America's Next Top Model - Season 4 [R]

[billreeves]

Come on girls, you know you watch this so why not come out and admit it?

No? It's just me? Actually, my wife makes me watch it, I swear.

Some background: "America's Next Top Model" is a reality competition show along the lines of American Idol. Tyra Banks runs the thing, and has a couple of gay sidekicks who train the models, and then they have modeling challenges, and then someone gets eliminated every week for not being a good enough model. And the winner takes her place among the elite supermodels and becomes a household name -- I mean, everyone knows Adrienne Curry, Yoanna House, and Eva Pigford, who won America's Next Top Model 1-3, right? (I cheated, I had to look up their names.)

So last night was the first episode of season 4. It was model cutting day -- they invited 35 models to the final round of tryouts, and cut them down to 14 competitors for the show.

I learned two things about models from watching this show.

1. "Plus-size" is not an accurate term in the world of modeling. There were four or five of the 35 who were considered "plus-size" -- and while you may think that this means they were heavy, they were not at all. In fact, they looked much more normal than the stick figures that made up the remainder of the models. I mean, five or so of the 35 women invited to the final round had breasts and curves and actually looked like women. Skinny women, but actual women. The other 30 resembled walking coathangers -- I guess that's what they are, the fashion designers just hang clothes on them and send them down the runway. No sex appeal whatsoever.

And the show treated the "plus-size" models like crap, too. Four of them were eliminated in the first round when they went from 35 to 20, and the last one was eliminated when they cut down to 14. Why did they bother to invite them to the final round if they weren't going to let any of them onto the actual show?

2. Models have severe personality problems. A lot of them had troubled pasts (one of them was in a gang, another got married at 18 and had a kid before her husband left them and was homeless) and they are all so stressed out about this competition that they would start bawling at the slightest provocation. It looked like some of them were going to jump off a bridge when they didn't make the cut. Ladies, it's a reality TV show, not the end of your career -- go get a job, and maybe eat some food, and then figure out what you want to do with your life, because modelling looks like a very unpleasant occupation.

So anyways, as long as my Tivo is recording "Lost" and "Smallville", I will be stuck watching this crap with my wife and her friends on Wednesday nights at 8, so I'll be sure to provide weekly updates for the rest of you.

[billreeves]

Bump. I know you guys are waiting for this with even more bated breath than for scaryice's "Billboard Hot 100" thread update, so I won't keep you in suspense any longer. Here's the summary of last night's (3/9) episode of America's Next Top Model.

They are down to 14 stick figures, I mean models. First up is a photo shoot with a renowned photographer where the girls will be made up like "aliens" (just weird make up and clothes, not even any forehead ridges of whatever Star Trek is putting out these days), then the girls will get a makeover where their hair will be redone to a totally different style, and they don't get any say in what their hair will look like. After this, one of the models will be eliminated.

So when it's time to eliminate a model, the frontrunner was Brandy, who is an immature punk with an attitude problem. During the "alien" photo shoot, she got bored while waiting for her turn with the photographer, so when it was finally her turn, she whined about how the photographer was making her wait. Listen, missy, you models are a dime a dozen, and this photographer's time is more important than yours, so shut your piehole.

Then, during the makeover, all of the models were getting exciting new hairstyles, except for Brandy. Now her hair, when she arrived, was a ratty red-dyed mess:

http://wwwimage.upn.com/shows/top_model4/images/models/brandy/pic_main.jpg

However, Tyra and her sidekicks thought that was a good look for her, so they weren't going to change it. So she whines about it because she actually wanted it changed. So they change it -- but look here young lady, you models are the canvas upon which the important people like the hairstylists work their art, so you are supposed to shut up and do what they tell you. That tall brunette didn't complain when she got that horrible peroxide blonde job, so you should really think about shutting your damn mouth.

So anyways, it's time to send the first model home. Who gets sent home? Brita, who weighs 10 pounds more than anyone else, of course. Maybe because she actually has breasts.

http://wwwimage.upn.com/shows/top_model4/images/models/brita/pic_main.jpg

I mean, clearly, she is a fat, withered old crone (she is 25 while most of the rest of the models are 18-21) who will never make it in the industry. But it's apparently acceptable to be a punk-ass diva.

