CONCACAF Player of the Year 2015 - Back Where We Belong

So a couple of years ago, CONCACAF took the radical step of instituting a series of awards honoring player and coaching achievements.  Before 2013, this had been handled by me, because no one else had thought of it. 

Then CONCACAF took it away from me.  The whole sad story has been told, but here's the relevant excerpt:

ME: But what about all my hard work?

JEFFREY WEBB: Pah! What can you do?  Have me, my predecessor, AND my successor all arrested?  I'd like to see you try!

Anyhoo, long story short - look who's come crawling back.

So welcome, everyone to the 2015 CONCACAF Player of the Year Awards!  Welcome...home.

The rules are simple.  Eligibility is determined by George Weah rules - if you represent a CONCACAF nation (and thereby hold a CONCACAFian passport), OR play for a CONCACAF club, you are eligible for the top honor.  Here's a handy chart to clarify:

Carlos Ruiz, Guatemalan playing for Municipal: eligible, obviously. Old as hell, but eligible
André-Pierre Gignac, French dude playing for Tigres: eligible, even though he's only been on the team for fifteen minutes
Carlos Vela, Mexican at this moment still playing for Real Sociedad: eligible, even if he does sign for the Rapids after all
Fabian Johnson, German born to an American citizen: eligible since birth, Abby and Landon, so get over it
Gedion Zelalem, naturalized citizen: obviously eligible
Giuseppe Rossi, born in Teaneck, representing the Italian national team and playing for Fiorentina: if literally every other CONCACAF player in the world was suspended, and it was between him and Jonathan Klinsmann, God, I don't know, I guess so
Lionel Messi, foreigner: ineligible

Voting is equally simple - one man, one vote.  I'm the man, so I vote.

I hope that clears things up.

And now, this year's winners:

GOAL OF THE YEAR

I never understood this award.  You're supposed to score goals.  That's the reward.  Hell, that's the point.  And they all count the same.  Anyway, Goal of the Year awards are usually the sort of thing insecure fanbases cling to when there isn't much else to celebrate.  We wouldn't shut up about the time John Harkes won it in England, for God's sake.

REFEREE OF THE YEAR

Mark Geiger, United States

COACH OF THE YEAR

Some dude who'll be probably be fired this time next year.  Hey, wait a minute.  Congratulations, Juergen Klinsmann!  Worth a shot, right?

GOALKEEPER OF THE YEAR

Goalkeepers are players.  If goalkeepers want to win awards, let them stop shots from other award nominees. 

MALE PLAYER OF THE YEAR

This is the point where I try desperately to come up with some reason, any reason, not to give the award to Chicharito.  Any ideas, readers?

PLAYER OF THE YEAR

The nice thing about hat tricks in World Cup finals - it really takes the headache out of over-considering who wins these kinds of awards.  (Oh, number three of the hat trick is your goal of the year, if you really are passionate about such things.)

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD

For consistent display of dedication, tenacity, and attention span that has made this award what it is today - I am proud to present me with the first ever CONCACAF Player of the Year Lifetime Achievement Award.

My goodness, this was unexpected.  Wow.  Thank you.  Thank you all so much.  You know, when I gave out awards the same week as the Miss Universe contest, I wondered if I was going to make it without resorting to a cheap Steve Harvey joke.  I guess this is one time where I really needed to Think Like A Man.

*crickets*

*tumbleweeds*

*wolf howls in the distance*

Thank you.

Best holiday wishes to everyone - in the true spirit of Christmas, I'd like to leave you with a quote from one of my very favorite movies, "It's a Wonderful Life."  I think it has a message for all of us this year, especially those in CONCACAF.

Where's that money, you silly, stupid old fool? Where's that money? Do you realize what this means? It means bankruptcy and scandal and prison! That's what it means! One of us is going to jail! Well, it's not gonna be me!

No man is poor who has friends.  Here's to Sepp Blatter, the poorest man in town. 

