I realize Thou Shalt Not Overreact to Group Games When Qualification Has Been Clinched. And hey, the US was probably going to have to beat both Brazil and Germany to win this World Cup anyway.
But this is becoming fairly typical new millennium United States - beat up a couple of helpless stooges, then completely run out of ideas against a more established foe. Barely a week ago, it was possible for a rational person to write this:
Well, apparently Pia forgot to tell the team they were now Barcelona, because what we saw were strictly long, hopeful shots, set pieces, and Route One. Carli Lloyd was the worst offender, but she wasn't exactly the Lone Ranger.
Barcelona, Wimbledon - hey, it's all Europe.
And now Brazil looms. For all Julie Foudy talking about how Brazil's back line is beatable, even the most casual observer must dread Marta unleashed against the makeshift defense the United States has.
It isn't just that Lori Chalupny's concussion was an even bigger disaster than we realized. Like the United States men, the women have not been able to replace talent, and seem completely bereft strategically.
Against Brazil, the United States will absolutely, without question, have to....
....sorry, but, no one else noticed Abby Wambach grabbing Sara Larsson's breast in the 24th minute?
Seriously. Check for yourself. 41:37. Abby scored in the second half, but made it to second base in the first half. I'm frankly not used to seeing this kind of pornography on the Internet. I'd post a screenshot, but I'm incompetent at that sort of thing, and I thought the whole world would have seen it by now.
I mean, isn't she intimidating enough? She doesn't need to force her defenders to question their orientations while she's at it.
Man, she was grabbing more rack than Torquemada. Was Abby by any chance cheering for Mexico at the Gold Cup Final?
This isn't unprecedented in the men's game, by any means - Giovani Dos Santos had a penalty shot just this week in Copa America, after all.
And while I certainly do NOT recommend a Google Internet Search along the lines of "Valderrama testicles grabbed," this is one of the more famous pictures you will find:
But still - I could barely concentrate on the rest of the game, which I'm led to understand the United States lost. Is Cinemax going to bid for the Canada 2015 tournament, and show it late Friday nights?
And I'm the ONLY one who noticed? I'm the only fan in the WORLD with his mind in the gutter? Or is this completely normal, and I've just been missing all the boob-grabbing that's been going on.
Well, in any case, the United States now has to play Brazil instead of Australia. I'll be watching in high-def, in super-slo mo.