Sepp Blatter to Take Over CONCACAF

The planet Earth finally having rid itself of one of it's larger pieces of crap over the weekend seems like a good jumping off point for talking about the corner that FIFA Grand Poobah Sepp Blatter - in fairness a much smaller and less foul piece of crap than the guy who began his travel straight to hell on Saturday - currently occupies. For reference, here's a shot of Seppy attending the North Korea - Brazil match at Ellis Park during South Africa 2010.

This bunch, looking like they're about to toss up their lovely VVIP room lunch as North Korea's five-in-the-back defense holds Brazil to a frighteningly tight 2-1 win is as good an example of what ails FIFA as anything I could possibly pound out on this cheap but durable keyboard.

The guy on the left is Richard Texiera, the Brazilian criminal who told an interviewer last summer that, as the President of World Cup 2014, he intended to screw hell out of the officials and reporters he doesn't like and then get elected to replace Blatter, an opinion which was reiterated by his ex-father-in-law, Joao Havelange.

(Just in passing though, serious homage is due to Texiera, a guy who got to the top of Brazilian and world football by marrying Havelange's daughter and then was able to keep old Joao's friendship, support and loyalty even after he divorced the old girl and married a hot young doxie for fun and frolic. Now THAT, my friends, is a neat trick.)

Next to him, of course, is the guy who has been playing Robin to Blatter's Batman for over a decade, former Nancy Boy Michael Platini, who also figures to replace Seppy in 2015 and who keeps telling everybody that the Qatar World Cup will be held in the Winter, despite what the Sultan or Emir or Shiekh or King or whatever the hell they have over there keeps insisting.

(Between the two of them is, of course, an actual Qatari, Mohammad bin Hammam, who will resign in disgrace less than a year later, but not before the guy on his left, Nicolas Leoz of Paraguay, tells a caller he believes represents England that the price of his vote is a knighthood or, alternatively, naming the FA Cup after him. And an invite to Bill and Cathy's wedding would be nice, too.)

The North Korea connection aside - I love a good segue, don't you? - that photo is particularly poignant in light of last weekend's FIFA Executive Committee meeting, which you'll recall was billed in advance as the day when FIFA would finally release the final report of the Zug, Switzerland prosecutor in the ISL bribery case.

Sepp, who has been fighting the release of the transcript with every pricey white shoe attorney and every last devalued Euro that FIFA can muster, is very sad about this of course. Sad, sad, sad.

Because his new dedication to "transparency in FIFA" requires him to want the entire world to read this scintillating report. It's all part of his new campaign to tear down the edifice of corruption which he's spent the last 30 years carefully building.

Irony, thy name is Sepp.

Or liar. Take your pick.

The thing is, of course, that we already know what the court documents say: that Leoz, Texiera and Havelange took millions of dollars in bribes in return for helping ISL get FIFA contracts.

It's old news, but any crooked politician - talk about redundant terms - will tell you that you have to give up on one or two things in order to protect what's most important, and Sepp is more than happy to street knife Leoz, Texiera and five more like them if it distracts world media scrutiny from looking too closely at the fact that the Qatar World Cup was as bought and paid for as a City of Chicago paving contract.

So with the supposed legal challenge - and don't you just love Blatter pretending that he doesn't have ANY IDEA who filed an objection to the release; duh, maybe it was the tooth fairy - preventing the "Blatter Strikes a Blow for Transparency" headline which his media gerbils had all teed up and ready to go, this weekend's FIFA Executive Committee meeting - held, as it usually is, in conjunction with a major event, in this case the Club World Cup that they dearly wish would become a huge cash cow despite the fact that nobody seems to give a fart - the whole event seemed destined to be a boring footnote of interest only to obsessive bloggers who follow this silly drivel.

Modesty forbids.

Fortunately, things are going so badly for Sepp right now that, aside from jetting off to petty, two-mule dictatorships to accept gaudy, meaningless awards and medals aside, pretty much everything that hits the media just adds to his problems.

