This same guy hangs out on league night hoping people will be looking for subs, instead of actually having to commit (read: pay) to play on a team regularly. If you're unlucky enough to accept the offer of help-usually only happens once- you soon learn that he *never* subs out. "A**hole" indeed...
Lambeau Leap Larry - This guy celebrates every goal like he just won the world cup. High fives all his team-mates, tries his best to do the knee slide (resulting in scraped knees), and whoops it up whenever his team scores. He's the cousin to the 'accountant', as he announces the score, very loudly (as long as his team is winning). No Shirt Scott - I can be 45 degrees (F) outside with 20 MPH winds and a slight rain, but this guy is bound and determined to play 'skins' all the time. Usually, he's got enough back hair to make you mistake him for Sasquatch and always loves to put his 'way too sweaty' upper body on yours. Great list, Chad.
The Set Piece Specialist-The guy who calls every single contact as a foul and dives with the slightest nudge and demands to take every single set piece from a corner ( which we don't even use) to a freekick halfway across the field. Hey always goes high and wide but according to him his shot was only centimeters off. Mr. Coach Manager Sir.-This guy is always giving "tacticle advice". Is quick to point out others mistakes and often repeats stuff he hears game analysts say on tv. Often makes all of the mistakes he points out, but insists he can't play good because he needs a team that can keep up with his tactical expertise.
Also Tommy Twin Turbo-This guy is ridiculously fast. Apparently so fast the he breaks the sound barrier so there's no use in calling for the ball if your wide open because he can't hear you. His technique involves kicking the ball as far away from him as possible so he can out run everybody to it, but most of the time he just gives the ball away to his opponent. He also has zero kicking ability so the only way he can score goals on the one occasion he out runs everybody is kicking it around the keeper so he can just tap it in.
Adopt-an-accent-Andy: Uses these terms: Pitch Get rid C'mon lads Kit Talks like he's from Liverpool. Was born/bred in Iowa.
This list is hilarious. And all it takes is playing one summer in a men's league to find every one of these guys. My personal favorite of the list is Meat. He just has no body control, and after he destroys you after the ball is already gone, he insists you are diving. I think everyone knows or has played with multiple Merdinho's, and they are probably the most hated players on the field.
Don't forget the all-knowing "I did a semester in [Brazil, England, Spain,etc.] and played against a bunch of ex-academy players every day" Guy. He has zero ability. Osmosis did not work.
Personally, I think it's Timmy Rabona who's hated more - though it's also infuriating to play with a Merdinho Dois from a country so far down the FIFA rankings that YOU could probably make their 18-man matchday squad.
I would hate Merdinho much more, I like people who have some skill but don't act arrogant as Merdinho does (Timmy Rabona does act arrogant but in different ways)
Awesome posts. Playing in unorganized pickup games has actually taught be more about soccer being a team sport than playing in organized leagues. I guess it has to do with how much a pickup game can suck when the wrong individuals show up. On the other hand, I've also made some of my best soccer memories playing in good pick up games when some of the monkey wrenches were absent. Here are some potential additions: The Infinite Loop: Combines Timmy Rabona's lack of passing with Meat's physical strength and (lack of) skills.Has a tendency to go through near endless iterations of winning the ball, holding on to the ball for too long, loosing the ball, winning the ball, holding on to the ball for too long, loosing the ball,...Will fight to the death when crossing paths with another member of his species. Gets injured frequently and wonders why. The Collector: Owns over 100 jerseys from different teams and players, including historical rivals. Easy to get along with and usually in a good mood because there is a 7 in 8 chance that a team he follows is about to win the Champions League. The Young Gun: Still goes to high school and usually shows up with his uncle or dad's friend. Will not shy down from repeatedly megging the 50 year old with two knee braces and a pace-maker. Perceives a lot of things to be "sick". Slim Jim: 6' 4" and 150 lbs. Great skills but horrible at headers.
Ohhhh, god, this guy is the worst. Also, he's usually the chief publicist for another one of my favorite players (spotted at pickup and on organized teams) -- the guy who has some really dubious, unverifiable claims about his soccer playing credentials. "See that guy? He used to play for the Salvadoran Under-11 National Team/Crapwich United of the English 17th Division/Real Madrid's junior teen girls' academy team. He's NASTY!!!111!!!" I don't think I need to tell you that 100 times out of 100, this dude is not the least bit nasty.
Hahaha. And, of course, those supposed credentials are always noted in hushed tones, as if it's some sort of cautionary tale.
Possibly the best post I've read on BigSoccer. But I didn't see my personal nemesis listed. The Cherry Picker - A distant relative of the Wall and Lambeau Leap Larry, may also be a Merdinho. Positions himself 10 yards behind the last defender and waits for teammates to get him the ball. To the the Cherry Picker, teamwork is his teammates winning the ball and passing it to him so he can score. If a defender complains that he is offside, the Cherry Picker proclaims he was onside by 5 yards and then states that there is no offsides in the game. In the event the Cherry Picker scores, he celebrates as if it were the World Cup and ignores the fact there was not a defender within 10 feet of him.
I think I am guilty of being "the collector " I only have 10 jerseys though but hope I get to 100. I'm easy to get along with, and I suppose my team has a good chance of winning the cl. Still the collector doesn't seem to be someone you would meet in hell
You are right, one of these collectors is actually one of my closest friends. I guess some of my suggestions where about pickup players in general, not just the annoying ones.
In my experience, the cherry picker is usually not that good. Or he is only good in the attacking 1/3 of the field due to the fact that he has been practicing one thing and one thing only, scoring cheap goals, for the last 20 years. He would get destroyed anywhere else on the field.
You forgot Super Girl Really athletic, sometimes hot. Played in college and has game. Embarasses the likes of those that can't actually play and never loses the ball. Unflinchingly drops to a sports bra during the summer months. Geezer McOldman Got into soccer because his kids played so he has no real background or skills because he picked up the game too late. He THINKS he's got great game sense and that makes up for his deficiencies in other areas. NO, it doesn't. Can be seen lunging in a lot or making a Titanic-esque change of direction because the ball was just pushed past him. High School Varsity Guy Every possession must be played 90 miles an hour north and south. More endurance and speed than Soccer IQ.
LOL, we used to play as kids in this park and the field had these high slopes on the sides. We had a guy, the ball would be 6 feet up on this slanted hill, and he'd shout "Still in!" or "Keep playing!" Really buddy? It's on a hill.