Jim's Friend, Mr. Brown (take 2)

This thread will be dedicated to the experiences that I have had and will have with my friend, Mr. Brown. I don't plan on writing anything down this time around, but I will come back in periodically to pass on an anecdote for the enjoyment of one and all.

I'll just start this thread off with a bit of background on Brown.


i met brown at the u of i... at that time he became the beer and weed connection for me and my friends on campus... i have now been friends with him for just over 4 years

the stories that will be relayed to one and all will not be in chronological order, will not contain correct names, but will contain whole truths in terms of what happened

a mutual friend of mine and brown's will also periodically stop in to pass some info on himself or to add further comments on a story that i pass on

-jim

how did i meet brown?

well, when my friends and i were back in the dorms, we decided to throw a keg party at the end of the year... so we waited until a weekend that our r.a. was gone

a couple of the guys had ran x-c and track with brown in high school and new he would buy for us

so we had him get us a keg and threw a party with 40-50 people crammed like sardines in a tiny university of illinois dorm room (for those that don't know, they are damn small... 2 to a room, university housing)

the roaming r.a.'s never heard us because everytime they left to do rounds, someone from the dorm's front desk would call us... so we were able to kill the keg without them finding out about it


however... we cashed the keg too early and needed more beer... so we sent brown across the street to the gas station to buy a few 30 packs of beer

since there was no alcohol, people began to leave the room and wander through the halls... beer came back and people remained in the halls with their cans of beer

and so we got busted for this and not the keg (security cameras couldn't prove that we had it either, because we brought it up 5 flights of stairs in a big rubber-maid container)

thus the party was done, and we had been told there would be a big "hearing" about this late on.. blah blah blah

anyways, we had decided that we were going to run a 5k the next morning... "the run for the roses"

i have no idea whose idea this was, but it was pure evil... we were all still drunk, brown was smoking weed on the way there... most of us had been runners in high school, but no one had ran all year

i managed to do quite well, beat everyone we came with a 19:00 5k... good because i was extremely out of shape... brown came in second in our group... about 1 minute back, and everyone much farther back

after that, i got to know brown a bit better, but i always refered to him as mr. brown (well mr. whatever his last name actually is)... we would sneak up on top of crannert (where they do musicals and what not) to smoke weed... whatever

i think i should also mention that brown only wears the color green, but because i am colorblind, it appears as brown... thus i call him brown for the purposes of this thread (seriously, all he wears is green)




*side note: from the "hearing" i had to right a paper about why what we did was wrong... i defended the party based upon the notion that bar age was 19 and one could assume that 19 was effectively the drinking age as well... the r.d. wasn't pleased but did accept it... the guys whose room it was that threw the party had to host an acohol awareness party... we showed up drunk to harass them

spring break

brown and another buddy andy were going to meet us all in florida for spring break one year... but they had to drive to chicago to pick up a friend first

so we figured they would be about 8 hours behind us... once we got there, we figured we had really slowed ourselves down with wrong turns and what not (not my fault, i was drunk when we left and not driving, although it was my car) and were now only 4 hours ahead of them

24 hours later and still no them

we were starting to get a bit worried when the 3 of them finally pulled in with clouds of smoke billowing out of the car doors... one wiff and i figured it had to have been one interesting ride

it most definitely was

they took a wrong turn in alabama, so instead of finding an off ramp to turn around on, brown decided to cut across the highway divide with his jeep... he got it stuck

thankfully some hillbilly showed up with a chain and tried to pull him out... however, it just ripped off part of brown's bumper

so the hillbilly drives brown into town, leaving andy and sherry in the jeep, stranded on the highway with a lot of weed

they come back with a tow truck and are able to get brown's jeep out... but only after being delayed several hours


i should also mention that brown drove the whole way because the other two people didn't know how to drive stick... and as soon as he got to our hotel, we wouldn't let him sleep, because we needed alcohol and he was the only of age person on our trip


my trip had been pretty tame, aside from the fact that i was drunk to begin with... i had made a get drunk before break date with a girl in my dorm... she had a ride home for break and i had other people in my car for break

