I swear to God, the last couple of days on BigSoccer have reminded me of nothing quite so much as The Denise Show
"OK, now this is the part of the show where we call up Qatar and hang up on him"
"I'm going to kill you"
"Well that was fun. Next we'll talk to a waitress who served FIFA and Qatar milkshakes at Friendlies"
How about we all have a few beers, get in our cars and go sit out in front of FIFAs' driveway at 4 AM with Eamon cranked up to 10 on the CD player:
F*** what I said it dont mean shit now
F*** the presents might as well throw em out
F*** all those kisses they didn't mean jack
F*** you, you hoe, I dont want you back
Suddenly, everybody is an expert on the climate and culture of Qatar. Reminds me of the health care "reform" discussion; thousands of guys who wouldn't know an xray from an enema read a couple lines in a blog someplace and went around spouting a bunch of crap as if they were the freakin Surgeon General.
The only thing I'm reasonably sure of is that those among you who are batting from the other side of the plate might want to consider either butching up your "partner" with some biker ink or leaving him at home.
Otherwise, I'm sure they'll work out arrangements for all of the drunkenness and whore mongering even the most depraved amongst you - and knowing some of you guys, that covers some frightening territory - could possibly desire.
And even if they don't, whining and bitching today because in June of 2022 you may find yourself in the stands at the greatest athletic competition in the world without the ability to purchase a $20 hum job or get falling down drunk only makes you sound like an idiot.
Oh, and here's a scoop: by that time most of you will have children who you'll want to take along. You're not going to be up all night singing "10 German Bombers over London" while licking cheap bourbon off the stomach of a 14 year old Ukrainian whore anyway.
Bottom line, people: we lost.
Spare me the "oh it was so unfair and corrupt and Qatar paid off everybody and the fix was in and it was OUR World Cup and a bunch of Camel humping Oil Princes stole it from us boo freakin hoo" crap.
Because I'm here to say that the Arab Middle East contains a whole lot of football fans and they're pretty happy today and I'm happy for them. I'd rather the thing was being held over here, sure, but we had one a while back. It's really not our turn.
Now I grant you that our bid wasn't as ludicrous as South Koreas' - every time I read about them I honestly kept looking for the punch line.
And I know that a lot of people - including my most distinguished colleague Daniel "I Don't Care if the USSF NEVER Credentials Me Again" Loney - are complaining that Qatar is a footballing backwater, but frankly, so was South Korea. So was the US. We both got over it.
Furthermore, be very careful what you wish for with Qatar:
A couple years ago, they embarked on a serious campaign to improve their national team. They're spending bazillions.
Of course they're not doing it by teaching their countrymen how to play. No country with 1.7 million people can ever come up with that kind of talent. It would be like asking Gary Indiana to qualify for Euro 2012.
No, they're doing it the innovative, modern way: their ASPIRE ACADEMY is nothing but a front for recruiting prospective Qataris.
The stated goal is of course to train players and then peddle them in Europe, the new form of modern slavery that FIFA condemns but allows to continue unfettered.
But the underlying purpose is to identify future superstars, and when they locate one they offer his parents jobs and housing in paradise - or what you and I would call "slums" - and, coincidentally, Qatari citizenship.
So by the time these kids are filtering into the national team - some are already playing in the age groups - no one can question their passports since their families will have been living there for years.
In other words, Qatar intends to become a world soccer power and they have the money to do it. So what if all the kids were born in Uganda and Togo? It's really not that much different from the way we used to recruit guys like Thomas Dooley:
"Hi Tom, this is Bob Gansler, Head Coach for the US National team"
"Bob Gansler. The US Mens Soccer Team"
"Doesn't matter. Look Tom, we just discovered - are you sitting down - that YOU'RE AN AMERICAN!"
Get the hell out!
"No, really. And we can arrange for a US passport for you so that you can play for us in the World Cup"
Hey honey - some guy says I can play for the US National Team
He's probably just selling something - hang up and come back to bed
Heck, by the time we see Qatars' newest citizens in a World Cup they'll probably even know the language, which is more than we can say about David Regis.
Then again, nobody ever really wanted to talk to him anyway.
Look, I'm as disappointed as the next guy about this whole deal.
But at the same time, let's be serious:
1) You and I have no actual proof that a single dollar changed hands in connection with either the Russia or the Qatari bids.
2) Even if it did, don't the people in those countries deserve a World Cup too? Climate and lack of gin aside, the citizens of the Middle East deserve a WC every bit as much as the citizens of Dallas Texas.
3) If the FIFA Executive Committee had been recruited by Diogenes himself and consisted of 22 ascetic priests, and the decision was made solely on the basis of merit, I can't honestly say that I'm certain we wouldn't have lost anyway.
And neither can you.
Still if you're still upset, gather up a few friends and go beat crap out of Qatar outside a bar someplace.
It won't change anything but maybe it'll make you feel better.