Super Girl isn't exactly someone you meet in hell. The other two are marginally annoying, though. I admittedly used to be High School Varsity Guy when I was younger. Or rather, I was D3 College Guy, which is pretty much interchangeable with High School Varsity Guy. I feel like I have to defend High School Varsity Guy a little, though, because part of the reason he seems to lack soccer IQ is that he's used to playing against entire teams of Meat. I stopped playing pickup games like D3 College Guy when I started to realize I didn't actually have opponents barreling at me at 90 miles an hour and had time to pick out passes.
Guess not. Unless she's kicking your ass or just giving you enough of a run for your money. Or the time you're marking her tightly in the box and she turns around and asks with an annoyed face, "Did you just smell my hair?" NEVER HAPPENED!
<<<The Young Gun: Still goes to high school and usually shows up with his uncle or dad's friend. Will not shy down from repeatedly megging the 50 year old with two knee braces and a pace-maker. Perceives a lot of things to be "sick".>>> Ever heard of the saying "Old age and treachery v. youth and skill"? Old age guy will take out Young Gun next time he comes into the box. Said the 45 year old guy with one (so far) knee brace. Cheers, Mi3ke
The Banker: I call him this because "the savings he offering are terrible" (-Andy Gray). Elects himself keeper every match, though when he's called into action in a 1v1, he turns his back to the ball as the attacking player shoots. Understandable if he was 1v1 with Gerrard, but he just looks like a douche when the striker rolls the ball into the corner as he flinches Beginners Luck: Never played football before - Is somehow the best tackler in the world. He always reads your dribbles and dispossesses you out of know where. It's demoralizing. Xbox: Every move he does (not to mention celebration) is from FIFA. Accompanied by his best friend, Playstation, who peforms joint celebrations with him.
I've met too many of these players for my liking, but then again, I occasionally find myself guilty as an "Adopt-an-accent-Andy." heh. ^^'
Coerver Coach He will do 15 consecutive moves on you and go nowhere. Newsflash: I didn't bite on the quintuple stationary scissors double step over triple toe tap so I probably won't bite on the double pull back hip swivel stutter step either. I'll just stand you up until my teammate comes and jacks you from behind.
These all work with the guys i play indoor soccer aka futsal against, so i think i can add a few myself... Speedy Gonzalez Gets the ball, makes a dash down the wing and puts in a wicked cross... to nobody, as team rules are play it along the ground into dangerous areas, especially when your teammates aren't as quick as you are. Hazard Warning I see at least 2 of these in our 16 game seasons, he tries to be smart and do a trick that he saw on Youtube and ends up going over the ball with a 50% chance of actually hurting himself, unnecessarily halting play. The rest of the time he acts injured to cover up the fact he just made a total cock of himself. Cech Mate When playing against a keeper who seems to play out of his skin against you, and every single chance you get, he makes a fingertip save to deny you time and time again. Lucky sod.
i play in a relatively stable sunday morning group that morphed out of a dads' tournament our kids' school puts on. not really "pick-up" but with much the same dynamics and i recognize a lot of the types here! related to the warmer-upper we have the latecomers : we used to meet at 10am but there were always the jerks who'd show up at 10:30 , 10:45 , 11 ... so we changed to 10:30. and the same assbites would show up at 11 , 11:15... so you start with an evenly matched 6v6 and end up with a 13v13 one-sided massacre, when if everyone showed the respect his common man is due we would have made a 4 team tournament at the beginning. the refs are generally our sons who have played club ball recently enough that they're used to fouls being called and just can't accept that adults take life less seriously than children. when playing only 3 or 4 a side being a woodsman is fair play for us: someone has to run down the ball and our philosophy is that the guy who does so gets to play it. but when we have cones set up, playing on when the ball is 20 or 30 cm out saves arguments... doing the same when it's 4 or 5 metres out starts them. our group is international. we bask in the milk of european brotherhood. the cheaters are always the italians. we could really use one of these. often when someone finally asks the score it's any man's guess, and each guess different. our particular problem is a(n apparently) lesbian couple who join in from time to time... the problem have nothing to to with sexual orientation but with the fact that one is gold-plated dynamite, the other complete pants, and as semi-latecomers we have to put one on each side. speaking! actually i played a little a few years ago (well, decades... ok, before before most of you were born) at a time when the level in the US was worse than woeful. but you actually can pick up the game at an advanced age: in five years i've improved more than most 12 year old do in a two week soccer camp! i can think of two other nuisances that may be particular to our universe: the good samaritan who's sportsmanship is so pronounced that for him all decisions must go against his own team. after all there's a difference between not taking it too seriously and nat giving a flying f*** at all! the doting father who brings his 8 year old for some weekend bonding, is only concentrated on setting his little angel up to score a goal and expects everyone else to let him do so (dude, we're already working hard at not turning him into a frisbeekitten, what else do you want?)
The Smithie (iron banger) with a touch as heavy as an anvil and defends that way, too (watch out). The Replica maven with the current $75 home jersey (usually Real Madrid) who's only connection to the Galactico's is empathy for Ronaldo's sadness. The Old Man, some guy in his 50's+ who plays every thing correctly, but who has no time for freestylers, whiners and alpha dogs. Every now and then his dormant alpha gene is awakened and gets the better of him and he streaks down the field only to wind up in a self-induced injured heap. The Taxi driver: comes on the field in dress shoes and pants and schools everyone for 5 minutes then disappears to catch up on his lost fares. The other Taxi Driver: psycho intense, comes alone, leaves alone. Gets into arguments over absurd transgressions most every one else doesn't even recognize as such. The Babe: the rarest of creatures, the bra-less tank topped femme fatale who plays for real, but who is so pheromone stacked, opposition and same sided males stop in awe when she deftly receives a ball and plays a diagonal killer pass to Timmy Rabona who's eyes are fixated on the Babe and misses trapping the beautifully laid ball (puns intended).
the douche(s), also known as the Glory Hunter - they are usually decent players, but they arrive late all the time. They don't need to warm up. They survey the field. Carefully. Scouting up both sides. Instead of choosing to put on a light or dark shirt based on making even teams, he will choose the team that is clearly better, because, after all, he is 'The Glory Hunter." Non-descript Man For pickup, you bring a white shirt and a dark shirt. Really, it is the only rule about pickup. Not hard to remember. Yet there is always the spaz, who ALWAYS (not first time) shows up in his light gray or pale yellow shirt and the rest of us are clearly supposed to know what team he is on.
