America's Next Top Model - Season 5 [R]

[billreeves]

All right everyone, it's time for the new season of America's Next Top Model.

As with last season (http://www.bigsoccer.com/forum/showthread.php?t=173114), I will be providing the BigSoccer community with a weekly update on the UPN TV show "America's Next Top Model (http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/)" as a public service. Basically, I'm Watching America's Next Top Model, So You Don't Have To (tm). That's my catchphrase and I'm sticking to it.

My wife makes me watch it when we go over to a friends' house for dinner on Wednesday nights. I'm missing Lost for this - thank God for Tivo.

First, I apologize for the delay in getting this thread started -- the season has already been going on for a few weeks, but I only just got caught up this week.

Here's some background on the show. I'll start on the episode summaries for the episodes aired so far a little later.

America's Next Top Model is a reality competition show, where a number of model wannabes compete against each other, and the best is awarded a modeling contract. It is hosted by Tyra Banks, who has spent a lot of time recently denying she has breast implants. She is assisted by two gay men named Jay who try to teach the wannabes some model-related stuff. The models all live together in a house in the Los Angeles area. Every week, they have a competition in some model-related activity (for example, practicing a runway walk) where the winner gets a small reward (for example, going to a spa), and have a photo shoot with a theme. The pictures are usually bizarre. And then every week the wannabes go before a panel of judges which consists of Tyra, 60s supermodel Twiggy, one of the gay Jays, a fashion photographer with a British accent, and a guest judge, and a wannabe is eliminated.

Some frequently asked questions about this show:

Where are the hot chicks at?

This show is not about hot chicks. Models can be hot, but not all models are hot. Some of the wannabes are not hot. So if you're here to see hot chicks, I hear you can find that kind of stuff elsewhere on the Internet.

What do you mean, models aren't necessarily hot?

These are high fashion models. High fashion models have a specific body type which us normal people would usually describe as "anorexic." They are supposed to be tall, very skinny, have little to no bust -- the clothes which they model are designed for this type of body. So you won't see a lot of voluptuous curves on these chicks. The exception is the token plus-size model -- for some reason, they include a plus-size model in the competition, and then cruelly eliminate her when it's obvious that none of the clothes are designed for her. The plus-size model has a body type which the rest of us would usually describe as "normal."

Then what's the point of the show?

Did I mention that my wife makes me watch it? ANTM is at its most entertaining when the wannabe models bitch about each other. I will be bringing special focus on these scenes in the episode summaries.

So there's your introduction to Season 5 of America's Next Top Model.

[billreeves]

This post summarizes the first three episodes of the season. The episode that was on last night (October 12) was the fourth episode (actually, the fifth, I'm ignoring the first episode which was how they chose their 13 finalists from the dozens of people who applied to be on the show). Rather than putting together one post per episode, when not very much exciting stuff happened, here are the contestants who were eliminated in the first three episodes along with some notes of interesting things they did before they were gone.

I'm not going to include pictures of all of them, but in some cases I will when it will help explain things.

Ashley, 22, from Fort Lauderdale, FL. She works in a fashion boutique and she knows a lot about the industry -- unlike most of the other wannabes. That didn't help her much as she was eliminated in the first

Ebony, 18, from Sylmar, CA. She was still in high school when she auditioned for this show. I thought she was somewhat attractive, but she was eliminated in the second episode.

Cassandra, 19, from Houston, TX. She was a Texas beauty pageant winner. Whatever stereotypes you think of when you hear "Texas beauty pageant winner," that's her. She had some interesting contributions to ANTM before she left the show in the third episode. Here's how she looked at the start of the show:

http://wwwimage.upn.com/shows/top_model5/images/models/portfolio_cassandra.jpg (http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/models/model_portfolio.php?d=cassandra)

In the second episode, everyone gets a makeover. Well, everyone except Ashley who got eliminated in the first episode. Tyra tells each contestant how she imagines they should look in order to be successful as a fashion model. So of course she tells the Texas beauty pageant winner, we're going to cut off your hair and dye it blonde -- you'll look like Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby (http://www.probertencyclopaedia.com/j/Mia%20Farrow.jpg):

This caused some celebration among the other contestants, who were already tired of the Texas beauty pageant winner's bossy attitude. So she cries -- it's usually one of the highlights of ANTM for me when one of the models cries -- but she gets her hair cut short anyways. And she doesn't look so bad (sorry about the image width on this one):

http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/images/models/cassandra/07.jpg

So the next week, Tyra says, well, we wanted it even shorter, so you're going to get it cut again. The Texas beauty pageant winner thinks about it and says no. One of the gay Jays kicks her off the show. Now, maybe there's some reason why she was willing to get the first eight inches cut off but refused to get the last inch cut off, but it doesn't make sense to me. It makes me think she's pretty stupid. Fortunately, another one of the highlights of ANTM for me is the feeling of intellectual superiority, so I'm pretty happy with this episode. So anyways, Cassandra the Texas beauty pageant winner is gone in the third episode.

Sarah, 18, from, uh, Boonville, MO it says here. According to Google Maps, Boonville is just off I-70 in the middle of Missouri. So, small town girl. She was attractive, had nice big pouty lips, but clumsy. She did not have a lot of practice walking in high heels, so pretty much every competition, she would stumble.

She also shared some lesbian smooches with another contestant, Kim. Here's pictures for you to imagine this: Sarah:

http://wwwimage.upn.com/shows/top_model5/images/models/portfolio_sarah.jpg (http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/models/model_portfolio.php?d=sarah)

Kim:

http://wwwimage.upn.com/shows/top_model5/images/models/portfolio_kim.jpg (http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/models/model_portfolio.php?d=kim)

Kim is an actual lesbian from New York City. Sarah is a small-town girl from Missouri who never met a lesbian before becoming a contestant on ANTM. Add alcohol and a hot tub, and I'm sure you've seen a movie somewhere with that plot.

Anyways, Sarah got eliminated in the third episode (they still had an elimination even though Cassandra the Texas beauty pageant winner got kicked off the show) because of her inability to walk in high heels.

So that's the main stuff that happened in the first three episodes. There are some other contestants who did some other stuff but we'll cover that in the future episode summaries. Until then, I'm Watching America's Next Top Model, So You Don't Have To (tm).

[billreeves]

So here's what happened in the fourth episode of America's Next Top Model. With this, you'll be all caught up, and the regular updates will come on Thursday or Friday of each upcoming week, unless, God willing, my eyes are plucked from my skull.

The models are back in their house, and they decide it would be fun to take some topless pictures. Don't get your hopes up, it was all pixellated out. The photographer is Diane, who is this year's token "plus-size" model, also known as the one who isn't emaciated.

http://wwwimage.upn.com/shows/top_model5/images/models/portfolio_diane.jpg (http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/models/model_portfolio.php?d=diane)

Diane is 23 years old, from Orlando. She is Puerto Rican and when she talks, she sounds like Rosie Perez in "Do the Right Thing," or like "Jennifer Lopez" from that South Park episode with Cartman's hand puppet. She does not want to take her top off, because she has breasts, unlike the rest of the contestants, and she feels self-conscious about them. So she volunteers to be the photographer.

After that brief moment of titillation... see, topless, titillation... it's a pun. Never mind. After that, there is an argument between two of the models. While this does not reach catfight status, the previews for next week's episode look like they are heading in that direction, which is good, because catfights are one of the other highlights of ANTM for me.

Lisa is 24 years old, from Los Angeles. She tends to drink and give unwanted advice to the other models -- since she is the oldest (in model years, 24 is like 60), she feels that she has more life experience and can tell the other contestants how to improve themselves. The thing is, the other contestants don't want to hear it. Lisa comes across as a know-it-all bitch.

Coryn is 19 years old, from Minneapolis. When she first came on the show, she had some serious eyebrows (which you can see here (http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/models/model_portfolio.php?d=coryn)), but since they got their makeovers in the second episode, she looks a lot better.

So Lisa tells Coryn that she should stop working out, because some of the judges have commented in previous eliminations that she's very muscular. Coryn basically tells Lisa to leave her the hell alone. Later in the episode, Lisa almost ended up crying because of this. While the argument was not that significant, I am holding out hope for a catfight next week.

Some other stuff happened, which was not very interesting, and then Diane was eliminated, because she's the token plus-size model. I'm surprised she lasted this long. Last year, the token plus-size model was eliminated first. This time, they had to get rid of the stumble-footed bi-curious small town girl and the Texas beauty pageant queen who wouldn't cut off all of her hair first, thereby raising Diane's hopes that she could be America's Next Top Model, only to have them dashed when she was eliminated in the fourth episode.

So now you're all caught up. Until the next episode, I'm Watching America's Next Top Model, So You Don't Have To (tm).

[speedcake]

keep up the good work

[servotron]

Bill, I watch the show religiously, and still I love reading your recaps! Bravo!

[JimmyJax]

hahah thanks for the recaps
I am going to have to get cable tv installed. they don't show it on free to air tv in australia only cable.
I remember seeing one series a while back and it's actually a pretty entertaining show.
does anyone know if Tyra Banks still getting nailed by Chris Webber?

[billreeves]

Bump. New episode tonight -- I bet someone's going to call someone else a bitch!

[servotron]

I hope they dress everyone up in crazy theme-costumes/makeup/hair and shoot some weird larger than life scenes!

[servotron]

Welp..there goes my 3rd place pick :(

I just HAD to root for the hometown girl.

At my office my team watches the show, and we all pick our 1st 2nd 3rd after the first episode, based on speculation, looks, and potential. I've got:

Jayla, Kim, Coryn

I was doing well until last night!

[billreeves]

I didn't think Coryn was going to make it very far -- too immature.

I was picking Nik, but she screwed the pooch in last night's episode. Completely lost her poise. Now I think it's Jayla out in front, with Kyle and Nicole as dark horses.

Episode recap coming later today!

[servotron]

Nicole is anything but a "dark" horse.. :D

She's not bad looking, but she's way to whitebread to be Top Model. She might make it to 4th place if she really excells, but she doesn't have the personality to make it further. Jayla is pretty much just damn good looking, and has enough personality to make it all the way, she will just have to play her cards right. Kim will also have to do the same. She's spunky and cute enough to do it but she needs to really do everything right to fulfill my prophecy of 2nd place. Nik, I dunno about her. I don't think she's all that attractive, though I actually didn't think Coryn was either. The only girls who I actually can say I find attractive and might qualify as "my type" is Jayla.

[billreeves]

Well, as teased by servotron and myself, another exciting episode of America's Next Top Model came and went last night. And I'm sure you will be shocked to learn that someone did, in fact, call someone else a bitch.

If you remember from last week, there was a little spat between know-it-all bossy Lisa and immature Coryn. This was escalated into a full fledged argument in this week's episode, although tragically there was no catfight. However, Coryn did end the argument by calling Lisa an alcoholic bitch. Shocked silence after that devastating blow. It hurts because it's true -- Lisa has been drinking a lot of wine, going so far as to pass out by the pool one night. However, in a discussion with Tyra, she said that her drinking was not a problem. What's that? Something about a river in Egypt?

The other highlight this week was a new feud between Jayla and Nik.

Jayla is 20 years old, from Tucson AZ, and possibly the most attractive of the remaining contestants:

http://wwwimage.upn.com/shows/top_model5/images/models/portfolio_jayla.jpg (http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/models/model_portfolio.php?d=jayla)

Nik is 21 years old, from Atlanta GA, and I was picking her to win because I thought she had the most poise of the remaining contestants... but not so much after this week:

http://wwwimage.upn.com/shows/top_model5/images/models/portfolio_nik.jpg (http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/models/model_portfolio.php?d=nik)

The competition this week was to do a brief commercial shoot, a photo shoot and a brief interview, for a new <product> from <sponsor>. (I'm censoring out the product placements because they're all products for chicks so therefore hold no interest for most members of BigSoccer. Just think of some crappy thing your wife/girlfriend asks you to buy which you are ashamed to have in your cart at the store.)

For the commercial, each model is supposed to read from a script, and then insert their own "secret". So all these models, who don't have a lot of experience in front of a camera, are all really nervous. And they're having a hard time coming up with their "secrets". So Nik comes up with her secret: "I'm afraid of the dark, and I sleep with a nightlight on." And Jayla's secret is "I'm afraid of the dark."

But when Jayla shoots her commercial, she changes it to "I sleep with a nightlight on." That bitch stole Nik's secret!

Nik gets really flustered by this. Really. She can't concentrate and she totally screws up her commerical shoot. Look, ladies, nobody cares what your ********ing secret is. It's just a prop for this commercial. Just make some ******** up. But Nik really thought that by having the same secret as Jayla, she would be seen as a copycat.

And then, instead of going and confronting Jayla about it, Miss Passive Agressive starts to give her the cold shoulder. Just ignores her. Jayla is bothered by this, until she figures out why Nik is ignoring her, at which point she decides that she now hates Nik with the passion of a thousand burning suns -- I haven't quire figured out why she's so angry -- maybe she was feeling a little guilty about stealing Nik's secret and is now lashing out. But she also does not want to confront Nik about this.

So now we have these two chicks in this house who are seething with anger towards each other. I'm really hoping this turns into a catfight next week.

Anyways, Lisa did really well in the commercial competition, so next week she will probably be super cocky, and Coryn gets eliminated because her commercial sucked. Until next week, I'm Watching America's Next Top Model, So You Don't Have To (tm).

[Matt in the Hat]

Is Kim cursed? Anyone she tries to hook up with gets kicked off the show the next week.

[servotron]

That's right! Kim however is starting to show for herself, and that's good, as I have her picked as my second place finish.

However Jayla, while cute as hell, is starting to seem like bittch, and that's no good..I don't see her recoverring from her constant barrage of personal jabs at people. That'll bite her in what little ass she has.

[billreeves]

Guys, are you paying attention? I’m Watching America’s Next Top Model, So You Don’t Have To (tm). Or, are your wives making you watch too? In that case, I’m sorry.

For the rest of you, here’s the update from this week’s ANTM.

Remember how last week ended with the promise of a potential catfight between Jayla and Nik? Nothing happened. Jayla continued to be kind of a bitch in her confessionals (that's a reality-tv-show word for when the contestants speak alone with the camera and divulge their innermost thoughts), but no fights or arguments. Boo.

The models are told to go to a boot camp, but it’s a clever trick by Tyra to get them to crawl around in the mud and get dirty. Some of the models are not pleased, because mud is icky. Others have some fun with it. Lisa is the muddiest, and Nik forgot to tie up her sweat pants so she flashed everyone as she went through the course.

Immediately after, they are taken to a "go-see" -- that’s where the models go to a designer to interview for a modeling job. But you see, the models are still covered in mud, so it's a test of their self-confidence and how effective they can be interviewing for a job while they are not at their best. Lisa does not let the mud bother her, and she is her perky, bubbly, cocky self, so she wins. (I forget what she won, and it doesn't really matter.)

In the house, Kim and Kyle are getting close. Not that kind of close, you get your minds out of the gutter right now. Kim, as you know, is the lesbian from New York City, who smooched the small town girl Sarah a few weeks ago. Kyle is 19 years old, from Dexter, MI -- according to the map that's on the outskirts of Ann Arbor, so I guess technically in the Detroit metropolitan area, but it's pretty far from the city center -- and she works at a Dairy Queen. No kidding.

http://wwwimage.upn.com/shows/top_model5/images/models/portfolio_kyle.jpg (http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/models/model_portfolio.php?d=kyle)

So here's Kim getting close to another (relatively) small town Midwestern girl. But nothing happened, they're just friends.

Later for their photo shoot, the models get dressed up like 40s pinup girls and pose with a <product> from <sponsor>. These photos were somewhat enjoyable for the male audience. They do not appear to be up on the ANTM website (http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/) yet, but if you're going to check out pictures from ANTM, these are probably as good as it gets.

Kim rocked the house. She looked great. Finally had a nice feminine look, although that was more due to hair and makeup and clothing than anything she did on her own.

Bre and Nicole were having trouble breathing with their corsets on.

Jayla, Nik and Lisa did fine. Jayla seems to have some funny thing she does with her pinky finger, it looks kind of like this:

http://www.vejgaardoestreskole.dk/klasser/7b/rasmusm/evil-pinky1.jpg

Kyle had kind of a vacant expression in her picture. She's very pretty but has not really shown much else beyond being pretty.

So she got sent home. She burst into tears, and went and hugged Kim.

So the score for this episode:
Catfights: none
Lesbian activity: none
Model calls another model a bitch: none that I can recall
Models forced into humiliating situation with mud: yes
Number of models who burst into tears: one

At least it wasn't a total loss.

Until next week, I'm Watching... oh, I already said that? Never mind then, see you next week.

[billreeves]

We're halfway through the show, from 13 models down to six. Time for revised predictions.

I think Lisa is a stone cold lock for second place. She is doing things right, but she looks too old to successfully become America's Next Top Model.

I think Jayla is going to win, but she has to learn how to be less of a bitch.

I think Kim will screw up and will be eliminated before the final three. She has been riding along on her unique androgenous look, and has not been very successful at being feminine when required. She had her best week this week, and now she's going to get overconfident and screw up and get eliminated in the next few weeks.

I think Bre and Nicole are too immature. I don't think either of them will make the final 3.

I think Nik will come in third, because that's the only spot left. She won't screw up like the other three but she can't beat Jayla or Lisa.

My wife thinks Kim will win, with Lisa in second. She thinks Jayla will screw up, the way that I think Kim will screw up, and get knocked out before the final three.

What do you think?

[servotron]

Kim definitely has the freshest face. But can she develop the "acting" ability on-camera to really let her unique look sell products?

[bostonsoccermdl]

Kyle is my top pick and Cassandra is another favorite of mine, if I were a judge...

[art]

you know the only thing that may eclipse my shock that there even is such a show is the fact that its apparently already run for 4 years.

where the ******** have i been...show me the hotties. :D

[Courtney]

I think my top 3 are Nik, Kim, and Jayla. I like Nicole too though, and as much as I hate Lisa there is something about her that makes her memorable and photogenic, though I think her non-picture look is kind of weird.