And they wonder where girls get these complexes about anorexia? :rolleyes:

Until next week, I'm signing off,

billreeves -- Watching America's Next Top Model So You Don't Have To

[servotron]

You know what, I have been watching ANTM since the first episode of the first season.. I love it! But then again, I own "Chocolat" as well.

Women LOVE watching this show. If you want to pick up ladies, what better way than talking about ANTM! We even have watching parties at my house, where 10 or so girls come over (friends of my wife of course) and we have a blast watching the tivo'd version with no ads.

[pupusa3000]

OK, I'll admit that I enjoy the show. I watched seasons 1 and 2 but I didn't watch 3. Now while Bill makes it seem like its a guilty pleasure to watch for guys, just remember that its a show about MODELS! Sure I can do without the crying, catfighting, complaining, whining etc, I like to look at pretty girls. Thought this season they have some hurt looking broads, like the brandy Bill was talking bout. I dont know why they picked her because she is booty:( Whats worse is that they sent home the hot russian blonde home, she looked like a freak (in the bed kind of freak). Ah well, I'll probably miss most of the season but I'll tune in once in a while to see some fine girlies.

[servotron]

That girl had some HIPS. None of the other girls that I can see have that at all. I wasn't a big fan of her face, I thought she looked like Loretta Swit (Hot Lips Houlihan from M*A*S*H)

[CHICO13]

I heard on next weeks episode they're all going to get together for Tyra's birthday and throw up some birthday cake.

[billreeves]

I heard on next weeks episode they're all going to get together for Tyra's birthday and throw up some birthday cake.

WRONG! It's not anywhere near Tyra's birthday! :D

So here's the summary for March 16. The previews promised that one of the models would reveal a big secret, and that somethig incredible would happen at the elimination ceremony and we shouldn't miss it.

The previews were actually pretty accurate. Unlike, say, the previews for Survivor, where they build something up that turns out to be nothing. One of the models did reveal a big secret, and something incredible did happen at the elimination ceremony.

I won't bore you with the specifics. You don't really want to know about the "runway coach," who is a man, who dressed up as a cheerleader.

They had a walking competition at K-mart where they would "walk-off" against one another. You know, walking model style on the runway. The winner was Rebecca, who is kind of stuck up, and takes the competition aspect of America's Next Top Model very seriously. The worst walker was Sarah, she just doesn't know how to sashay down that runway. Wait, I said I wouldn't bore you with the specifics. Sorry about that. Just remember the names because they come up later.

One of the models is bi. That was the big secret.

They went to do a photo shoot at Griffith Park (which is up on a hill looking out over LA). Most of the photos turned out OK, but all of Brittany's pictures look like the cover of a porno. She just has that really slutty look going on in the pictures. Which is fine for the male audience, but in an ad for 1-800-FLOWERS the porno look is not what they are going for.

Finally just before the elimination ceremony, the models had to wear a potato sack and walk down the runway with it. They had to make it look like the potato sack was high fashion. For elimination, they were judged on their potato sack walk and the pictures from Griffith Park.

So it's elimination time, and suddenly Rebecca just passes out. She was standing there, and then her eyes rolled up into the back of her head and she hits the floor. Cut to commercial. That was actually one of the better reality-show moments I've seen -- it was just out of the blue, she passed out. Turns out she has some kind of nerve condition where this happens sometimes, and she was fine.

Anyways, after that major drama, the elimination came down to slutty Brittany and walks-like-wood Sarah. Gone: Sarah.

Next week, on America's Next Top Model, two of the models (including punk-ass diva Brandy from last week) have a blowup. Looks like fun.

Until next week, I'm watching America's Next Top Model, so you don't have to.

-- Bill

[billreeves]

Hi everyone, it's time for this week's "ANTM" update.

The girls go out to dinner. Tiffany drinks too much and barfs.

The girls get sent to do a "tennis" photo shoot with the photographer from hell. Actually, the photographer was being over-the-top mean on purpose, ostensibly to show the girls what it is like to work with a demanding photographer, but really to try to get the girls to snap. He would say things like "note to self, do not develop this roll of film."

