Dumb and Stupid

MLS Commissioner Cohiba Don Garber was interviewed on ESPN2 yesterday by one of the ever-expanding number of empty-headed bimbos they are putting in more and more on-air roles for reasons which, like much else that they do up there in Bristol, escape understanding.

I'm going to mostly take a pass on commenting about Dons' physical appearance except to say that grown men who are the Commissioners of serious major professional sports don't come on TV with three day growths of beard and sans a tie. Whatever look the man is going for, what he's in fact getting is one that screams "weekend on a sailboat" and "head of a second rate league" and I wish to God he'd grow up and stop trying to blend in with the players, virtually all of whom are notorious slobs.

When David Stern, Roger Goodell and/or Bud Selig start showing up on TV looking like bums, Don, then you can too. Until then, how about playing the part?


OK, so maybe I didn't do so well skipping that part. Sue me.

Anyway, so at one point this siliconed-up doxie notes that Steve Nash (a player in a league that has a commissioner who dresses like an adult) is a part owner of the Vancouver Whitecaps and asks, in all seriousness apparently:

"Will Steve be playing for the team?"

And - credit where it's due - Don managed to act like this was not, in fact, one of the most ignorant things he's been asked since - well, since the last time some fan asked him when MLS is going to go to relegation and promotion.

The correct answer was "No, you stupid freakin cow, this isn't a Thursday night beer league, it's professional soccer and you don't just wander in at age 37 from some other sport. It's not bowling."

Instead, Garbs made the appropriate noises about how Nash is a "great athlete" and a bunch of other inconsequential mewlings without ever really answering the question as was entirely appropriate considering that the question itself was just this side of utterly absurd.

To tell the truth the whole exchange barely even registered. We're all used to this kind of stupidity and although one might hope for better from an on-air personality at Every Stinking Pitch Network, it's really more of a wish than an expectation. Par for the course.

But then, roughly 24 hours later, we get the word that diarrhea-mouthed serial narcissist Chad Ochocinco "WILL BE JOINING SPORTING KC" next week.

Of course, this is being presented in different ways.

Sporting (Jeez what a crappy name) officials Twittered: "Excited to have @ochocinco coming in to tryout/train with the team next week." which was bad enough.

Immediately afterwards, Ochocinco himself Twittered: "I'll be playing on the MLS team @SportingKC on March 22nd, thank everyone involved especially coach Vermes."

Now you tell me: what do you suppose the ratio of people who follow Sprting KC's Twitter to the number of people who follow Chad Ochocincos' is? 100,000 to 1? More? You can almost pick a number. Judging by SKCs' attendance numbers, it could easily be a million.

So as the story filters down from the ESPNs' and the Old Spice-soaked jock-sniffing sports editors who serve as the gatekeepers of our national sports information flow, how do you suppose this story is going to be played?

a) this 33 year old bigmouthed jackass is going to trot around the field keeping in shape while pretending to be a soccer player as an MLS team desperate for ANY kind of publicity - even the ludicrous, intellectually insulting kind - keeps a straight face


b) Superathelete Chad Ochocinco, whose best footballing days are way behind him, has signed on for a second career with an MLS team, thus validating everything you suspected about how unserious this whole soccer thing is.

So apparently the vapid ESPN trollop who asked Donny the G about Nash wasn't that far off. Any halfway decent athlete can play in MLS.

I used to have a great deal of respect for SKC Head Coach Peter Vermes, but it's been wearing thin recently.

There used to be an old joke about wearing a fake cast at the ski lodge so that you could still get laid because no one would know what a crummy skier you really are. Similarly, for years everybody wanted Vermes to coach their team although he'd never done it before but everyone was sure he was a genius. He wisely kept turning them down and it only seemed to enhance his reputation as a genius.

But he made the mistake of believing his own hype: after conducting an extensive search for a new head coach he did a Dick Cheney and hired himself.

He should have stayed in the ski lodge.

Thanks a lot Peter.

I'm sure others will have more germane comments on last nights' Seattle - LA tilt on that broad piece of shiny green plastic crap laughingly referred to as a soccer pitch. I don't have that much to say really except that if Tottenham really wants Beckham the Gals ought to see what they can get for him.

A bucket of warm spit would seem about right.

Be that as i may, something else I noticed last night was a kind of deja-vu-ish kind of a deal with regard to the shoelace/strap thingie Goldenballs was wearing to keep his hair in place:

Now where, I wondered, have I seen that particular application?

Oh yes:

(Yeah, it's a watermarked Getty image from 1996. It's the only one I could find. Deal with it)

In fact, adidas briefly tried making them up back then and peddling them. Eurosport carried them for a while.

Alas, nobody bought them, Bake went out and got a grownup haircut and adidas' attempt to get out in front of a global trend died aborning.

I wonder if they have some old stock lying around someplace.