I Want To Be Sedated

Psychiatrists, bless their little $250 an hour hearts, assure us that it is emotionally beneficial to, just occasionally, therapeutically "vent" your frustrations and let go of the anger and negativity you've been holding in and psychically cleanse your soul.

Now personally I've never exactly been what you'd call a Sensitive New Age Guy and in any case ten minutes of a Deepak Chopra seminar would have me faking my own death.

Nevertheless, there are some things that have seriously frosted my pumpkins this week and I'm going to toss some of them onto the page here and see if that keeps me from crawling into a bottle of single malt and pulling the cork in after me.

First off, straight from the deepest bowels of hell via BigSoccer stupidface Morbo the Annihilator, comes the ritual desecration of FC Barcelona:

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6vAy3d3k84"]YouTube - FC Barcelona - Justin Bieber s'entrena amb el Barça[/ame]

I love how the "defender" at the end (please tell me that's not Bojan debasing himself) stops dead in his tracks so that Bieber can get a little space to get a shot off.

What's surprising is that since the little twerp is Canadian, why they didn't get him an invite to BMO. Somehow or other that would seem very fitting.

Next, maybe it's just me but I'm starting to get irritated at how every single guy in Europe who knows how to lace up a "boot" just assumes that he can waltz over to the US and play in MLS any damned time he feels like it.

The most recent one is the famous Billy Clarke of Blackpool.

Never heard of him? And you call yourself a fan.

After all, the guy spent some serious time in the Ipswitch Town youth system, after which he was sent out on loan to many of the most storied clubs in the world, like Colchester United, Falkirk, Darlington and Brentford, after which Ipswich manager Roy Keane cut him loose.

This despite the fact that he actually played for Irelands' U-21 side a few times. In 2007.

Luckily for him he was able to cadge a deal with Blackpool in 2009 where he has scored exactly one goal in two seasons. In fairness, it should be noted that part of the problem seems to be that he can't stay upright very long; after spending most of the 2009-10 season either benched or injured he tore up a knee in the first two minutes of Blackpools' first preseason scrimmage last summer and hasn't played since.

Now, however, he feels he's ready to go but needs some games to round out his injury rehab and get himself into shape for next season and with that in mind SkySports tells us that he's "EYEING A MOVE TO MLS".

Yeah. And I'm "eyeing" a Ferrari Testerossa and an oceanfront home in the South of France..

Mind you there's no evidence whatsoever that any MLS side has the slightest interest providing this guy with a rehab assignment but that seems to be a minor detail. He says he's going to "talk it over with the manager and the physio" - apparently their opinion is the only thing keeping him from lacing it up against the Fire or the Sounders next weekend - since spending the summer chasing easy American girls wearing Daisy Dukes and bikinis on top sounds good to him.

Besides, after a summer swanning around the US, he says: "the injury would be fully behind me and I won't be worrying about it."

Sure, because if you're going to half-ass it around a pitch because you're concerned about whether your knee will collapse, what better place to do it than in "the MLS" where, by definition, everybody is half-assing it anyway, right Billy?

A few weeks ago I made a less than complementary comment about Bleacher Report. Well, OK, so I called it "the worst website in the history of, like, forever".

I got a few emails telling me that I was being way too harsh, that while their standards may not be particularly high that it's nevertheless a place where, as one person put it, "new writers can hone their craft".

Properly chastised at my lack of generosity of spirit, I decided that I should reassess my opinion in the future.

Unfortunately, that generosity only lasted until last week when three or four guys sent me links to a really delightfully fun BR article about a young lady who won a Calypso prize in Trinidad by singing a satirical song about Jack Warner.

Granted some of it was abominably written; those were the paragraphs the "author" attempted to rewrite. Fortunately for his readers he eventually gave up on that - too much work, apparently - and simply cut and pasted whole sentences, verbatim. from some guy on BS. Modesty forbids.

After an extremely polite, professional and erudite missive from the original author - "stinking, lowlife, bloodsucking thief who should die screaming" is pretty erudite, don't you think? - they finally did take the piece down, which I suppose is to their credit.

Nonetheless, to those of you who thought I was a bit harsh towards BR: sorry guys. Check back with me when I start in on SB Nation or TribalFootball.

Then there is THIS INTERVIEW WITH STEVE CHERUNDOLO, a player I've never had anything against, particularly, although the best that can be said for him is that from time to time he's been our best option, although that's more a testament to the shallowness of our national talent pool than it is a paean to his massive skills.

The article starts out badly, quoting him as saying that he does want to "play a year or two in the MLS" after, of course, his abilities erode to the point where he can no longer get a decent contract in Europe. Thanks for that.

But then, after acknowledging that there's "a development there, more money invested" in "the MLS" he says that he wished "the MLS" would "release players to European clubs, give them more playing time and let them play at a level that challenges" them "every game in the season and not just the playoffs"

Excuse me?

First of all Steve, I was not aware that there were European clubs clamoring to have scads of young American born MLS players take the pitch for them from November though early February when MLS camps open. Who are these players? What clubs are you referring to? Hell, Landon Freaking Donovan, almost certainly the greatest American born field player in history, couldn't get regular time from those arrogant d-bags you call coaches in your league. Darlington Nagbe is going to do better?

So clearly we're not talking 1Bundesliga here, or the Eredivisie or the Premiership. If those clubs wanted our players MLS Executive Vice President Bftsplk Rammalammadingdong would have peddled their tender tails a long time ago.

And since we know damned good and well that we're NOT talking about those leagues, then you must be suggesting that "the MLS" is standing in the way of our youngsters going over and playing in the Norwegian second division or the Coca Cola Championship on the assumption that they play at a much higher level tan "the MLS".

And I'm here to say that, with all due respect, you're nuts.

Accrording to Cherundolo, MLS is not "challenging enough" for our young players except "during the playoffs"; apparently he has "the MLS" confused with the NBA.

Then, just before we're convinced that Steve is simply babbling incoherently, he gets to his real problem with "the MLS", which I will quote verbatim:

"There is no relegation (in America) and having that as a club in Europe, every game is important. I would like to see more younger players move to Europe."

Welcome to BigSoccer, Steve. You'll feel right at home.

Finally, I'd like to say a word to those of you in the Pacific Northwest who just don't get why it is that the rest of the league is not all that enthralled with your wonderfulness, and any words that I could possibly pound out here would pale in comparison with this example of obnoxiousness which comes courtesy of, shockingly, one of the better fan sites in your area, SounderAtHeart:\ and I will only quote a small portion because I have recently eaten:

"It begins tonight with another whistle. With a roar. With a boom.

This is the most anticipated season in MLS history except for the first.

It is a league looking to its North and its West. It is a league seeing many greens and blues. We are but one of those teams.

We Sounders are the eldest of our Cascadia brothers.

We will lead with trophies."

Pardon me. I have to go barf up lunch.