CONCACAF PLAYER OF THE YEAR – Historical winners

Player of the Year:
1985: Sharon Remer, United States
1986: April Heinrichs, United States
1987: Carin Jennings, United States
1988: Joy Biefeld (Fawcett), United States
1989: April Heinrichs, United States
1990: Michelle Akers-Stahl, United States
1991: Michelle Akers-Stahl, United States
1992: Carin Gabarra, United States
1993: Kristine Lilly, United States
1994: Mia Hamm, United States
1995: Mia Hamm, United States
1996: Mia Hamm, United States
1997: Mia Hamm, United States
1998: Mia Hamm, United States
1999: Michelle Akers, United States
2000: Tiffeny Milbrett, United States
2001: Tiffeny Milbrett, New York Power/United States
2002: Birgit Prinz, Carolina Courage/Germany
2003: Maren Meinert, Boston Breakers/Germany
2004: Abby Wambach, Washington Freedom/United States
2005: Christine Sinclair, University of Portland/Canada
2006: Kristine Lilly, United States
2007: Abby Wambach, United States
2008: Hope Solo, United States
2009: Christie Rampone, Sky Blue FC/United States
2010: Christine Sinclair, FC Gold Pride/Canada
2011: Abby Wambach, United States
2012: Christine Sinclair, Canada
2013: no award given
2014: no award given
2015: Carli Lloyd, Houston Dash/United States

