Ever want to know what it feels like to be one of the best soccer players in the world?
Well here's your chance.
If you are reading this on a display screen currently located anywhere East of the Mississippi River, get up off of that chair, go outside and jog around briskly for ten or fifteen minutes.
Now you know exactly what it will feel like to be a world class footballer warming up before practice in Doha, Qatar in June of 2022.
Well, OK, not exactly; historically, the average June temp in Qatar is 105 or so and, for example, New York City and Philadelphia are only expected to hit 100 this afternoon.
So if you can, mentally jack it up a few degrees. If not, maybe you can get into your car and turn on the heater.
Of course, we're only talking warmups here; if you want to get the full player experience, I'm afraid you're going to have to do ten sets of 40 yard wind sprints, maybe get a few freinds and do a two mile Indian run, then form a circle and play ten minutes of keepaway.
Now you know exactly what the best soccer players on Earth will feel like as the coach gathers them around and starts explaining what they'll be working on today. For a couple of hours.
Yes, I know, the Qataris have paid some computer graphics firm a whole bunch of money to gin them up some snappy looking art that depicts a giant iPad blocking out the sun and, I guess, raining coolness onto the pitch below.
If you want more details than this, Qatar wants you to know that you're just a hater. Or an American. Or, even worse, English. So shut up.
But let's say for the sake of argument that they can indeed figure out how to lower the temperature on the game fields enough to keep everyone from dropping over dead.
As Chuck Blazer famously said: "I don't know how you air condition an entire country".
If there's anyone, anywhere who's dying to hand over a few grand on tickets and hotels so they can spend a couple weeks in a place that's hotter than DC this afternoon, I'd like to know who they are.
FIFA's Ethics Committee is gathering in Zurich as we speak and, beginning tomorrow morning, they'll be deciding whether or not Mohammad Bin Hammam was the source of the million dolars which was handed out to CFU delegates back in May.
My guess is they'll have to say that he was; "It was the Easter Bunny" isn't going to fly with the world media, and if that makes BinMo unhappy, well, tough disdashas.
But what they really ought to be looking at is why, aside from massive bribery, any rational human being on the FIFA Executive Committee would have voted to hold the World Cup in the kind of furnace we're experiencing here today.
Bottom line, Mother Nature is handing us a wonderful gift today: the opportunity to not just visualize or try to conceive of what Summer in Qatar is like but to actually experience it for ourselves.
See you at the park; bring water.