You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! STUPID!

It's because of you that all must be destroyed.

Abbott actually had to say this. The Associated Press does not clarify, but either an adult human being asked Abbott about this, or he felt the need to address the subject without prompting.

Either way, it is clearly time for human life to be extinguished. Summon the meteors.

This should be a wonderful day for American soccer fans. Those plagiarizing Epsilons at Bleacher Report will temporarily stop pumping out idiocy about how a relic of British amateurism should be allowed to punish fans, and maybe read a chapter or two from the Gospel of the ********ing Obvious.

But because we have this idea that there's any sort of crossover between promotion-relegation cultists and people you'd want to share a stadium with, Abbott and Garber can't bring themselves to say "never."


Shall I pick on someone at random? Sure, why not. This guy posted the same article on at least four different blogs. His solution - asking the President of Kraft Soccer to step in.

Sunil doesn't have much power over the Puerto Rico Islanders, know what, never mind.

I'll head over to Major League Soccer Talk. After all, "Major League Soccer" is in the name. Surely they've given enough of a cursory analysis of where soccer is in this country to make a coherent I'm kidding, of course.

Did I stop reading there? Hell, no! I write a comedy column.

Yeah, I remember professional golf. It was on every weekend ever since television was invented. What's even the premise here, that Tiger Woods wasn't going to play golf unless he was paid?

Yeah, the way MLS is structured, they'll never get any REAL money invested. Yes, I know Abramovich is higher on the list than Anschutz and Allen. Maybe Mukesh Ambani should come over and start Major League Cricket. After all, think of the potential for American television exposure!

Why are people so in love with the idea that budding club rivalries should be eviscerated, that fans should see their favorite players sold out from under them, that their teams should be put under the risk of financial ruin - just to share the thrill that West Brom supporters have every May?

The playoff system isn't just theoretically better for the United States - it's a proven success. There's maybe, maybe, maybe something to the idea that the only True and Fair Way to settle a champion is for each team to play home and home, the same number of times, and to total up the results.

But that argument - and don't get me wrong, it's a weak one, contradicted not only by decades of financial success across American sports, but by several highly popular football leagues worldwide - that argument doesn't even depend on promotion and relegation. The United States and Canada aren't quite filled to bursting with teams capable of contending for MLS Cup, nor with owners willing to finance teams that could.

But the point is, once we get beyond 20 teams - we can still have playoffs and conferences. They're great, they really are. We can argue about the percentage of teams which make the playoffs, and that's a fantastic argument. Hockey and basketball have already proven that too high a percentage of teams making the playoffs dilutes the regular season. That's wonderful, but it doesn't de-legitimize playoffs.

Yes, I weep for the Galaxy's regular season accomplishment not being recognized as the True and Rightful Championship. I'll weep just as hard for this year's regular season champ, whoever it turns out to be. But at least they get a little recognition for it. I've already forgotten who had the best regular season record in the four major sports in the US this year, and two of those sports' seasons literally just ended.

And another thing. Why are we breathing fire and spitting poison about FIFA and how corrupt and disgusting Sepp Blatter us - right up until he says something out the side of his mouth about the ideal number of teams in a league, or the importance of playing in winter, whereupon the same torch-waving mob can't parrot those talking points fast enough?

So we have a situation where we American soccer fans - so worldly, so cosmopolitan, so independent of mainstream thinking - can't be told something as obvious as "No, we're not going to turn a $45 million franchise into a $45,000 franchise, nor vice versa, nor will we ever," without fear of hurting our prejudices.

Well, it makes me so mad...I have to go to my happy place.


Much better.

Oh. Shall I tell you about my happy place?

I'm watching my favorite soccer team. In a 20-30,000 seat stadium where they are the main tenant.

And even though they're not the best team in the world, they're pretty good. They've got a bunch of rising stars from all over the Americas, but most of them are from right here in the good old U.S. of A.

Some of those guys will go to Europe and make big money someday. Others will play for years and years and years, making indelible contributions to the sport they love, inspiring a new generation to follow in their footsteps.

But right now, I get to watch them. I got a bunch of friends and acquaintances, and my family's along, and they've learned to love it as much as I do.

And they're going to be around next year. I won't have to watch some fly-by-night second division because we had a bad coach or some bad players for a year. The whole league's going to be around, because they're only overspending for a few players scattered across the league - not nine or ten overpaid imports stifling the American game.

Fine - maybe your happy place was watching the Fusion, or the original Earthquakes. And maybe you blame single entity for moving or shuttering your team, rather than capitalism. Your teams weren't going to survive relegation anyway.

Besides, this is my happy place.


Hey - you know what? That's a lot like what we have now!

Except the Beckhams have been deported. Nothing to do with promotion or relegation, either, but I thought I'd mention it.