MLS Announces Plans To Compete With Mexican Cartels

Major League Soccer Commissioner Don Garber has announced the league's intention to expand into drug smuggling.

"We've looked at a number of worthwhile revenue streams, and a lot of these conversations are ongoing," said Garber.  "But what continues to stand out is the illegal importation of drugs and other controlled substances."

The plan has met resistance in some quarters, but Garber, who this week signed a five year extension to remain as MLS commissioner, remains optimistic. 

"We're not going to make any assumptions on what the courts will say," said Garber, 56.  "We've spoken to our legal department, and they are very, very excited about this.  People thought single entity would be struck down by the courts, but we prevailed.  We have high hopes that our illicit drug trade business will also pass court scrutiny."

"No one believed that we could build a world class soccer league.  We have proven them wrong.  Now we have a bold new opportunity to expand into cocaine, crack, marijuana and methamphetamine.  People say we have no experience in large scale drug smuggling, but to that I can only say, 'that you know of.'" 

"We're not simply going to smuggle drugs in the equipment bags of players as they go abroad, although that remains an option.  It is, after all, perfect cover.  No one can look at a player like Kyle Beckerman and imagine for one moment that he would have anything to do with drugs."

Garber does not dismiss the obstacles.  "We want to compete with Mexico, both in soccer and drugs.  We're anticipating a learning curve, and some violent, destructive and bloody massacres, but we think our demographics are second to none.  We want to reach out to young people, immigrants, millennials, criminals, and hipsters.  We think Major League Soccer can become one of the world's top ten drug cartels by 2020."

"I mean, why do you think we're expanding to Miami?  Because it's a great sports town?  F***ing spare me!"

Garber points to the single entity model as an example of how the league can be successful in the drug trade.  "It's a partnership.  I can say that every single Major League Soccer owner approves of illegal drugs and drug sales, and that's what makes our sport unique in the American landscape.  Furthermore, as soccer owners, I can't give them the 'Batter up!' speech from The Untouchables.  I'll be standing there with a baseball bat looking silly.  So when I beat someone to death, I have to do it with a shoe or something.  Which is a lot tougher than it sounds, even with metal cleats."

Prior to joining MLS, Garber spent 16 years as an executive with the National Football League. Garber says he looks forward to returning to the criminal underworld.

(Speaking of Breaking Bad, congratulations to Don Garber on his clean bill of health!)