something.



COSTELLO: You recommended something?



ABBOTT: Yes.



COSTELLO: For my office?



ABBOTT: Yes.



COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?



ABBOTT: Office.



COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!



ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.



COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?



ABBOTT: Word.



COSTELLO: What word?



ABBOTT: Word in Office.



COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.



ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.



COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?



ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."



COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?



ABBOTT: Money.



COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?



ABBOTT: Money.



COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?



ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.



COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?



ABBOTT: Money.



COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?



ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.



COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?



ABBOTT: One copy.



COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?



ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.



COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?



ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!



A few days later:



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?



COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?



ABBOTT: Click on "START"

:)

[yasik19]

:d Lol

[BridgeMonkee]

Old Jokes Home:
Q: Did you hear about the Dyslexic pimp?
A: He bought a warehouse.

[Riz]

Old Jokes Home:
Q: Did you hear about the Dyslexic pimp?
A: He bought a warehouse.

Ha! I like this one. :D

[srd....]

Viz readers share their profound thoughts

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.
John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?
Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les, Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.
Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A thought for the day!!!!

old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,pokeing me in the ribs and cackling,telling me "oh i guess your next".they stoped after i started doing the same thing to them at funerals.........

[srd....]

Helpful handy tips

Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain And check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next ciggie from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

[BridgeMonkee]

Jacques Chirac, the French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office
wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the US <st1:country-region w:st="on"></st1:country-region> when
his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy
O'Kirby down at the Harp Pub in <st1 =""><st1:city w:st="on">Sligo</st1:city>, <st1:country-region w:st="on">Ireland</st1:country-region></st1>. I am ringing to
inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy O'Kirby," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,
me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team
from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand
men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

"Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.

Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks
and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to
one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified
Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air
missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two
hundred thousand!"!

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints,
and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand
prisoners.:eek:

[Davva]

A chap is trying to drive through Manchester but is stuck in traffic that is at a standstill.
He is wondering what the hold up is when he sees a policeman carrying a bucket and walking between the traffic and talking to the vehicle occupants.

When the policeman gets close enough the chap leans out of the window and asks what the hold up is.

The plod says, "It's Sir Alex. He's hacked off with not having any money to spend in the transfer market so is lying in the road and threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself alight if the board don't give him some cash. So I'm trying to help by having a whip round"

The chap says, "I see. How much have you got so far?"

The policeman glances down at the bucket and says, "Oh...About 3 gallons"

[yasik19]

A chap is trying to drive through Manchester but is stuck in traffic that is at a standstill.
He is wondering what the hold up is when he sees a policeman carrying a bucket and walking between the traffic and talking to the vehicle occupants.

When the policeman gets close enough the chap leans out of the window and asks what the hold up is.

The plod says, "It's Sir Alex. He's hacked off with not having any money to spend in the transfer market so is lying in the road and threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself alight if the board don't give him some cash. So I'm trying to help by having a whip round"

The chap says, "I see. How much have you got so far?"

The policeman glances down at the bucket and says, "Oh...About 3 gallons"

hillarious :D

[srd....]

A Prawn's Story.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten"

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back, so lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). :o

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain the torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian."