Substitions and Parents

[mzbrand]

I had a parent "incident" at my last game that I thought I'd get input from other coaches about. My U-9 rec team played a hard, hot game (95+ degrees, moderate humidity, light wind) with 11 on the field and 5 on the bench. Things went well until just before the half when a couple of girls complained of cramps and I immediately pulled them and told them to drink and rest. Shortly after the half I had five girls on the bench because of cramps or feeling sick, and another five or so on the field asking to be subbed (hydration was clearly an issue but I did the best I could and will plan better next time). For the rest of the game I played a delicate juggling act of deciding who really had to come out and who could stick it out, but I never felt like any player was seriously overheated.

When one of my better players asked to be subbed I told her I didn't have any subs but to drop back to our goal to rest (this was a light game for our defenders). She didn't do this and continued to play harder and more aggressively than all but a few other players. She was able to get water from the sideline and never slowed or complained of cramps. Because of this I never subbed her. After the game her father confronted me angrily telling me that I was not going to play his daughter an entire game ever again. He was so irate that he wouldn't discuss it and talked about taking her off the team. None of my assistants (including a doctor) had seen any problem, so I was pretty surprised by the reaction.

My biggest issue with the father's concern is that if only 11 players had shown up that day every player would have played the entire game (this happened last spring under the same conditions -- it's Texas after all). Although I will always make an exception if a parent asks (and he didn't until after the game), I don't see how I can gurantee any kind of generic player substitution. Another issue is that this particular player is the most natural soccer player I've ever seen and could have a real future as a competative player.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?

[Val1]

Hard, I know, to bring off your best player when abnormal heat and possible dehydration is wreaking havoc with your subbing. But, everyone needs to come off in those conditions. Especially if she's having trouble adjusting to "hanging back".

On a side note, on of the skills the very talented have to learn is to let the game to them, regardless of where they play. This could have been a good coachable moment in helping her realize she needs to slow down and compete for balls more judiciously.

As for the father, call him and apoloize. I'm not justifying his anger and poor example at the game, but he's the dad. Tell him you've heard his concerns, you want his daughter back (because she's such a pleasure to watch and coach) and you'll take them into account for the remainder of the season.

[DerbyRam54]

From my experience as a ref, until kids reach about 14 they aren't really able to gauge how they are feeling with respect to heat exhaustion and are prone to suddenly going into serious dehydration. I'm sure the medical experts can give chapter and verse on this, I'm just going on experience in the middle.
In a tournament this summer on a hot and humid day I talked to both teams before the game (U12 girls as I recall) and told them, with their coaches present, to get plenty of fluids and if they started to feel faint not to wait to be subbed, they had my permission to simply walk off the field. Ten minutes into the second half I had a kid unconscious with heat exhaustion, had to be taken to hospital. Both coaches agreed to terminate the game at that point as they each had players who were not feeling well.
You have to take the lead, play short if you have to, safety absolutely has to come first. Nobody will remember the score of the game, but if the result was a kid in hospital, that'll linger for a while.

[dadman]

Defintely call and apologize, and schedule a follow up at the next practice. Talk to both the parent and the player at drop-off or pickup (have someone else run drills/checkin while you take the time to do this); have the parent to ask his daughter about the situation while you both listen to her perspective on that day and that game. He's scared for his kid (and has likely very little physical knowledge of soccer playing and is interpolating from hot-weather gridiron days of his own.) He should be calmer after hearing his daughter, and at that remove from the actual game, maybe more willing to listen to your assurances that you would do nothing to place any player in physical danger. The safety and well-being of his daughter (and all the girls out there) is your greatest responsibility as their coach. Greater than winning, greater than losing.

One thing to consider discussing with this parent and the whole team right after is to play down a player. You said your team didn't have to do a lot of defending at the time; if you are up a goal or two and controling the game, pull a player and play a little more of a defensive/possession game. I'm sure that you realise that, as a coach, you're doing a lot more with these young people than just teaching them a game. :)

A personal story about the value of coaches:
As a twenty-two year old on an adult team without a coach, I played in 105° heat and 90% humidity one Washington Summer Day; we had only nine players against a side with three subs. At halftime, I found myself wandering the touchline and unable to account for the last ten minutes of the half. I found later that I'd sweated off about 18 pounds (I only weighed 125 at the time).

As I said, we had no coach. If we had, he'd have looked out for me better than I did myself. :o Call it stupidity, call it dedication, call it hubris; whatever. I wanted to play, and I didn't want to let the team forfiet. My teammates caught on after they caught their breath, got me into some shade and let me (slowly) drink some water.

Thankfully, the referee called off the game after an extended halftime break due to an unrelated traffic accident nearby (the MedEvac copter needed to use the field).

Listen to your players when they call to come off, but also look for the ones that will play past the resting point. From practices, you know pretty well what each one can take, even if it makes managing your bench sometimes difficult :rolleyes: I think you'll be OK: Keep their health first, and let their parents know this, and they will be reassured. Good luck.

[ctsoccer13]

You could always talk to the other coach and A) shorten the halves, B) agree to pull some players off the field and play shorthanded (but equal). On Sunday I played against a team with no subs. One girl on the other team had to be taken off due to asthma concerns. I pulled one of our girls off to keep it equal. It is rec after all.

[NHRef]

first off 11 v 11 at U9? Field is WAY to big for those little legs!

As already mentioned, play down a player or two, You had players asking to come off the field in a U-little rec game, get them off the field. Put in a different goalie to get a "fresh" set of legs, agree with coach/ref to play quarters not halfs, all of which can be done to help out on a hot humid day.

The parent is concerned over his child, rightfully so, your explaining that you had "no one to sub in" won't matter to him, and wouldn't to me, you had kids on the bench that could have been subbed, why more concern over them than his child? Not attacking you, just looking at it from his point of view.

rec programs are suppose to be non-competitive, you can play down, shorten teh game, introduce a "water" break etc etc etc, just agree with the other coach and do it.

[mzbrand]

I'm not sure that I've described the situation accurately. If I thought for any reason that I had overexerted they player I would certainly apologize and that would be the end of it. In fact I did apologize to the parent and told him if he ever had a concern let me know right away and I would immediately do what he wanted. But he wanted none of it.

I believe that the parent overreacted and that his response was inappropriate. Is it ok for a parent's first comment on an issue to be an angry tirade and a refusal to discuss the problem? With all of the time and effort I put in, have I not earned the right to be treated civily? I can't imagine any circumstance where I would treat anyone in that way, I don't want to be treated like that again, but I'm not sure how or even if I should address it.

[mzbrand]

first off 11 v 11 at U9? Field is WAY to big for those little legs!

I should collect all of the times someone has said that on this board and send it to our league. I don't know what they're thinking but that's the league rules and so far none of the other local leagues will let us bring over an entire team.

For what it's worth they did great. This was the first time we'd played a regulation field and team size and they did pretty well at holding shape and playing the full field (even one multiple give-and-go play which was amazing to watch). It's a shame that such a positive experience ended on a negative note.

[goyoureddevils]

Honestly, I think you handled it in the best way you knew how at the moment. If you could do it over again, sure, now you may have a few ideas what you would have done differently, but hindsight is 20/20.

As for the rest of you, I think the father is a coddling, meddling, egostistical fool who should let a coach do his job and discuss afterwards, civilly and away from everyone else what issues he may have. He does not have a right to dress down this man in front of the players, irradicating any respect they may have held for him, and setting an example that it is okay to speak to authority figures that way. He should be ashamed for his behavior, even if he meant well for his daughter. It is disgusting how seriously we take protecting our children from even the mildest of hurts. For god's sake there was a doctor on the side lines who thought it was all right. If all the daddys and mommys out there are going to react this way to every risk, then we are going to raise a generation of wimps. Sports is about overcoming fear and personal limits to win. This father was telling his daughter that it is okay to want to quit when she OBVIOUSLY was capable of running more! Sorry, but as a coach I will never tell a kid who I think can go farther that it is okay to quit or take a break. It is my job to see that they take responsability for their strengths and weaknesses, even if that means on a hot day that the player with more stamina will have to stay in and pace themselves a little to give her teamates time to recover.

Sorry, I could go on for awhile about this and I know that you are just not going to agree with me..... but you are not doing the kids any kind or service by letting them off the hook. And that parent would not be welcome on my team, talented daughter or not. I would tell him that he is welcome to go else where as long as he can find a coach he can bully around.

[dadman]

Hmm. mzbrand, thanks for clarifying the situation. From your first post, I thought you were caught with a parent frightened for his child's safety, but goyoureddevils makes it clear that it could be someone just going off and not willing to listen to you or your staff. I'd still suggest making sure he talked with his daughter sometime after, especially since he wouldn't listen to you, but there seems to be a different issue at play here.

So the question is how to handle an abusive parent? I've got little-to-no experience with that situation and can only suggest what you did: remain calm. He's not going to listen until he vents. Let him know that you've heard him, that you think his daughter has real talent but the decision to continue playing is between him and her, and that if he wants to continue the discussion at a later time, fine, but you can see he's upset but you will not be spoken to in that way. Then walk away.

If he continues verbally, tell him to call you later.
If he touches you, call the cops. Do not hesitate. Enlist every adult in the area, including the referee crew, as witnesses to what just happened and to contact the police. Tell him you can sort it out after the police arrive, but until then the conversation is over. If he stays, he'll be calm when the cops arrive and depending on him, you won't have to press any charges. If he leaves, you've lost the player. That's sad for her, for you and for the team, but you don't want someone like that on the sidelines, period.

Let's just hope that the heat got to him, that he'd missed his morning coffee, that he'd scratched his door in the parking lot, and that he's not normally like that. You're there, you know him and the situation better than I, but you need to make two things very clear to him:
You coach the team, which includes ensuring player safety.
You will not be addressed that way at the field. If he's got concerns, talk them out like an adult, but you will not be bullied.

It's a difficult dance. I agree that you did the right thing in the situation. Now there's the follow-up. Let us know how it turns out.

Oh, and you might pose this question (how to handle verbal attacks) on the Referee board; they deal with abusive parents quite a bit, and though they have other tools at their disposal to employ, they'll likely have some good suggestions on diffusing tense situations without accommodating the abuser.




And if they ask why you posted on their Board, you can blame me.

[mzbrand]

Thank you goyoureddevils. I think you've expressed exactly what I've really wanted to say. Although there have been several posts with good, or at least diplomatic advice, it still seems that I've been on the defensive when I find it hard to believe any coach would have acted differently, having seen what I saw. I have to admit that my first reaction was that I didn't need any player on my team badly enough to deal with this kind of reaction.

At tonight's practice several parents asked (nicely) about things like why there weren't more subs, etc. This troubles me because in our last spring game we played with no subs under nearly the same conditions (although with 4 quarters), and noone said anything then. We've also played indoor with halves and no subs. I'm afraid that this one parent has created a real problem for me.

But I still have to say that my girls played great in that game and I was very proud of them! It's a shame that I can't focus more on that.

[hiddink_magic]

Don't apologise just call the cops!

That so called abusive father has to be banned from watching his daughter play.

[Ray Luca]

Well you should have pulled everyone out at some point. You had subs you left the good one on the field because she was the best one. Her father might be right that was not in his daughters best interest was it?

During any stopage in play get them water a lot of short water breaks they should not over drink at any one time.

Have them drink a lot of water the day before the game and up to 3 hours before the game.

However, since the father wants the daughter never to play a whole game do that. Even if everything is fine and don't deviate from that if he ever asks why she is sitting. "You told me to do it" That's it then stop talking to him.
----------------
The main issue concerning the holding of the side called the "side stitch" seems to be fluid in take to close to game time imagine that.

Close being 2 hours before the game. Drink a lot all want a day before the game. Drink your water 3 hours before the game, probably can get away with two hours but not after. Especially if your are prone to getting them.

On another post someone advised if you do get it. Try this, raise the hand up on the same side as the stitch then bend the elbow so you can touch the top of your head. Then keep running them, and the pain will go away gradually.

I found dealing with older players that they would get it after a night of drinking alcohol the night before. I would give them a piece of sucking candy and it would go away. Have no idea why, but it worked.

So you might try both the hand up and a life saver, and don't drink a ton of water earlier then 3 hours before the match. During the match no prolonged drinking and no ice water. A lot of short drinking and wetting the head. A lot of small water breaks not big ones.

Let me know if any of this helps.

[EJDad]

I would also add that if the Dad had a real fear for his daughters safety he should have intervened WHILE THE GAME WAS GOING ON. Waiting 'til any possible damage from over exertion in the heat was done shows he just wanted to vent.
I am not letting my daughter do something I think is unreasonably dangerous, watch it happen from 50 feet away, and then yell at someone else for allowing it to happen. Either I really, legitimately, have a fear for my daughters safety and I intervene to make her safe NOW or I keep my mouth shut or at best, address the coach (civilly, calmly) later as my concerns. otherwise I am a blow hard jerk.

[mzbrand]

To follow up, I sent an apologetic email to the father and talked with him at the next practice. He said he wasn't as angry as it appeared, but....

I've asked one of the parents to be my sub coach and make sure that everyone gets breaks as much as possible. Today's game was hot again, but I think at least that part of it went smoothly. We were also in much better shape and didn't have the problem tiring out. I think the biggest problem we faced with the cramps in the first game was with players who had never played before and a couple who don't have strong constitutions. This was much better today.

As to water, we've practiced in Texas all summer long, so I take water breaks very seriously. I always give them frequent water breaks it's always my top priority. I did find out later that the ref was supposed to give them a water break on the quarters, so I'm sure that didn't help the situation.

But I'm still left with a problem. Several posters have said that everyone should get subbed during a game. But what would I do if I didn't have any subs?

Are you recommending that I play short to make sure someone is always on the bench if I have just enough players to fill the field?

[hiddink_magic]

To follow up, I sent an apologetic email to the father and talked with him at the next practice. He said he wasn't as angry as it appeared, but....

I've asked one of the parents to be my sub coach and make sure that everyone gets breaks as much as possible. Today's game was hot again, but I think at least that part of it went smoothly. We were also in much better shape and didn't have the problem tiring out. I think the biggest problem we faced with the cramps in the first game was with players who had never played before and a couple who don't have strong constitutions. This was much better today.

As to water, we've practiced in Texas all summer long, so I take water breaks very seriously. I always give them frequent water breaks it's always my top priority. I did find out later that the ref was supposed to give them a water break on the quarters, so I'm sure that didn't help the situation.

But I'm still left with a problem. Several posters have said that everyone should get subbed during a game. But what would I do if I didn't have any subs?

Are you recommending that I play short to make sure someone is always on the bench if I have just enough players to fill the field?
The father should have realised that it was probably a little too hot out there for his daughter. He wouldn't have wanted to see his daughter get dehydrated or come off with heatstroke which could be fatal.

[Ray Luca]

"But I'm still left with a problem. Several posters have said that everyone should get subbed during a game. But what would I do if I didn't have any subs?

Are you recommending that I play short to make sure someone is always on the bench if I have just enough players to fill the field?"

Actually I do practice playing short because of cards happened. It is also a mental thing playing short. Playing shory can effect your attack. It should not effect your defense.

So you have to pick and choice when you attack and who to attack.

You have to make your guys truly believe you can win playing less then 10 on the field. So when you play friendlies start the game playing with less then 11.

So yes I see nothing wrong in playing with less then 11 in certain instances. So in friendlies practice playing with less then 11 and counter attack using it.

[mzbrand]

But specifically, would you play short if you had 11 players?

[Ray Luca]

But specifically, would you play short if you had 11 players?

Depends on weather diffinately if that happens in a tournament for some reason.

[JohnW]

But I'm still left with a problem. Several posters have said that everyone should get subbed during a game. But what would I do if I didn't have any subs?

Are you recommending that I play short to make sure someone is always on the bench if I have just enough players to fill the field?

In the case of a regular game, I would play 11. My guess is at the U-9 rec level, you don't have too many defenders making long flank runs and serving crosses, so rotate from defense to midfield to forward for the players who are/seem tired.

I think the idea of playing 10 players in practice or in a scrimmage is to get players used to what happens if you are a player short. It's a good lesson, although I'm not sure it's necessary for U-9 rec.

In the case you described initially, I would play short. If a U-9 player on the field is complaining about cramping, I would play with 10, 9 or even 8 players. Again, it's U-9 rec.

If it's a recurrent theme, talk to the parents about a proper hydration strategy.