Forgot about this one. My local pick-up is with mostly co-coaches in our area. One guy liked to bring his 13 year old son with him. At first, it was 'just to watch', then led to 'he can play with us for a little'. After 3rd time, I had to pull him aside and explain that while we liked him, this pickup was for grown ups who want to play w/o worrying about running over a young kid, hitting him with hard shot, etc. As I put it - he gets to play 6 other days a week - today is for us. Repped you on this one. Especially for the 'regular' game. We played M-Th during lunch where I usually played. Same basic groups, with some who showed on certain days, etc. EVERYONE knew to bring white and some dark (red, green, blue, black) colored shirt. There was always that guy in the light pink/gray shirt who made it impossible to remember what team he was on. One more "guy": Tommy Two-Twins: These are the guys who show up every week and MUST play on the same team, no matter what. Usually wear same color/type of shirt and say they don't have change. They will even hold up game while one player changes teams to accommodate them. Then, you hate being on same team with them as they look mostly to pass to other 'twin' because, of course, no-one else is good enough for them.
13 years old can usually cut it. even some younger can. but the ground rules are no crying or pouting for any reason and expect to be treated like an adult in all respects. if it's a 'regular' game than try our 'regular' solution: everyone puts in two bucks and you buy a set of bibs! of course that doesn't please the fashion show boys... which is one more good reason for doing it! but it leads to another problem: the genius who takes the bibs home to wash and either doesn't show up the next week or forgets them at home. which leads to our stopgap solution which may serve your purpose: when the group is assembled you see which shirt is the most numerous (usually red, sometimes black), everyone strips down and the shirts are handed out as if they were bibs. so you don't get to wear your own shirt? if that's a big deal you can always go home. must play on the same team? i don't know what the social dynamics of your group is but with us this kind of attitude would probably be offered the go home option.
13 year olds who play club soccer in france on gravel pitches can be pretty tough. and sometimes pretty good*. if they pout it's usually more for not getting the ball than from getting knocked around. *the son of one of our guys only shows up during school vacation when his season is on hiatus. we're not good enough for him... no brag, just fact.
Then there is the guy who's kid is the opposite and is quite the protege. He is making passes and runs that no one else can see. He is easily frustrated by the crap of pickup within 5 minutes.
Good one. If he's on your team, you catch him out of the corner of your eye and think he's on the other team, so you avoid passing to him, which effectively means your team is playing a man down. If you're on the opposing team, you catch him out of the corner of your eye and think he's on your team, so you end up passing to him and pissing away possession. Stuff like that can very quickly turn a good pickup game into total garbage, all because this guy couldn't just pull a dark shirt or a white shirt out of his drawer.
The other important point here is that he also only brings just the one shirt to the game. I guess we can call he 'Goodwill Guy' since someone ultimately has to loan him their extra shirt which he either keeps or returns it to you to launder.
What a great thread! Let's revive it. Here's mine: The Situation Yes this is based on the Jersery shore guy. Shows up wearing a tank top or other sleeveless shirt to show off his perfect arm muscles and tatoos. It's even better for him if he gets to go shirtless and play on the "skins" team so he can show off the rest of his upper body he's spent hours in the gym working on. Has a man tan. May or may not be wearing some sort of gold chain around his neck. Also frequently shows up with one or more smoking hot girls that come to watch him play a pick game of soccer. While playing is short tempered and quick to start as many fights is possible. If you make any contact with him during play he will say "Watch it bro". Refers to everyone on the field as "bro". If he's really pissed he will call you "bi**h*". Trash talks as much as possible. Everytime he completes a pass or does anything with the ball the girl or girls he brought squeel with delight. Offsides Guy Doesn't really apply to a pick game but had a guy on my outdoor teaml like this last year. I couldn't think of a witty name for this type of player. This guy plays up front at all times and always stands near the last defender. As soon as your team gets the ball he takes off towards goal and screams for a thru ball or ball over the top no matter where the ball is on the field. He never checks back to the ball or offers any other passing outlet. Get's angry when he doesn't receive the ball. Once the defence learns this is all he does they pull the offides trap when he takes off. So 90% of the time when he is actually passed the ball he's called offides. Usually by several yards. But of course he never think's he is offsides and protests the call with a look of "What? I'm offsides? Again?". 1 out of every 100 times this strategy will pay off and he will actually score a goal. Also thinks he's the best player on the field and if he doesn't score a goal during a game it's a result of poor service from his team.
I tell players who like to do that listen for the sound of the dribblers foot hitting the ball then go. They can still be called offside but it is the officials fault not theirs. A lot of islanders new to tge country stand in offside position and call for the ball. They have skills but don't know what offside is about. Easily taught.
How about the baseball wannabee. When he watches guys play our game he makes fun of them for playing a girls game. Yet he is not even a real baseball player he is a soft ball player and not even a good soft ball player. Same is true with the American football wannabee. They play two hand touch. None of these are even close to being fit enough to really play our game. If they did try to play our game they would get their face caved him trying to challenge for a header because they don't know how to protect their space they are trying to head the ball in.