Male Player of the Year:
1916: Thomas Swords, Fall River Rovers/United States
1917: Thomas Swords, Fall River Rovers/United States
1918: Harry Ratican, Bethlehem Steel/United States
1919: John “Jock” Ferguson, Bethlehem Steel/United States
1920: Jimmy Dunn, St. Louis Ben Millers/United States
1921: Harold Brittan, Philadelphia Field Club/England
1922: Harold Brittan, Philadelphia Field Club/England
1923: Tommy “Whitey” Fleming, J&P Coats/Scotland
1924: Archie Stark, Bethlehem Steel/United States
1925: Archie Stark, Bethlehem Steel/United States
1926: James “Tec” White, Fall River Marksmen/Scotland
1927: Davie Brown, New York Giants/United States
1928: Barney Battles, Boston Wonder Workers/United States
1929: James “Tec” White, Fall River Marksmen/Scotland
1930: Bert Patenaude, Fall River Marksmen/United States
1931: Billy Gonsalves, New York Yankees/United States
1932: Bert Patenaude, New York Giants/United States
1933: Billy Gonsalves, St. Louis Stix, Baer & Fuller/United States
1934: Aldo “Buff” Donelli, Curry Silver Tops/United States
1935: Hilario “Moco” Lopez, Necaxa/Mexico
1936: Joe Kennaway, Glasgow Celtic/Canada
1937: Joe Kennaway, Glasgow Celtic/Canada
1938: Joe Kennaway, Glasgow Celtic/Canada
1939: Bert Patenaude, Philadelphia Passon/United States
1940: Charley Ernst, Baltimore FC/United States
1941: Martin Vantolra, Atlante/Spain
1942: Rafael “Tico” Meza, Moctezuma/Costa Rica
1943: Manuel Alonso, Marte/Mexico
1944: Billy Gonsalves, Brooklyn Hispano/United States
1945: Roberto Aballay, Asturias/Argentina
1946: Isidro Langara, Espana/Spain
1947: Adalberto “Dumbo” Lopez, Leon/Mexico
1948: Adalberto “Dumbo” Lopez, Leon/Mexico
1949: Adalberto “Dumbo” Lopez, Leon/Mexico
1950: Frank Borghi, St. Louis Simpkins Ford/United States
1951: Jack Cowan, Dundee FC/Canada
1952: Alex Sanchez Cruz “El Nene”, Saprissa/Costa Rica
1953: Antonio Carbajal, Leon/Mexico
1954: Jose Luis Lamadrid, Necaxa/Mexico
1955: Julio Palleiro, Necaxa/Uruguay
1956: Antonio Carbajal, Leon/Mexico
1957: Antonio Carbajal, Leon/Mexico
1958: Carlos “Charro” Lara, Zacatepec/Argentina
1959: Errol Crossan, Norwich City/Canada
1960: Salvador Reyes, Guadalajara/Mexico
1961: Antonio Carbajal, Leon/Mexico
1962: Salvador Reyes, Guadalajara/Mexico
1963: Amaury Epaminondas, Oro/Brazil
1964: Jose Cardona, Atletico Madrid/Honduras
1965: Jose Cardona, Atletico Madrid/Honduras
1966: Jose Alves “Zague”, Club America/Brazil
1967: Amaury Epaminondas, Toluca/Brazil
1968: Fernando “El Principe” Hernandez, Saprissa/Costa Rica
1969: Gustavo “Halcon” Pena, Cruz Azul/Mexico
1970: Ignacio Calderon, Guadalajara/Mexico
1971: Enrique Borja, Club America/Mexico
1972: Horacio Lopez Salgado, Cruz Azul/Mexico
1973: Javier “Kaliman” Guzman, Cruz Azul/Mexico
1974: Emmanuel “Manno” Sanon, Don Bosco Petion-Ville/Haiti
1975: Cabinho, UNAM/Brazil
1976: Pele, New York Cosmos/Brazil
1977: Franz Beckenbauer, New York Cosmos/West Germany
1978: Cristobal Ortega, Club America/Mexico
1979: Bob Lenarduzzi, Vancouver Whitecaps/Canada
1980: Giorgio Chinaglia, New York Cosmos/Italy
1981: Jorge “Magico” Gonzalez, C.D. FAS/El Salvador
1982: Gilberto Yearwood, Real Valladolid/Honduras
1983: Victor Moreland, Tulsa Roughnecks/Northern Ireland
1984: Rick Davis, New York Cosmos/United States
1985: Hugo Sanchez, Real Madrid/Mexico
1986: Hugo Sanchez, Real Madrid/Mexico
1987: Hugo Sanchez, Real Madrid/Mexico
1988: Hugo Sanchez, Real Madrid/Mexico
1989: Paul Caligiuri, Hansa Rostock/United States
1990: Hugo Sanchez, Real Madrid/Mexico
1991: Hugo Perez, United States
1992: Claudio Suarez, UNAM/Mexico
1993: Luis Roberto Alves “Zague,” Necaxa/Mexico
1994: Tab Ramos, Real Betis/United States
1995: Alexi Lalas, Padova/United States
1996: Marco Etcheverry, DC United/Bolivia
1997: Carlos Hermosillo, Cruz Azul/Mexico
1998: Luis Hernandez, Necaxa/Mexico
1999: Dwight Yorke, Manchester United/Trinidad & Tobago
2000: Rafael Marquez, AS Monaco/Mexico
2001: Paolo Wanchope, Manchester City/Costa Rica
2002: Brad Friedel, Blackburn Rovers/United States
2003: Landon Donovan, San Jose Earthquakes/United States
2004: Roberto Brown, FC Sheriff (Moldova)/Panama
2005: Kasey Keller, Borussia Moenchengladbach/United States
2006: Oswaldo Sanchez, Guadalajara/Mexico
2007: Pavel Pardo, Stuttgart/Mexico
2008: Guillermo Barros Schelotto, Columbus Crew/Argentina
2009: Landon Donovan, Los Angeles Galaxy/United States
2010: Landon Donovan, Los Angeles Galaxy/United States
2011: Javier "Chicharito" Hernandez, Manchester United/Mexico
2012: Oribe Peralta, Santos Laguna/Mexico
2013: no award given
2014: no award given
2015: Javier "Chicharito" Hernandez, Bayer 04 Leverkusen/Mexico