Piers Plowman

An open letter to Don Garber, Bruce Arena, Dave Sarachan, Cable News Network, and Piers Morgan: Re: Mouth, Money, and the Joining Whereof

Gentlemen:

As you are aware, this morning Mr. Morgan posted the following:

Unlike most of you, I've watched LA Galaxy live in MLS. It's glorified pub football. Even I'd get a game.

As you can see from the comments, reactions to this assertion have been mixed.

Since we are unable to generally agree to the truth of Mr. Morgan's estimation of his skills compared to that of the LA Galaxy, it would therefore be best to see if said skills will pay the bills.

I propose that Mr. Morgan be given a starting spot in a Galaxy Reserves game sometime in the very near future, in the position of his choice.  Before the game, he will read the above Tweet to the staff and players of both the Galaxy Reserves and that game's opponents.

A set amount will be given to Mr. Morgan's charity of choice for his time.  Furthermore, Mr. Morgan's charity of choice will be given the following, based on Mr. Morgan's achievements during the game:

For every minute Mr. Morgan remains on the field of play after 15:00, Mr. Morgan's charity of choice will be given $5,000.

For every minute Mr. Morgan remains on the field of play after 30:00, Mr. Morgan's charity will be given $10,000.

For every minute Mr. Morgan remains on the field of play after 45:00, Mr. Morgan's charity will be given $25,000.

(On the field of play, not in touch.  No sneaky taking an hour on a throw-in, Mr. Morgan.)

For every second Mr. Morgan maintains possession of the ball, Mr. Morgan's charity will be given $5,000.

For every completed pass made or received by Mr. Morgan, Mr. Morgan's charity will be given $10,000.

For every successful tackle or ball won from an opponent, Mr. Morgan's charity will be given $50,000.

If Mr. Morgan chooses to play goalkeeper, Mr. Morgan's charity of choice will be given $100,000 for every save Mr. Morgan makes.

If Mr. Morgan scores a goal, makes an assist, or saves a penalty shot, Mr. Morgan's charity of choice will be given $1,000,000, and Mr. Morgan will be given territorial rights over the second MLS New York City franchise.

Based on these proposed amounts, Mr. Morgan will come up with an estimate of how much money he expects to win for the charity of his choice during the match.  The estimate amount will be written down and sealed in an envelope, to be read publicly after the game. For every dollar amount above that estimate that Mr. Morgan has won, another dollar will be further granted to Mr. Morgan's charity of choice.  For every dollar that Mr. Morgan falls short, he will make up the amount of that shortfall out of his own pocket, and make a donation of like amount to M.L.S. W.O.R.K.S.

Let's hope all parties accept the challenge in the spirit intended.