The pressure caused Brandy (the attitude diva from previous episodes) to lash out at Tatiana. Brandy doesn't speak very well, she's kind of a mumbler, so it was hard to understand her tirade, but it was pretty funny.

Finally, the girls do a "zodiac" photo shoot where they are all made up like the signs of the zodiac. I'm not sure how they decided which girls were which signs, but you gotta think that doing "Virgo" or "Aquarius" would be easier than doing "Cancer" or "Scorpio". The worst though was "Pisces" the fish -- the poor model Lluvy (who already looks like Shelly Duvall on a bad day) got made up with suckers that were supposed to be fish scales, and then she had to act like a fish in the photo -- well, she looked like a dead fish. Tara called it "the worst photo in the history of this show."

The elimination came down to attitude diva Brandy and fish-face Lluvy, and fortunately, Brandy was finally tossed.

Next week's update will be late, because I'll be out of town, but I'll catch ANTM on my Tivo so I can give you the update later on. It's a sacrifice, but I'm willing to make it, because I'm Watching America's Next Top Model so You Don't Have To (tm).

[billreeves]

Sorry this is late, I was on vacation last week. Here's the "ANTM" update for March 30.

One of the models got some kind of infection on her face, and the rest of the models all thought it was a flesh-eating bacteria, so they were all scrubbing their hands and otherwise avoiding the one with the infection. Turns out it was just some kind of bacteria which should be cleaned up by next episode.

Then some other stuff happened, and Noelle got sent home, which is just as well because she was really whining about how she was missing her kid.

Until the next episode, I'm watching America's Next Top Model, so you don't have to.

[Daizygrl]

I just discovered this thread. I am an ANTM addict. I think I might even get the first season on dvd.

[nicodemus]

My wife watches this and I was flipping back and forth between this and the DC United CCC game tonight. You can tell they're going for something other than looks in this competition because the girl they dumped tonight is a lot better looking than some of the people still in the hunt.

[Courtney]

I just discovered this thread. I am an ANTM addict. I think I might even get the first season on dvd.


You discovered the thread before me!

Tonite we had a cookout and a bunch of girls and guys and I watched it, and made fun. Lluvy was gross looking, I'm glad she's gone. Michelle should be next, she's nastay.

I miss Brita, she was a hottie.

[Courtney]

the girl they dumped tonight is a lot better looking than some of the people still in the hunt.

Wrong. Only Michelle comes close in the not-good-looking department. Lluvy looked like someone compressed her face in when she was young.

[nicodemus]

Wrong. Only Michelle comes close in the not-good-looking department. Lluvy looked like someone compressed her face in when she was young.
I'm not saying she's the best looking person that ever lived, but I know I'd rather wake up next to her rather than these two (though Tiffany has a smoking hot body):

http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model4/images/models/tiffany/gall/01.jpg

http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model4/images/models/michelle/gall/01.jpg

Those are just the two I know for sure, depending on how they're presented, she may eek out another 2-3 three. At least that Lluvy chick seems to have some personality (real personality, not model personality.)

Over the course of these four seasons there's been a lot of startilingly not good looking women (and I know sometimes funky looking people can make a better model than really good looking people), but I'm looking from a "me perspective" not a "next top model perspective."

[billreeves]

Wow, it's the Little Thread that Could. I'm so pleased that the ANTM fans have come out of the closet (so to speak).

Lluvy had an interesting look, and I think she could have been great at being a model, but her confidence was shot so it was time for her to go. Michelle also has severe esteem issues and there's no way she will win.

I was surprised that Brittany didn't get called out by Tyra for her drunken escapades earler in the show. Mooning folks out the windows of the bus is not good professional behavior. Then again, next week's preview shows Tyra going off on someone at the elimination -- I'm not sure who else it could be other than Brittany.

Overall, I think Naima and Keenyah have the best shot, with Kahlen and Tiffany having an outside shot. I'm not sure what Rebecca did or didn't do to almost get eliminated last night, she seemed like a good bet a few weeks ago. Tatiana and Christina don't seem to have what it takes, while Michelle is a head-case in waiting and Brittany is going to get kicked off for tacky behavior.

