[Prediction] Henry sets goalscoring record to lead NYRB to Cup

FOXBORO, MA (November 29, 2014) - Led by Thierry Henry's 14 goals and 10 assists, the New York Red Bulls defeated the New England Revolution 34-0, overcoming a 2-1 loss in the first leg to advance to the MLS Cup championship game.  The Red Bulls won the series 35-2, with 34 away goals. 

"We didn't give up," said coach Mike Petke after the game.  "That's what I love about this team.  They work hard, and they believe in each other.  And Henry...well, what can you say.  He's a legend."

Henry's teammates were quick to give credit to the legendary French international, but Henry himself gave credit to the Gillette Stadium FieldTurf for his record-breaking performance.

"This stuff is AWESOME!" Henry gushed after the match.  "Why didn't someone tell me how wonderful FieldTurf was? I've never felt better in my life!  Can we keep playing?"

When asked about why he had avoided playing on artificial surfaces in MLS games until now, Henry was apologetic.  "Oh, MAN, I am SO SORRY.  I had no idea - NO IDEA - how great FieldTurf was.  If only I had known.  I'm only going to play on turf from now on.  Are we going to Seattle for the final?  If not, I don't want to go.  Enough of this grass [stuff]."

Henry also offered hope to Red Bulls fans.  "[Heck], yeah!" he replied when asked if he was reconsidering retirement.  "I'm going to play for another thirty years.  But we gotta get this stuff in Red Bull Arena.  Hell, I'm going to get it installed in my house.  My lawn, the floormats of my car, everywhere.  I may not even wear shoes in games next year.  Just the feeling of FieldTurf against my feet is thrill enough for me. 

Henry's comments come on the heels of an ongoing controversy on whether the Women's World Cup should be played on artificial surfaces. 

"Are you KIDDING me?  Everybody should play on this.  How did we survive before FieldTurf?  It's like playing on the wings of baby angels."

Henry and the Red Bulls set numerous league and world records for scoring, including most goals by an individual player in a single game, most goals by a team in a single game, most playoff goals in a single game, most playoff assists in a single game, most playoff goals in a career, most playoff assists in a career, most shots, most shots on goal, most bicycle kick goals, most free kick goals, most olimpicos, and most goals scored from the opponent's penalty area.

The game was marred by controversy, as the Revolution believed Henry should have received a second yellow for excessive goal celebration after his twentieth goal.  Replays showed that Henry did not lift his jersey completely over his head.  When asked about Henry's performance, New England coach Jay Heaps did a very creditable impersonation of Tommy Lasorda's rant about Dave Kingman, although club officials fear the reference was lost on younger readers and non-baseball fans.

The Red Bulls are seeking their first MLS Cup title.  They will play at either Los Angeles or Seattle on Sunday, December 7.