we started just before noon, by the time dinner came, we were blasted... went down to the cafeteria and broke countless trays and dishes... ************ing blast

although my friends were a bit peeved when i showed up at their door hammered and needing them to walk to my car and drive it over to their apartment

this past year

i lived in a complete dive aparment (believe me)

brown lived about a half mile away and always came over... he never knocked on the door or simply let himself in... he would always knock on the window in my room

well, one day he does that, and a oppussom had been sleeping next to the window (basement apartment)... the opussom jumped out and scared the crap out of brown... it took him until after that animal died to start knocking on the window again


it did... just up and died in my window, i had to go out and use a garbage bag to grab the damn thing and throw it out into the yard (called my land lord who didn't do anything about it until it started to decompose... ************ing bastard)

2 years ago

brown had graduated the u of i and had a nice job in downtown chicago, a nice apartment and making some good money

however, he had no furniture in his apartment, slept on the floor and had tvs and monitors on the floor all over... not to mention paint, smokes, weed and what not strewn all over too

he had no intention of cleaning up, no intention of getting furniture and his room mate was the same damn way

then his company went under, he lost his job, and moved back to school to "work" on his portfolio (read - artist)

f-ing bastard lived in our house for 2 months rent free, free food, free drugs, free beer and scaring away the chicks... plus tons of people we didn't know were coming over for getting high and then leaving... for half the house, this was cool... they were very into weed and enjoyed shrooms, but for the other 5 of us.. this was getting damned annoying

he finally decided to get his own place (i should say that his lovely napervillian parents got him a place) just off campus... same creedo as his place in chi-town

he never did work on his portfolio... he just did a lot of drugs, drank a lot of beer, smoked a lot of smokes, and went to concerts

i'll throw in a great deal more stuff... but what i have now will keep reminding me of more stories


besides, new stories are always created... like what occurred this past weekend at the hippie concert we went to


later

2 years ago, i had a house on campus... a big piece of ************... 10 bedrooms and 10 of us in the house... i had the only bedroom in the basement

well, the weekend we moved in, i went to a couple of pearl jam concerts in different states (indiana and ohio)

when i got back from one of them, i was exhausted and didn't want to make it down the stairs... so i just up and died on the couch in the living room

apparently brown had shown up to make our moving in more memorable... because i woke up to the feel of my face burning

brown had decided that it would be cool to place a hot lightbulb to my face, so that i would wake up (he still had his chicago job at this point)

and wake up i did, but into an immediate rage... in which i chased him outside the house, throwing punches, kicks, and anything i could get my hands on

this manuever left a silver dollar size burn/puss mark on my face for a couple of weeks... because of this, brown became my bitch whenever he came down... he got me beer, he got me food, he tied my shoes, you name it

i should also note that before brown woke me... he labeled half of the stuff in the house as his with a roll of masking tape and a black magic marker

notable markings included a window that stated :"brown's view, don't look" and 'in case of fire call "brown" ' (and had his number as well)

when we were cleaning up before we moved out of the house as our lease was ending, we kept discovering things that he had labeled that we had never found... "brown's radiator, don't steal my warmth" "brown's ceiling"


in addition, i remember walking around the house, trying to make sure that we had all of our stuff put away or in the right pile... well i found out that brown had buried 3 bongs in one of the basement window dug-outs!!! turns out he had buried them there after a party, why i have no idea and neither does he

this past year was quite amusing

brown's parents finally cut him off, this forced brown to find a job... yet he wouldn't use his perfectly good college diploma to get him a job... he started to work at a cookie shop in the mall (and then at kiosks selling toy helicopters and pictures)...

he liked working at the cookie shop because he got to hand out "pills of happiness"


as i said before, brown always came over to my place by knocking at the window, instead of the door... he also cooked at my place, made calls at my place, watched tv at my place, hung out only at my place, and often slept there

i would often be working on homework and discover that brown had left the tv and passed out on my bed from too much of something or another... alcohol, sleep deprivation, or cough syrup... this would force me to sleep on the ************ing couch

my own ************ing apartment and i get kicked out of my ************ing bed at least 3 times a ************ing week

oh yeah, brown was drinking massive amounts of cough syrup because he didn't have enough money to get real drugs, but he could buy a bottle of cough syrup and drink that... hallucinations will result... along with throwing up... all night

brown also became a medical test subject for a little while... we had a friend in pharmaceutical school who had a friend that needed test subjects... brown's name was thrown in there and he got payed a decent amount for getting some unknown drug pumped into his system...


lol

brown used the money from the drug testing to take a month off from his mall jobs and drive to california... there he stayed at a friend's place, getting stoned the entire time

only in america

brown's final semester was a fall semester... since leases around campus are typically year leases and begin for the fall semester, he opted to get a place in the dorms for his final semester

on his move-in day, he invited 5 of us over for 40's in the dorms... it was very amusing for a couple of reasons

-he wound up getting the old room of two of my room mates
-his room mate wound up coming in on us with his entire family in tow... and by that i mean grandparents, parents, aunt, uncle, cousins, siblings.... and there are 6 people drinking colt 45's in this freshman's room

damn funny


i think that was the most amount of time brown ever spent there... as he essentially lived in my apartment or that of another one of our friends in the same apartment complex... he slept underneath the kitchen table in either place

nothing like setting down for a bowl of cereal in the morning and then getting punched because you accidently hit someone who had been sleeping underneath the table you are eating at

brown use to have this hat that no one could touch... it was one of those dark forest camoflauge hats with a bill that went all the way around

well, if anyone would remove it from his head or even try it on if it was placed to the side... you would very quickly have a mr. brown attached to your person and biting, kicking, scratching, whatever to you in order to get it back as soon as he could

so for new year's 1999 we all got blasted and decided to smoke up before midnight... we all crowded into someone's room and started passing a bowl around

well brown seemed to have passed out as we were passing the bowl around and his hat came off... so i picked it up and put it on my head... he immediately pounced on me and began choking me for all he was worth... it took 3 of our friends to get him off me, whereupon he got the hat back and went back to his catatonic state

so we go back to working the bowl around the circle and it gets to him, the person asks if brown wants any... no response... puts it to his lips and brown inhales

after this we went back to drinking beer and waiting for midnight... well brown at some point dissappeared and walked over a mile back his apartment... piss drunk and temperatures well below freezing

the next day we realized he had left without us knowing it... and shortly after we realized this, he showed up at our place in his jeep... since we were about to get a nasty snow storm, everyone was heading back up to chicago area but me and brown... so we decided to have some fun driving around campus in his jeep

bad idea

we almost hit our student armory... snow coming down hard... traffic coming at us, we slid across their lane, between two parking meters and onto the sidewalk... stopping a few feet from the start of the stairs

damn fun new years

another time, just after Brown drank a bottle of cough syrup, we were driving to a bar....and he happened to have a pen
with this pen he repeatedly stabbed me and said the word "sword" over and over again in the most monotone voice you have ever heard or imagined
then i began to climb/wrestle/contort Brown like i was a violent monkey
Brown did not counter the attack, instead he proceeded to say "shield" in his defense, then began saying the word "off" again and again as he poked me looking for my off button
this went on for the duration of the ride, in the parking lot and for a period of time inside the bar

on the way home....it continued, Brown used the same monotone voice to say "help", being a fellow backseat passenger mikey was getting bumped quite a bit.. this resulted in him responding to Brown's "help" cry by tag teaming me

sword

funny

jim
that last guy made me think of our timmy

aye... posts a bit like timmy might

stop doing that you freak

i think it is your turn to remember a story

shield

ok, so last weekend i drove to school to clean out my apartment and then follow brown up to his place in the land of naperville

because i had gone to bed early, i woke up around 3am... so i said fuck it and just took off for my apartment

brown was suppose to head for school right after he got off work (around 2am), but since i know he likes to leave early, i decided to check out his apartment to see if he had rolled in yet... sure enough, he was sleeping in his apartment with a buzz from the bars (he had gotten in around 11pm and went out with another buddy of ours still on campus)

