Will Beckham give LA the royal shaft?

You're an MLS coach. There's this player that's been in and out of the lineup for a few years now, and he's in the last year of your contract. Even though every rational observer has called him a big disappointment, he's been making a lot of noise about how he's going to go to Europe and start in the Premiership.

He got injured at the end of last year, and he's missed a lot of training camp already. So when he finally shows up, the first thing he asks you is if he can miss some practice during the season so he can attend a wedding.

What do you say? You tell him to go meet Danny Szetela at Johnny's Tavern? Or do you simply beat him to death with his own ball bag?

I'm afraid the answer is "neither." You're probably gonna fold like a deck chair:

I know what you're thinking.

Theoretically doable.

But even if there was a direct conflict, do you think Tim Leiweke and Phil Anschutz are going to flip off the future King of England? AEG wants to continue to do business in the United Kingdom. If the world's richest inbreds want the Beckhams to decorate their parasite parade, then the Beckhams they shall have.

But wouldn't it have been nice if Bruce Arena was able to tell Prince William where to get off?

I mean, seriously. We're talking about an outdated figurehead kept alive by paparazzi and tabloid noise, only existing to sell faux prestige to gullible foreigners. And so's the monarchy.

Well? Is that going to include San Jose, Washington, Chicago, Seattle, Toronto, Philadelphia and Harrison? Emma Collins says so. You guys gonna take that?

You know what, how about this.

I can't make it to this one - long drive, conflicts with work. David Beckham, on the other hand, has no problem with travelling, and theoretically this is his job. It would help out a little club that could use the attention (no, not the Galaxy, jokers), and it would show that Beckham's alleged professionalism actually exists.

So tell you what - if Beckham shows up to play the Xolos, then he can go his pal's wedding. Sound fair?