Over the course of these four seasons there's been a lot of startilingly not good looking women (and I know sometimes funky looking people can make a better model than really good looking people), but I'm looking from a "me perspective" not a "next top model perspective."

Yeah, this show is apparently not about hot chicks. It's about who can be the best clothes rack for whatever high fashion designers throw at them, and make the clothes look good. All of the "real" women got tossed out earlier, and we're left with these walking talking stick figures. Sucks for girl-watching but it makes for good drama because they're mostly headcases.

[Courtney]

I think Lluvy would have done well on the runway, but she just doesn't look good in pictures. She definately has a unique face though.

I think Naima has the best shot, I said that from episode one, and as I also said in episode one (other than Brita), Kahlen is my fave.

[billreeves]

Here's the ANTM update for April 13. It's the ANTM episode you can't miss. The one you will never forget. The one that breaks all the rules. The one where... Tyra snaps!

The models are sent to a dialog coach who wants them to learn a Cockney accent. You can see where this is going already -- most of these girls are dumb as posts, they don't know what a Cockney is, and they sure as hell haven't seen "My Fair Lady" unless there's been a remake starring Vin Diesel that I haven't heard about. It's going to be a horrible train wreck that you can't turn away from.

Once they learn the Cockney accent, they go home to study their lines -- they will be acting out a scene. Michelle, who took drama classes for years, thinks she can nail this. The rest of the models try to figure out what a Cockney is -- they eventually come up with "white ghetto."

They go to act out their scenes. They will be acting with... some guy who was on a UPN sitcom, who is apparently hot. Most of them suck. Most of them forget their lines, and their accents are pretty bad. Michelle remembers all of her lines, but doesn't sound much like a Cockney. Naima did well. Tiffany totally abandoned the Cockney part and pretended to be a Southern belle, which wasn't bad, except it shows that she can't follow instructions at all.

For their photo shoot, they will be shooting an underwear ad for Wonderbra, with a male model named "Rib." I kid you not -- his name is "Rib." Brittany, who is a slut, does very well at having a pillowfight in her underwear with a guy for a photo shoot. The rest of the models display varying degrees of discomfort with this idea, down to Kahlen, who is a prude, and is very uncomfortable with the idea of having a pillowfight in her underwear with a guy for a photo shoot.

For their final challenge at the elimination ceremony, they are asked to read a teleprompter of a fashion report in front of the judges. The models prove why they are not newscasters by mangling many words (e.g. "magenta" and "chartreuse"), reading the stage directions out loud, and not knowing how to pronounce many famous names of the fashion industry (e.g. "Hermes" which is pronounced "air-mays"). Tiffany is the last to read, and she punts -- after a few mangled words, she says "I can't do it" and wants to stop, but the judges convince her to continue.

Time for elimination. It comes down to Rebecca and Tiffany. Rebecca is very attractive but has not been improving for several weeks -- she's just not showing much desire in the tasks they are doing. Tiffany has a defeatist attitude and thinks she can't do the tasks as well as the others, so she doesn't bother trying. The last picture is revealed... and it's a blank page! Oh, SNAP! Rebecca and Tiffany, you got served! You're both going home!

The two evictees go over to hug the remaining models. Rebecca is crying, but Tiffany is joking around with the other models. Tyra sees this and goes off on her, along the lines of "Tiffany, you ungrateful slut, you had a chance that hundreds of other girls wanted, but you think it's a big joke. You should get down on your knees and worship me for giving you this opportunity." OK, not in those exact words, but that's why they call her Tyrant on some other message boards. Tiffany tries to talk back but Tyrant screams at her to shut up. Tiffany rolls her eyes and walks off.

So there it was, the episode that broke all the rules, the episode that you never would have forgotten, if you had seen it. Lucky for you, I typed up this summary, because I'm Watching America's Next Top Model, so You Don't Have To (tm).

[Helghallen]

Much appreciated. Don't watch, but your summaries are hilarious :)

[billreeves]

Here's the ANTM update for 4/20. Not nearly as good as last week, so hopefully this will be shorter.

Kahlen got a voicemail to let her know that one of her friends from high school just died. She was very upset.