so i dragged him out and threw him in my car, headed over to my place where i set him down in one of the empty and already cleaned bedrooms so he could continue his nap... i cleaned our the rest of the pad in ~45 minutes (much to brown's dismay)

so he decided to take some unprescribed anti-depressants (zoloft, i believe he said)... we got back to his place and had to clean that out... it was much worse off than my place... and i thought my place was bad

at one point in time, a cat had literally ruled the roost in his apartment... seriously... it still smelled of the cat and everything was all over the place

i just started chucking crap in garbage bags, then throwing them into his car... we threw his matress away and several other things that nothing was wrong with (he had no room in his car and i wasn't about to put that smelly, nasty ************ in my car)

we pretty much have everything out of his place when we basically start finding things

-at one point brown had attempted to grow mushrooms (another story in and of itself, like the cat story)... we found a tupperware container with some fungi that hadn't quite made it
-we found honey all over kitchen cabinets (no hole in the bottle, cap on)
-the hookah that he had gotten after one of my old room mates parents found it in his room (needed to get rid of it, brown gave it a good home)


we sorta got everything cleaned up, when brown got a "brilliant" idea... he was going to leave things out for the next person to find


-the hookah was left in the middle of his bedroom, nothing in there, but that
-a gallon of water in a milk jug was left in the toilet with the lid down
-potting soil was left underneat the sink


well, we finally get everything done and decide to take off for the land of naperville (we have to go to the fire game the next day)

it's around 7am on friday

naturally brown decides that we aren't taking any highways to his place... we are driving completely blind down back-back country roads... nice, seeing as i had no idea how to get to his place

2 hours later we made it to kankakee (that should be around 30-40 minutes)... so brown turned into a pbr nascar bar that opens at 6am... that's right, you heard me... we stopped at a pbr bar at 9am that opens at 6am... nascar

there were 5 other people in there

as we sat drinking our pbr's, brown started to tell me he had also taken some ephedrine... and the combination of zoloft, ephedrine and beer was starting to make him feel sick

after a few trips to the bathroom for brown and a few pool games that i won, we decided to head out once again

i think we got to his place around noon or so... not too sure on that one

so as we are throwing some of my stuff into his parents place so that we have room to drive my car around chicago land for the weekend, brown lets me know that he hasn't slept in two days

i start telling he should take a nap, as there is nothing to really do... none of our friends get off work until the evening, why not rest so he will feel better for then

brown says that is an impossibility because his parents are going to be home soon... we have to take showers and hit the road

i figure whatever

we finally are about to head out the door, when his mom gets home... that was a trip... she seemed normal, but brown didn't want to deal with her... so off we went

first stop... downtown naperville

we drove to cardinal stadium to get tickets for section 8, i dropped him off right there and began to circle around in the lot when two bike cops began to harass me for being in the student lot... they eventually leave me alone because they just wanted to be dicks to someone else... so i headed back to brown at the ticketwindow

chick was out with a sign that said... "back in 5"

waited, got our tickets and then headed for one of the local free parking garages... this took us a bit, but we found one and headed back towards the stadium... this time we were heading for features bar and grill

because of everything he had taken, he couldn't eat... but he could drink... so i got some food and we both drank a few beers... just shot the ************ for a bit and dragged out that place as much as we could... finally we decided to leave because we couldn't stay there or we were going to not be able to drive and meet our friends for something later

we tried calling a couple of people we thought might be home by then (old room mates g/f who i thought didn't have a job yet, but she actually did), but nothing turned up... so we eventually decided upon seeing a movie

we parked at the multiplex and decided on mr. deeds... no show until 4:20 (this made it a must for brown)... but that meant we had to kill an hour and 20 minutes... so we walked back outside and noticed 3 restaraunt/bars in the immediate vicinity

naturally we walked to the nearest one

we got into the establishment and the host takes one look at us

"you guys want the bar, right"

we just nod and follow

hostess- "it's not too early to start drinking, it is friday and all"

waitress comes over and informs us that they only have whatever the house brews for beer... we figure that is cool as we both like most beers

bad idea

they had quite possibly the nastiest stuff i have ever tasted in my life... i was able to drink mine and some of brown's... brown was developping a head ache anyways, so he started ordering cokes like crazy

