WEEK ONE POWER RANKINGS
6. Marine hydrokinetic
7. Natural gas
Yeah, I've been sitting on that joke for the entire offseason. Worth it.
Oh, you want a useful power ranking? Okay.
JERSEY SPONSOR POWER RANKINGS
1. Colorado/San Jose (tie)
3. Not wearing a god-damned commercial on your shirt
4. Chicago/Columbus/New York City FC/Orlando City/Portland/Seattle (tie)
12. Montreal/Toronto (tie) (literally)
14. New England
16. DC United
17. Kansas City
18. New York Red Bulls
19. Being one of those derps that wears a Manchester United jersey no matter who's playing
20. Going shirtless (aka, the 1906 Ultras official uniform)
21. FC Dallas
22. Real Salt Lake
23. LA Galaxy
I've been beyond ponderous about how terrible it is that MLS teams accept sponsorship money from multi-level marketing schemes. But the issue isn't going away. A couple of MLS sponsors were named and shamed in a freaking humor site over the weekend, as Cracked's Kathy Benjamin unloaded on the entire concept.
In November, Herbalife agreed to pay $15 million to settle a class-action lawsuit about their discounting and recruiting process, things that made them look like one of those gosh darn illegal pyramid schemes. It's not the first time their policies have been called into question, and even after the settlement, the Federal Trade Commission is still investigating them. They are far from the only MLM to cross the line and get in trouble for it.
In the grand scheme of things, this isn't as bad as, say, Barcelona turning themselves into lapdogs for the Qatar royal family. And yeah, I'm aware that Kansas City survived a long and close association with Lance Armstrong, the only man to have ever won the Tour de France while cheating.
My club has provided me years of wonderful entertainment. The Galaxy has helped me become the smarmy frontrunner I am today, and for that I will always be grateful. But I should express my love for you, LA Galaxy, not your sugar daddy. You don't have to put on the red light.
I suppose one day, our children, grandchildren, and cybernetic clones will be astounded that professional sports teams once settled for merely advertising their clubs and their sport. But if we must have sponsors, can we at least have defense contractors, oil companies, and investment funds of rather uncertain scrutiny?
(I haven't yet completed research on whether MLS sponsors in the food, air travel, hospital or console business are indulging in evil as sordid as those in the MLM racket. I suppose it depends on how you feel about trans fats, Fire fans.)
(Yes, I docked the Union a point. It says "Bimbo," what kind of reaction are you expecting, anyway?)