fiddlestick's Newbie Almanac, everything you wanted to know about BS, but....

It is my mission to provide a primer for Big Soccer Newbies; to share some of the collective Big Soccer knowledge with the less knowledable; to save them from smartass remarks when they ask stupid questions.
This is your one stop resource for real BigSoccer knowledge. The FAQ is nice, but the real skinny is as follows:

BigSoccer.com--an internet message community where strangers from around the world can read and post messages. Sometimes discussions about soccer occur. Responsible for countless dollars and productivity hours lost to the Global economy.

USA Mens Forum--This is where myopic, pompous, irrational people post ridiculous, baseless opinions regarding things including but not exclusively: Bruce Arena's tenure as coach of the USMNT, the inability of each and every player to perform to expectations, Clint Mathis' sexuality, Freddy Adu, Micheal Ricketts' capacity to be capped, David Regis' shortcomings as a human being directly relative to the fact that he's a no good Frenchy, and lots more.

Business and Media Forum--formerly named "Place Where Whiny Bitches Post Every Instance of Soccer Being Insulted in the Media Forum"

Jack--Edwards, main play-by-play man for soccer broadcasts on ESPN/ABC. People whose lives revolve around soccer and nothing else hate him. People who have gotten laid since the Reagan administration appreciate his true genius.

Ty--Keough, main color man for soccer broadcasts on ESPN/ABC. Best known for stealing catch phrases from the "Dell Dude"

Polls--best used as a euphamism for "penis," but many idiots insist on creating them, the results are conclusively irrelevant and worthless.

Posters of Korean Ethnicity--highly sensitive creatures who are generally not amused at others' bewilderment regarding their culinary traditions. Also renowned for their feats of engineering marvel such as making mountains out of molehills. Will as a last resort post your personal information on the boards in hope that someone will drive to your house and throw dogmeat at your door.

ABMOD--Ankle Biting Midget O' Death--aka Ritchie Williams--aka Mini Bruce

Troll--over or underweight teenage kids who cruise the boards, attempting to stir up trouble by posting incendiary comments with the intention of ruffling the feathers of more sensitive posters. Trolls are usually carded and banned. To interact with real trolls--click here!

Sockpuppet--an alias screenname. Trolls often use this strategy to extend their tenure on Big Soccer after a ban. Also see: Futsal Fred, Ted Cikoski, et. al.

Aimer--self employed model hailing from either the San Fernando Valley or Rivertucky. Has unique ability to center even the most abstract discussion on herself. Often confuses having appeared on television with having talent. Is in love with Mike Segroves.

Mike Segroves-- poster rumoured to be Huss and Jonny Quest's sockpuppet. "City planner from OK" is a clever ruse devised by the administrators in order to log on and flame the very people who support their site. The most incendiary poster on Big Soccer who is never carded, thus adding to the conspiracy.

Big Soccer Premium Member--person who posts on Big Soccer that has a job.

Rivalry Fora--where a few witty people and countless *********************s hangout. For every amusing post you are required to sift through 5 "scoreboard" posts, 3 "how many cups have you won" posts, 7 posts rife with gaysmack, and after you are finished reading Topper and Garcia's posts, then you must read 1 post per MLS team with a trite spin on the team's name ala Galaxitives.

Gaysmack--the lowest common denominator of smack. Only the feeble minded resort to this.

Momsmack--only the most feeble minded resort to this.

Rivalry XI--nobody really knows. Don't start a competing board with Big Soccer or they will come and humilate you.

NorthGoalGang--Adam Carrola/Dr. Drew of Big Soccer. Seek advice and you shall receive his wisdom.

Referee Forum--Where actually intelligent people post

USA News and Analysis Forum--Where people who think that they're actually intelligent post

*************--most likely someone typed some ************ed up mother************ing ************ that didn't make it past the mother************ing censors

Bump--this is how people make sure we have to read their crap, by "bumping" it up to the top of the boards where it receives the most prominent position based on the theory of "the primacy of the last post"

Smilies--how fags infuse their posts with emotion!



Please feel free to add to this wonderful resource as you, my Big Soccer Brethren, see fit.

Holy Crap, Huss added the URL of the BS Prison Colony to the auto-censor thing! That's awesome.

BSSM - Threads for the lonely. And apparently great sig fodder.

Women's Forums - Waste of space.

lindholmes - The author of without a doubt the best quote ever found on BigSoccer.

Chris Armas - BigSoccer land mine.