when he left to go hurl in the bathroom, the waitress came back to get me another beer... asked how we liked the stuff, and i let her know that brown wanted to meet the head brewer and puke on his shoes (he had actually said this)... she started cracking up and asked where brown was... i said hurling

thankfully i did find one acceptable beer to drink, and 4:15 eventually came... so we paid our bill and headed back to the movie theater, got our tickets to mr. deeds and headed for the movie

once in the correct theater number, we went towards the top and began to relax... brown pulled up his arm rests so that he could sit in the lotus position and meditate, while i pulled up several arm rests and laid down for a nap

the movie was filled with a bunch of kids/teens who kept looking at us like babboons, which would elicit a response of "what? you never seen a derelict?" or "i lowered my cholesterol"

the best party of the movie for me was the ending... they played pete townshend's "let my love open the door"... for that reason, and that reason alone i recommend this movie (or just get the damn song on cd)

movie over and we are heading out... there is a big group of people just sitting on the floor, looking at watches... we can't figure it out for the life of us what they are doing

so brown goes up and asks them... he got a very snooty answer back of "the new mike myers movie"... we both thought halloween, which pissed off a few more people in the group... "NOOO, Austin Powers"

we started laughing at them and left... got to the car and started making calls... we got my old room mate's girlfriend... plus my room mate was home with her as well, so he gave us directions and we headed over there

naturally the told us to get beer cause they didn't have enough

they have an apartment in wheeling, but to get there we had to drive through buffalo grove... if you have ever bought alcohol there, you know what i am about to speak of


we went in, grabbed a few 6 packs from the walk in cooler and headed to a cashier at the front... the cashier asked if we had paid for it at the beer area, we said no... cashier told us we couldn't pay for it there and we had to go back to pay for it

i was most outraged

we headed back and saw the one cashier there... with like 12 people already in line... ARGH

finally we got out of there and headed to our friends' place... we had never been there before and new their apartment number, so we decided to surprise them by knocking on their back porch door

bad idea, we soon found out they lived on the second floor and their front door directly leads to stairs... fuck!!

well enough done there, got upstairs... they laughed at us... but we got to sit down and shoot the ************ for awhile... which was cool, cause i hadn't seen them in awhile...

i leave my cell in the car and ask to use amber's... we call up some more of our friends and find out what is going on... apparently we are all suppose to meet at our friend andy's in schaumburg to drink and figure out what to do

so we eventually head for there ~10pm

this time my room mate is driving my car (brown and i will stay at andy's) and amber is driving her car to get them two back... this was amusing because brown was the only one who knew how to get there and he immediately gets everyone going the wrong direction

eventually we get there and try to get in... apparently andy and his room mates won't answer the buzzer... so brown holds it down for a few minutes

this did not endear us too well

so we get up there and brown and i are essentially gang tackled by andy and his 2 roomies... fucking bastards... i didn't do it, brown did

they relent though and we all sit down and start drinking some more beer

a few more of our friends show up and we decided to start playing arsehole... this actually doesn't last too long because no one cares

thankfully i am taking it fairly easy at this point, but i am gettind rather tired... so i head for andy's room and lay down on his bed... figuring i will get booted later

i actually have a hard time going to sleep, because everyone is still up... drinking, screaming and laughing at stupid things

i figure it's around 4am when brown comes running in and starts puking in andy's bathroom... this is shortly after i hear some chick screaming "make out with you? i don't understand why people make out, i mean what's the fun in making out with somone?"

this is in the hallway right next to me and so when brown came in, i realized she was talking to him... when brown came out of andy'd bathroom, i started making fun of him... he just started walking into things and headed back out for more


a little while later, i wake up to some more screaming... that same chick is being loud again (mind you this chick is horribly ugly)... this time though, she is screaming cause she just beat everyone at trivia pursuit... i can hear the rest of the drunks trying to get her to quiet down

thankfully i soon fall back to sleep... i wake up for real around 9am... i head outside to get stuff to shower with and change into... get cleaned up and wake brown up... he had a hangover... which is something i had never seen him with