The models got a Tyra-mail that told them to be ready at the crack of dawn. They all kind of looked at each other and said "what's the crack of dawn?" You morons, it's when the sun rises. Don't you people know anything? Seriously, it appeared that none of them had ever heard the term "crack of dawn" before. How sheltered are they?

The models went to a graveyard (!) to do a photo shoot. Kahlen lost it when their van pulled in to the graveyard. In this photo shoot, each model was intended to represent one of the seven deadly sins, and they were supposed to get in a coffin which was then lowered to the bottom of a grave. How creepy is that?

Now you'd think that the model who got "lust" would have the easiest job, but Christina did not pull it off very well. And the model who got "gluttony" was screwed, because they're all anorexic. I think it was Keenyah, she did not portray "gluttony" very well, but that wasn't really her fault.

The best pictures were Naima as "envy" -- she was hot, or maybe it was because she was topless and covering her breasts with her arm -- and Kahlen as "wrath", which was one of the easier ones to pull off, she just had to go "grr" at the camera.

So they go to get judged, and Kahlen and Naima pass with flying colors. The last two are Tatiana and Michelle. Tatiana was feeling isolated from the rest of the group because she has trouble making friends, and Michelle has some kind of inferiority complex because she cries whenever anyone points out that she did something wrong. Michelle gets to stay, Tatiana goes home. She was actually pretty attractive, but her pictures did not come out as well as the rest, so home she goes.

Until next week, I'm Watching America's Next Top Model, so You Don't Have To (tm).

[billreeves]

Hi everyone, time for this week's ANTM update.

The six remaining models are on their way to South Africa for a few weeks. We are told that South Africa is up and coming in the high fashion scene, but I think they went to South Africa because it's cheaper than Paris.

They go on a safari to check out some wild animals. Then, they have to do a photo shoot where they will be emulating some of the animals. The photo shoot is for Lubriderm, so they are taking the picture with "Mary" the crocodile.

Christina is made up like an ostrich, and she nails it. Very graceful.

Michelle is made up like a zebra. She looked pretty good. But she was having trouble with the rest of the models throughout this trip, because she's just not as social as they are, so she's kind of the outsider, and she doesn't have a lot of self-esteem, so it's hard on her to be the outsider.

Naima is made up like a cheetah

Keenyah is made up like an elephant. You see, she's now hideously fat. She's been putting away the bagels for the last few weeks and now she's like two pounds overweight. So she got the elephant. It is difficult to be model-like when made up like an elephant, and she doesn't really pull it off. Note that she was also the one who got "gluttony" as her sin last week, so I think the producers have noticed that she's becoming a bloated disgusting circus freak, in model terms at least.

Brittney is made up like a giraffe. Meh.

Kahlen is made up like a springbok -- that's the gazelle-like national animal of South Africa. The South African photographer said that she really captured the essence of the springbok.

At the judging ceremony, they are given a challenge, to take an object from the judges and a one-word emotion, and then strike a pose, with the object, to display the emotion. The objects were things like a big floppy hat, a little wooden statue, etc. The words used for the emotions were: anger, fear, aloof, happiness, and passion.

At least four of the models did not know the meaning of the word "aloof." Now I realize that they don't have Ivy League educations or anything like that, but for God's sake, it's not a really rare word in the English language, but they were acting like they had never heard the word before. This is like three weeks in a row where there has been some term which seems obvious to me but the models have no clue. I guess my expectations for the average intelligence of potential models are too high. Sigh.

So it's judging time and the final two up for elimination are Michelle and Keenyah. Michelle, because she really has self-confidence issues -- if she gets criticized, she looks like she's going to break down and cry. And Keenyah because she's a bloated pig. Her picture had to be airbrushed because she was so tubby. I wish I could find the pictures on the web so you can see just how gross she is -- she almost looks like a normal human being instead of a stick figure -- but the UPN site doesn't have the pictures yet.

So the model with the mental issues or the model with the physical issues? Michelle goes home and Keenyah gets to stay, but she is told to get it together and get into shape, so next week's episode will probably feature lots of purging. :(

Until then, I'm Watching America's Next Top Model, so You Don't Have To (tm).