Andy_B - BigSoccer untouchable. Make fun of him and kiss BS goodbye.

Jim Rome - Somebody for the BigSoccer Bitch Brigade to bitch about when other wells have run dry.

The SoccerBabe - My entire life history, written only once, only to vaporize with the rest of BigSoccer BC. If anyone has that, BTW, I'd love a copy.

BigSoccer BC - BigSoccer Before Crash. Like much of the original Old Testament manuscripts, millions of posts disappeared instantly.

BigSoccer Premium Member - Posters who have stolen Mommy's Credit Card to carry on the addiction.

MLS News & Analysis - Home to the Oklahoma Civil War.

Arenaphile - Those BigSoccer Posters who find it hard to think for themselves after prolonged asfixiation from extensive periods of time with their collective heads inserted into Bruce Arena's ass.

Bitch Brigade - Nutmeg's definitive post that disappeared after BS BC.

Sekrah - King Troll (see fiddlestick's definition of troll)

Oh, how could I forget.

Thomas Flannigan - The truth IS out there. You can find it on Melissa Etheridge's next CD.

AKA the Dead Sea Cache.

BTW, my mommy's credit sucks, I had to pay for my own membership.

Oh Jeez - a glaring omission. We have yet to even provide the complete definition for BigSoccer itself!

BigSoccer - Everything fiddlestick said, and also a place where Republicans go to die.

soccerTV - The only way to get kicked off BS faster than making fun of Andy_B.

NAF - Proud supporters of Vasoline.

Fixed your post.

Which brings us to the next definition:

Fixed your post - The most tired joke on BS, nearly as feeble as gaysmack or momsmack.

When used sparingly, can be effective, often times amusing, but as my esteemed colleague Nutmeg has said..........
'Cause putting words in other people's mouths is witty.

Can anyone actually claim they made the first "fixed your post" post? Probably not proveable, but who knows.

Quakes Forum--where 11 year old girls go to die.

But someday, you too can learn your way around the fucking robo-censors and curse like a motherfucker. Shit yeah.

Screw you, you mother f'n pos. Rivertucky?!??! what the bloody f'n hell is that?!?! Is that supposed to be some f'n insult for Ohio?!? Kiss my f'n ass you piss infected jizz bubble. In love with Segroves?!?! as if, *********************. Go to f'n hell on a rocket launcher.

Re: Re: fiddlestick's Newbie Almanac, everything you wanted to know about BS, but....

Fuckin-A. This thread started out strong, and we're only getting better.

$10 says the Tag-Team combo of Chief Segroves and his little fiddlestick take out Aimer in less than 5 posts.

Thank you Fiddlestick, as a newbie I find this thread very informative.

Signature - I'm a cheap bastard

Fiddlestick's post for Post of the Year!

You guys forgot one:

Ego Surfer - someone like Aimer who puts her own name in the search engine to get some pathetic pleasure out of knowing someone is talking about them

this stuff is fabulous!

God, I LOVE BS!!!

Re: Re: fiddlestick's Newbie Almanac, everything you wanted to know about BS, but....

Rivertucky is an epithet for the lovely resort community of Riverside, CA, exotic locale of many a great porn flick. If you'd take time out from channeling Eric Cartman, you'd realize that the only thing you were pissed off at was that you thought that I insulted the great state of Ohio.
It is pratically impossible for piss infected jizz bubble to occur. God, in His wisdom, put a failsafe mechanism in the male reproductive system to prevent jokers from talking a girl into bukkake then dropping the golden shower on her. So you see your logic is flawed.
Do I love Mike Segroves? Sure.
I also love Ernest Hemingway, the LA Dodgers, my cat Abby, Ted Williams, the girl I'm going to marry, the roar of my Mustang, and many other things. That dead junkie from Sublime said it best, "Lovin' is what I got.
I even love you, for being an easy mark and ensuring the Book of Fiddlestick in the BigSoccer New Testament.

On Ausust 2, 2002 at 10:49 am, Mike Segroves cracked open his BigSoccer Masterpiece.

I was there.

Double Damn.

Next time, before I fire off a stroke of genius, remind me to make sure Segroves is having writer's block. I'm sicka being one-upped, or in this case twelve-upped.

Nutmeg wins $10.

Me too. I will never be the same.

This is the greatest thread ever. Ever.

In other words, Herod's boys will paying you a little visit soon. FYI, watch out for underage dancing girls.