[R] Clint and Brian: A three-act love story

ACT I
(Setting: October 2005, a ranch house near Denver that Colorado Rapids striker Clint Mathis shares with his partner, Olympic figure skating champion Brian Boitano. As our story begins, Brian is in the kitchen, in apron and oven mitts. Clint enters stage right, slamming the door and throwing his sports bag onto the couch. "Sportscenter" is on the television.)

BRIAN: Hello there. How was your day?
CLINT: Let's see now, it's the off-season. How do you think my day was?
BRIAN: Doesn't sound like it was too good, but I have something that should cheer you up. (Opens the oven and pulls out a casserole.) It's your favorite, eggplant lasagna.
CLINT: (Walks past Brian and pours a drink from a bottle of peach Schnapps on the counter.) Uh-huh.
BRIAN: Look at you. You're half asleep. Working out is supposed to boost your energy.
CLINT: Yeah, well I didn't feel like working out.
(Brian begins to respond, but both men stop and turn toward the TV when they hear sportscaster Kenny Mayne mention the word "soccer.")
KENNY MAYNE: Bad news for U.S. soccer fans, all five of them. Taylor Twellman, the leading scorer for the Americans in World Cup qualifying, will miss Sunday's match at Canada with a swollen knee.The U.S. must win Sunday's match to get the final World Cup spot in the region, while the Canadians only need a draw to advance.
BRIAN: Do you hear that? Maybe your World Cup dream isn't over after all!
CLINT: I'm sorry, were you talking to me or Roy Lassiter?
BRIAN: Be serious.
CLINT: I am serious. You know this is about politics. I haven't played on the team since Korea. There's no way in hell they'll take me back now.
BRIAN: Maybe they won't take you back, but it's not because of politics. It's because you never have been serious about training.
CLINT: (Gulps peach Schnapps from the bottle, which he slams onto the counter. Gets in Brian's face.) Don't you start with me, boy! You don't know what you're talking about!
BRIAN: (In a high-pitched shriek) I know something you don't know -- what it takes to be a world-class athlete! From the time I was five I got up at 4:30 in the morning to practice skating and get in my schoolwork and I had to be carried to bed at 9 o'clock. When I see the way you waste your talent, why, it makes me just want to ... (Trails off into sobs as he leans on the counter.)
CLINT: (Walks up behind Brian, with downcast eyes.) Eggplant lasagna, huh? Smells great. You sure went to a lot of trouble. (Brian continues sobbing.) Listen, I'm sorry. Training is always a sore subject with me. I'd like to do better, but I just don't know the way. Will you show me?
BRIAN: (Stands up, turns to face Clint, and angrily wipes his eyes.) You're going to have to do some growing up first.
(Curtain.)

ACT II
(The next day, Clint and Brian are at a local high school, in stylish, matching Old Navy sweats. Clint is finishing the 1,000-touch workout he learned from a tape Brian bought him for Valentine's Day.)

BRIAN: Don't you think that's enough, Clint? I mean, there's such a thing as overtraining.
CLINT: (Laughing) Yesterday you tell me I'm lazy. Today I'm overtraining. Is there no pleasing you?
BRIAN: (Hands on hips, in mock pique) Why of all the nerve!
(The two men gaze smilingly at each other for a moment.)
CLINT: You know, I've been meaning to tell you something.
BRIAN: What's that?
(Suddenly, a man walks toward Clint and Brian. It's Bruce Arena, coach of the U.S. National Team. Clint turns his back and begins juggling the ball.)
BRUCE: Hoy Broyan. Hoy Clint.
BRIAN: Hello Coach. (Nudges Clint, who stops juggling and wheels around. Clint refuses to look the coach in the eye, instead fixing his gaze over the coach's shoulder.)
CLINT: Let me guess, you missed the team plane and now Frankie's coach?
BRUCE: (With a forced chuckle) No, Clint. I had them route the floight through Denvah. We need youh help. Taylah hurt his knee.
CLINT: (Folding his arms) How'd he do that? (Making air quotes.) Lack of commitment, maybe?
BRUCE: I didn't come here to foight, Clint. I need you. We need you.
CLINT: What's this "we" crap?
BRUCE: The team took a vote. I threw out some names of strikers and you got the most votes. All the heavyweights voted for you, Landon, Santino, Freddy. Even Goose.
CLINT: (With dropped jaw.) Goose voted for me?
BRUCE: Yeahr. So whaddaya say?
(Clint smiles and shakes his head, unable to say anything.)
BRIAN: Oh for God's sake, will you answer the man?
CLINT: I say, put me in coach!
BRUCE: Good, be at the aihpoaht in an houah. (Bruce exits.)
BRIAN: You were about to say something before he walked up. What was it?
CLINT: God, you're good for me.
(Curtain.)