First, Football Supporters Europe, which consists of 38 UEFA nation fan groups, refused to send a couple of representatives to join Blatter's new "Independent Governance Committee" because, basically, they said it was all a crock of put-up FIFA crap.

In this they were of course following the lead of Transparency International, who also announced that they were severing all ties with FIFA and Blatter because, they feel, the committee is so beholden to Blatter that it has no credibility whatsoever.

But this was all just prelude to the announcement that Richard Texiera was being given a one month suspension from FIFA affairs until, well, a few things get cleared up.

You see, Brazil has finally gotten sick of this degenerate thief and thinks that having him run the World Cup may, after all, be a really bad idea.

Brazil's FA tried to head off the problem by appointing Ronaldo - the fat, ugly one, not the one who everyone hates because he's better than they are and can have, quite literally, any female on Earth, including your wife, your mother and Olivia Wilde - to be part of a proposed three headed triumvirate in charge of World Cup 2014.

This plan hit a snag when a) everyone realized that Ronaldo - the fat, ugly one, not...well, you know - was widely regarded as the next best thing to functionally retarded and b) the third guy, renowned Brazilian striker Romario, who is now a member of the national legislature and a widely respected government official, refused to join a committee consisting of 1) a retard and 2) a criminal.

What Texeira can do to get his seat back is unclear. Time was that being a loyal supporter of Sepp Blatter would have been enough but ask Jack Warner and Mohammad bin Hammam how that's working these days.

As a result of all of this comedy, the meeting itself was something of an afterthought, which should have meant that the obligatory post-meeting media conference would be even more of a snoozer than normal.

Which it was until someone asked him about the fact that CONCACAF has yet to replace his oldest and dearest pal, Jack Warner ;

This is for us a situation that is not comfortable and not acceptable. Of course, there are different problems affecting this organisation but we had hoped that the acting president would intervene to organise something and bring the confederation back to international scene. However, this has not yet been done, and the main reason for that is that there is a court case ongoing in the Bahamas. If situation has not moved forward in coming months, FIFA will have no choice but to intervene.

What?

I mean, seriously, WHAT???

CONCACAF is a functioning entity operating within the strictures of its constitution. The President, Jack Warner, resigned his office. The first Vice President has been banned by FIFA until next July. The second Vice President, as the constitution prescribes, has taken the office.

The organization continues to operate. It's business as usual. Games are played, bills are paid and phone calls are answered by competent professionals.

And so the problem is what, exactly?

What is it that Blatter thinks CONCACAF should "organize"?

And how is it that CONCACAF will be brought "back to the international scene"? I don't know about you, but I wasn't aware that we had left.

As for Blatter "intervening" to fix things up, he can't even fix his own damned problems; what the hell does he think he's going to do around here?

Well, I have a guess, actually, and it's neither pretty nor surprising.

Jack Warner's ExCo seat is still vacant and CONCACAF's constitution does not say anything about filling the vacancy. (It's the seat that the statutes stipulate that the CFU gets to fill, although the choice has to be ratified by the members.)

As a result, absent a CONCACAF Ordinary Congress called to amend the rules, the seat will remain vacant until the next regularly scheduled Regular Congress in 2013.

Problem is, Seppy needs supporters on the ExCo right now and he knows that if an election is held Horace Burrell will certainly get the nod. It's the CFU's office to fill.

And Burrell is a longtime Blatter loyalist. He's the one who, a few years ago, sent his extremely hot young girlfriend into a FIFA General Congress pretending to be the delegate from Haiti so that she could cast a vote to support Seppy and Jack.

The fact that Miss Jalal did not bear much of a resemblance to the elderly male French speaking Haitian delegate didn't bother anyone.

Since that time, Captain Burrell has enjoyed appointments t all sorts of FIFA committees as a reward for his steadfast loyalty.

And Sepp Blatter wants him on the ExCo now. 2013 may be too late.