A place for laughs..

[BrightEyesLA]

This is the official joke thread. Lets start out with a classic.

My tribute to Dema..

The Galaxy is scheduled to play Chivas USA and the players have no desire to play them. "C'mon Bruce, we beat them all the time, they're no competition for us."

Then Bruce Arena responds, "we have to play them or we'll forfeit the points."

"How about we send Dema Kovalenko by himself? He can take them on coach."

"OK. Dema... you're playing Chivas USA by yourself."

The rest of the team heads to a pool hall to have some beer, shoot some pool and watch the game on TV. At halftime they decide to finally look at the score. They see: LA Galaxy 1 Chivas USA 0 Dema Kovalenko(m.15)

Shouts of "ATTA BOY!!" and "Alright Dema!" ring out. An hour later they look at the score again and see: LA Galaxy 1 Chivas USA 1 Dema Kovalenko(m.15) and Attiba Harris (min. 93)

"Oh ********! Let's head back to the HDC to see what happened."

The players arrive only to find Dema shaking his head in disbelief.

"What happened Dema? What happened."

"I'm sorry guys. I blew. We were up 1-0. I had the game under control and then f'n ref sent me off in the 60th minute!"

[rokstedy]

A man was staring intently at his marriage certificate. His wife asked what he was looking for. He replied, "The expiration date."

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A man came to a shaman for help in removing a curse. The shaman said, "I can help you remove this curse but you need to tell me what exact words were said when you got this curse." The man replied, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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A man was telling his friend about how he got rid of a nagging headache. His friend asked how. The man replied, "I sent her to her mother's."

[rokstedy]

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

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Dr. Phil (not our resident BS poster) was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating that you've named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

[BrightEyesLA]

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many
blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.

There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

[socluis90]

So a magician is driving down the road, he then turns in to a driveway.