ACT III
(A stadium in Burnaby, British Columbia. Jubilant U.S. players mob each other on the field, surrounded by small clusters of their muddy, disconsolate Canadian opponents. Clint has just scored an extra-time goal to give the U.S. a 5-4 victory. Clint stands away from the mob, with Brian at his side, and talks to Rob Stone of ESPN.)

ROB: Thank you guys. I'm standing here with Clint Mathis, a most unlikely hero.
CLINT: (Smiling) A hero ain't nothin' but a sandwich, Rob.
ROB: My man, last week you were so not in the U.S. National Team picture. How does it feel to be here in the midst of all this?
CLINT: It's great, Rob. You know, we're in Canada and all, but I feel like I've finally come home. I'm just grateful so many people still had faith in me.
ROB: Long time between Korea and now. Lessons learned?
CLINT: Yeah. I've learned that it's not about funny haircuts, or saying funny things to the media, or wearing colorful, ultralight, kangaroo leather shoes. All you really need in life -- (Pauses and drapes an arm around Brian) is a soulmate.
(U.S. players brush past and sweep up Clint and Brian, putting both up on their shoulders.)
ROB: Guys, it looks like the alternative lifestyle works for Clint Mathis. Back up to you, Jack.
(Clint's teammates parade Clint and Brian around the pitch. One by one, the Canadian players stand, shake their heads, smile, and applaud.)
(Curtain.)

Hoyt,

Maybe you should get a pet, or something else that may occupy some of your time.

What is with your obsession over Clint being gay? It kinda makes you wonder.....

Seriously, you need some help.

Dude, based on the quality of your writing, I take it you are an unemployed screenwriter and you can't get anyone to read your lame scripts you you take it out on us at BigSoccer. This is so bad I don't even think you could write a screenplay for a gay porno. Except for the gay porno movie starring you and Clint that plays in your head when you lie in bed at night.

Cut the guy some slack. I was amused. However, the 5-4 scoreline was too fanciful. Even Brian Boitano would find it hard to score 4 goals on a Canadian backline of Terence and Phillip with Saddam between the pipes

..You might want to try sending this script to Trey Parker anyway.

Putting aside the gay crap in this thread (seems Hoyt is preocupied with it). The fact is Mathis needs to get his a$$ in gear when he comes back and get in shape this time. He needs to go out and see that guy that Jerry Rice trains with and get whipped into shape by him in the off season, I don't think he can do it himself.

You now have started TWO Mathis is gay threads?

I could care less if he is gay, though I see no more likelihood that he is gay than anyone else.

There was some pure genious in it that should not go unrecognized and that was the part of Agoos still being on the team. Nicely done with that. But as for the rest, rather strange.

Ben, maybe Hoyt has a case of "wishful thinking."

This was good until the author began to think that Mathis was gay, perhaps he wanted Mathis to be like him.

The four goals scored by Canada were all own-goals. Goos scored them.

Gay erotic fanfic about soccer? God help us, we're no better than the Star Trek dorks.

Thread closed. Not everyone shops at Walmart.